A look at my written past

It is 10:00PM on May 25th, 2011. Tomorrow is the last day I will go through my 9 period day as a high school student. It is completely surreal. I cannot even wrap my head around the idea or acknowledge that it is happening. I'm taking some time to reflect on some things. I plan on spending my day tomorrow, going through all of the memories each location and thing in the school holds.

I found some journals today that I had written in my early high school years. I thought I'd post some excerpts.

"We had our first football game, it was the most amazing night of my life. I just love all the band kids. I can tell that we're going to become so close." -Boy was I right.

"Our first away game was AMAZING. I actually enjoyed the game. The bus ride was hilarious and the BEAT was sooo funny. We won in double overtime. After the win, it began to rain. The lights made it look like snow. The football players kneeled in a group as we played amazing grace. It was one of those perfect moments in life. In that moment, I realized how much I love this band. " - I still remember this moment clearly to this day. I stopped playing and let the sound of the rest of the band I have grown to love and the sight of the purple around me, 'snow' rain falling under the stadium lights and football team huddled in celebration. It really was a small perfect moment in time and I realized what I love. I didn't know it then, but that's when my slow and subtle journey towards my decision to follow music began.

"States: Amazing, scary, nerve racking. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is....ONE!" Pandemonium, it was amazing!. I will forever remember this moment." - Yes, I do, vividly.

I wrote those statements a little over 4 years ago. And those feelings still remain the same, perhaps stronger. Tonight at the dedication of our Rose Parade plaque, I was reminded of how much I love the family and how even after we leave, we are still a part of that family. I was moved close to tears, I know I will loose it and bawl like a baby, probably on senior night, but to leave the family I have had and loved for 4 years as well as my true family is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do

Boiling Frustration

I have four days left. I have completely checked out and that attitude has creeped into every aspect of my life. I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I am so ready to be done that I do not even want to be around the people I have been around for years. I have developed this inexplicable irritability that I cannot seem to get rid of. I feel overwhelmed, I am so done, and it is hot outside, all of this is driving me crazy and I just want to SCREAM. At no one in particular, but I just want to let it all out. I just want to live one month with nothing to worry about at all.

Morning

I hate mornings. Some people think of them as the new beginning, sunrises, getting the day started, etc. I think of mornings as a rude awakening, exhaustion, awful reminders, and monotonous routines.

Here is how my usual mornings go: Wake up, look at my phone and read messages I missed from the previous night (this is usually because I fall asleep mid conversation), remember things I should have done yesterday, add those to my list of things to do today, go through my schedule for the day, get ready, yawn around 40 times, go on my way.

It's the same boring routine every day, and there isn't much I can change. I instantly have a very negative outlook on things in the morning, even things I had a positive view on the night before. I don't know where it comes from, maybe being tired or half awake and lazy, but it's there; Plenty of negativity to go around.

Summer mornings are a little different, because I get to lay around and do nothing most mornings and just let the negativity and hatred for mornings simmer away and disappear completely. Thank goodness summer is coming soon.

Simple Happiness

Different things make different people happy. When those things conflict, happiness is so hard to reach and it is one of the most frustrating, disappointing and even depressing things. When that point of simple happiness is reached it is so relieving. It isn't that you are the happiest you've ever been, but that fact that you are able to be happy after a long period of unhappiness is what feels so wonderful. Just to be able to have a simply happy good time feels like the most wonderful thing in the world. One must be careful to not  let happiness blind you from underlying problems and subtle issues, but also not be so aware and defensive so to not enjoy the happiness.