You...

Make me smile
Make me dream
Make me laugh

Cause me to feel pathetic
Cause me to feel younger
Cause me to hope
Cause me to be dissappointed

Make me sad
Make me happy
Make me frustrated

Influence me far too much. I sound like a silly little 12 year old girl with a stupid crush and do not care because that is how I honestly feel. I tell myself a million times over that I need to forget you... I'm too pathetic and cannot. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

I Just Do Not Get It

There are many things I flat out do not understand or simply can't wrap my mind around. Some things are broad ideas, applicable to life, while others are specific happenings or concepts in the present time.

(As a side note, I think I need to find a new form of writing to express my ideas because these lists are getting old.)

1. Organic Chemistry. I have no clue how anyone understands all of the combinations and naming and special rules. It is a good thing that there are smart people in my class. The fact that I will never in life need organic chemistry also helps.
2. Why people automatically think the wrong decisions make you cool. Who decided that putting stuff into your body that could kill you is cool? Where did the idea of 'cool' come from in general?

3. The importance of sports vs. the arts in the eyes of school systems. Why is that schools fund sports more, care about sports more and give them priority over the arts? Sports are hardly beneficial to the students or even the community for that matter. Music, art and theatre do so much more.

4. The inexplicable quality of feelings. When you feel a certain way, often times, you can't explain your reasons for feeling that way. You find yourself falling for someone and there is nothing about them that would ever have hinted that you would before. You cannot pin-point the quality that drew you in, or what kept you admiring them. Maybe this irks me so much because I am a person who likes to have a reason for just about everything and know how things work. For me, simply because is not an answer. Maybe the reason you find yourself hooked on someone is the curriousity of the origin on your feelings in the first place. Once you discover that reason, what if the feeling just disappears?

Rainy Afternoon Thoughts

What is it exactly about rain that makes me think? When I am sitting in my bedroom either on the bed or at my desk and I hear the rain against my window, I begin to think. I do not think the usual thoughts of what I am doing next, or what needs to be done, but thoughts that are deep. Sometimes I reminisce, other times I think about my future. 'How I feel' will also cross my mind quite often when the wind blows. Although the storms are pretty noisy themselves, I will usually add music to the mix. My play-list for the rain consists of Coldplay, Michael Buble, John Mayer and Sara Barreillis to name a few. It is so nice to relax and just think during these times of mental content in the midst of atmospherically chaos. It can really open your eyes to ideas you had never thought of before. Intense negative feelings can be alleviated while the good ones are just intensified. The drive and fire in you can be stoked and can truly be beneficial. Painful thoughts and bad memories can be smothered by the relaxation brought on by nature's very own storm therapy. Bring on the wind, rain, thunder and lightning. I want my mind to keep going.

Dear _____, You Have Attacked My Unconscious and I Love It

When I sleep for a long period of time, especially if I have recently suffered a lack of sleep, I dream A LOT. I love dreams, I really do, but I hate it when you dream about something you want and when you wake up you are so disappointed that it never really happened. You dream about having a good experience and it makes you feel wonderful, when you awake you still feel a small glimmer of that feeling but within a few moments it is gone. It keeps happening for me. It is not that I am unhappy with my reality, but there is just something I wish would happen and so it reoccurs often in my unconscious. It makes me enjoy dreaming in a way. John Mayer has a song that I really do love. It is called "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" Here are the Lyrics:

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

Then waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?

No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Theses lyrics only slightly apply to how I feel. My heart isn't broken, and I have not lost a lover. But waking up is really the hardest part when what you dream about it what you long for. I often do wake up wondering if that really happened, and hoping that things really are the way they where in that dream.

 Maybe I just have to take it into my own hands to make my dreams come true...

Stupidity

This goes out to all of the people who make terrible choices regarding smoking, alcohol and inappropriate behavior.
You are making a terrible decision that is going to hurt your future. You do not need to drink and smoke; you can have fun without it. More fun even. It is a waste of your time money and most importantly life. You are going to hurt yourself in the end. Badly. You have already hurt those who love you and will only continue to do so if you persist. I do not understand why you think it is so cool or so much better, but it is not. You have created a terrible reputation and image for yourself. You have lost people that where once friends and once loved you. Learn to live a good life; you will enjoy it much more.

With power comes....hatred.

Apparently when one earns a position of respect and pretigue, one gains m
any people who are supportive and happy for you. You will also gain about one person who hates you for each of those supportive people... I guess thats the price of taking on an important role in an orginization. Especially one that comes with previously formed assumptions... Its just frustrating

Blessed

So many things have happened recently that have made me feel so entirely blessed.
I was inducted into National Honors Society
I made the All Ohio State Youth Fair Band
I was selected to attend Buckeye Girls State
My grades are good
I am surrounded by so many amazing people
The weather is gorgeous
I get to go to Washington D.C. over memorial day weekend
I am almost a senior.
I can also now say that I am a PHSC Field Commander.

The list of blessings both big and small go on and on. God is so good. He's alowed me to have all of this when I deserve none of it. Thank you so much, I will use all that you have given me for you.

My God is Amazing and so incredibly generous.

Message #2... pt. 2

" You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me care..."

I can't stand that you cross my mind this often. I realize I just need to get over it, because I have no chance. You don't even know how I feel and how I hold on to all the little things you say. I go through every one of our memories quite often. Those cute little looks you give me, the ones when I usually smile back, they kill me. You have no clue. i wish I could express this to you but where would that get me? I admire you and look up to you, and love being with you even though it is painful. I figured it was obvious, but I guess not...

Messages

Sometimes I just feel like I need to say something to certain people, but it would either be insulting or make things awkward. I guess I can still wrtie the message without it actually getting to them.. so her it goes.

#1 - You all need to grow up, its not cool to make bad choices (real or fake). Drama is not worth starting or even talking about. I don't understand it anymore. I don't want to be a hypocrite so I'll admit I was like that at one point, sure. But I've realized how useless and obnoxious it is.

#2 - You have no clue how you make me feel. You make me want to listen to sad songs all day. Some of the cute little looks you give me kill me and you don't even know it. I just wish things would change, and work. It sucks that being around you hurts, but at the same time I love it.

That's all for tonight...