I'm doing Happy

I do not really have anything to say, not in particular. I just feel the need to write. There is unrest in my mind, I am not really sure what causes it, but it is there. I guess I could explore the two basic areas of my life that this may come from…

Academic: 
 
Sophomore year is kicking my butt. There is so much more work, everything is much more difficult, things are too ridiculously busy and the pressure makes any stress of last year seem like nothing. I find my motivation levels are dwindling with my energy levels and it worries me. I love what I am learning to do, I still get the goosebumps when I hear a great teaching success story, the idea of changing the lives of children makes me tear up, and truly understanding the power of music moves me deeply. It just worries me that those feelings can barely motivate me to get through and feel less defeated. 

Social:

This year differs quite a bit from last year in this area. My group of friends is completely different, both in who, but also the friendships themselves. I am not extremely close with many people, I have a lot of people I consider my friends, but as we all get closer, I seem to start to find things about them annoying. I can hardly stand being with them so much. I am okay with just having many friends that are not very deep relationships. I do have the few that I really enjoy, all of the time. My longest friendship still remains even though we are apart. I have one new friend that I care about quite a bit, the amount I cared scared me at first, but for once I am okay with it, which makes me feel like that means something. I do not have fear for once. Now, I do not want to make a move too soon, I do not want to relive any of my previous situation from the other side. I am happy, happy with this relationship as is, even is I would prefer more, I am happier than I have been in 18 months. It is wonderful to have someone to laugh with, talk about music and teaching with, someone to help, and who helps me, someone to complain with and someone who makes me smile, and smile withs me. 

I say I am happy, and I guess when I think of certain things, I really am happy. I just need to learn to get that happiness to overflow into the rest of my life. I need to remind myself to be happy, and find the happiness in everything I do, and let that happiness boost me through all of the struggles of this year. If I simply remind myself of how truly blessed I am, the fact that I am pursuing my dreams and someday will have those teaching success stories that give me goosebumps, and experience the power of music in the lives of others at first hand. It is truly amazing and It is time to be happy.

I Wish I Were Stupid-er

"Oh woah, WOAH! Another misleading blog title with a hidden meaning?! Miss Sarah, what a shock!" - Said my sarcasm.

I know a few people, and I am sure everyone does, that are total risk takers. They do not worry about possible consequences, they are not constantly asking what if, and they do not worry about what people think about them. To many, myself included, that sounds kind of stupid, and a good way to get into trouble, or harmed, or killed. Well those are extreme situations, but this idea of being spontaneous and not worrying about things MAYBE going wrong, is something I admire in those who live this way.

I have a friend who recently drove to another state to meet up with a bunch of people he had never met but had the shared interest of photography, and spent a week camping and shooting with these new people. Just a bunch of random strangers doing what they love. I can look at that situation and think of things that could have gone wrong, but they seemed to have a wonderful time and produce great art. I am so envious of that opportunity for adventure, and that he took it, seemingly without hesitation.

I am a worrier, and I do not like that about myself. I worry about what worrying will do to me. I wish I could be, and wan to try to be a bit more adventurous and get a little "stupid-er" as I would think that seems. I do not want to become some ridiculous young adult living by "YOLO", but someone who is strong and confident enough that worries do not stand in the way of something that could be amazing, a whole lot of fun, and life changing.

Stuck in between

I feel as though I am stuck in an "in between" sort of place in many areas of my life, I am no longer one thing, but not to the next place yet. It is sort of a frustrating place to be, because I am confused as to what I should be doing.

Living at school during the year and home during the summer has put me in a place where I feel like I am old enough that I know friends my age living on their own, but I do not feel ready to not be living at home. This makes finding the right level of independence frustrating, I do not know what things I should still come to my family for, and what things I should handle on my own. This also makes it hard to tell if I am failing or succeeding at being an independent individual. Are there things I should be doing on my own, without help?

Summer itself is an in-between time and because I am living at home for just 3 short months of summer, I find a conflict of what I should be doing. I feel like summer is a time to be spontaneous and have some fun. Being away from home, summer is a time to see people I do not get to throughout the year. I get to live at home and spend time with my family, but go out and do things with my friends. I have found myself in a conflict of how do I catch up with everyone, and spend time with all of the people I love fairly? I want to be spontaneous and just make random plans with people and do fun things, but then I am never home, and never see my family. Unfortunately my family is a group of busy people so we are hardly all at home at once, so not going out tends to result in being home alone. It seems an unsolvable problem, someone is going to get left out. It almost feels like I am stretching myself too thin in trying to please everyone. I want to keep commitments and plans I make with someone, but still do what I need to at home, and spend time with people I want to, and who want to spend time with me, and still trying to figure out how to treat different people who I have different relationships, which is another area I feel an in between state in.

I apologize for the ramble that turned into.

5 Reasons I Love Storms

In the past week 3 storms have hit my local area, more intense than we have had in a long time. There was lightning, pouring rain, up to 70mph winds, hail in some areas, and a whole lot of damage.

The ceiling of Cowan Hall at Otterbein University

The front lawn of Towers at Otterbein University

My Back porch after only the first gust of wind

So the damage is not what I enjoy about storms, and the millions of people without power is not either, but I really do love storms. And here is why:

1. They add a little bit of excitement to your day. We obviously do not put storms into our schedule, and they are not routine at all. There are times that we can tell by the radar that a storm will arrive sometime this evening, but we never know for sure what they are going to do. Some storms we never even expect to come, one of the 3 was just that. This first storm arrived so suddenly after a bright sunny and VERY hot day. After a dull afternoon, watching the storm come in, the power going out, and the display of lightning and wind acted as sort of an entertainment.

2. Relaxation. Okay, this is sort of the opposite of number one, but it applies to the feeling before and after a big storm, or smaller, less eventful storms. I love the sound and feel of rain. I could sit (INSIDE) and watch rain, listen to music, and sometimes write for hours. I take the best naps when it rains, and I just feel in a very thoughtful and peaceful mood. I also love to watch lightning and hear thunder. I think it is the perfect background noise for relaxing. My favorite is the quiet rolling thunder as a storm is coming or going. The wavering lightning flashes in the distance are beautiful and calming. In the hot summer days of thick moist air, right before night time you can see it in the distance and it is wonderful.

3. Power Outages. (This one is sort of a love-hate relationship). When the power is out my family usually gathers in one area so to share the small bit of light we do have, and it usually turns into a good time. Storms seem to give my sisters and I energy, probably through the excitement of it. We act years younger than we are, and it is a good time. My sisters (and father usually) share my enjoyment of watching storms so we tend to do that together as well. I can remember times standing in to garage watching clouds come in, both here and on vacation, as well as my sisters and I running out into the rain just because. 

4. Evidence of God. What storms can do (both good and bad) is INCREDIBLE. No other force of nature or man can eliminate electricity for millions of people, create such a spectacle as thunder and lightning, and create the havoc a storm can. I am not a big outdoors kind of girl, so while some may find the beauty of nature a way to appreciate what God has done, I tend to get distracted by my hatred for bugs, humidity and dirt, and that gets in my way. Because I can watch storms from the comfort of my own home, I can marvel at what amazing things that God can create, and the power shown in those storms. The beauty in the "show" created by God and what God can also take away in the damage. AMAZING

Memory

I know I have sort of written on the subject of memory, but more connected to the sense of smell. However, I want to write again, because memories are such a fascinating idea and seem to play a big part in my thinking and life.

Being home after living at school for a year is almost stranger than living alone for the first time. Sure, I know I came home on occasion throughout the school year, but now that I have been home for a few weeks, I have noticed memories popping up more and more. I have found that nearly every place I am has a significant memory linked to it. I can remember conversations I had at certain restaurants, special moments by a certain tree, events at people's houses, there are even moments of sadness or pain I can remember where I feel uncomfortable being somewhere. The fact that my life is completely different, and yet I am back to living in places of memories but not living life the way I was when those memories took place creates an odd feeling for me. Even now sitting in my bed late at night writing on the laptop, because I am writing a blog and not having conversations on Skype as I remember doing so many times just about a year ago seems strange to me.

Now, I have a very good memory, I remember so many details, so memories are very vivid to me. The thing about these memories, because they are so clear in my mind, is that I miss all of them. I miss the silly unimportant things said, the deep conversations, the parties, and even the bad ones. I think this is a sign that I lived and still live a blessed life. If I even miss bad memories because they were part of a good life as a whole, that is proof that God has blessed me with a great life, and continues to do so every day.

Through being home and having so many memories brought up I have begun to do some exploring of those memories and life throughout the past two years or so. It has led me to come to conclusions about things that were nothing but confusion then. I have been able to really come to a place of understanding and peace about so many different things that I had experienced. It has been the most freeing thing for me. I was able to come through to this state of mind through writing. I sat down one day and just decided to relive and document my current reactions to my life for the past two years or so. It was magnificent how it flowed effortlessly. Things that had confused me and left me lost for words before were plain and simple to me. I had been praying for peace as things had been resting heavy on my heart and God gave that to me through a talent and activity I enjoy, and with how I feel right now as a result I do not know if I have ever been so thankful. God Is So Good.

How Bad Days Work

I cannot write that I have figured out the secret of bad days for everyone, bad days are different all of the time, but I may have figured out something that is a core problem that causes my bad days.

Satan is sneaky, conniving and terrible. But that is not a revelation at all, but this explains how Satan turns something into a bad day. We have all had days where we are upset about something and everything else seems to go terribly and we become upset about so much more than just this one thing. See, when we are happy, we rarely find ourselves weak, and Satan usually cannot have the affect he does on us when we are weak. When something is bothering us, or we are upset over something, we become emotionally weak. This is the moment that Satan is able to weasel his way into our thoughts and start to push us down about the first thing, and move on to other areas of life that have nothing to do with the first problem. Suddenly we find ourselves thinking negatively about everything and in this terrible mood that ruins the rest of our day.

This seems more likely to happen when we dwell on something, makes sense, Satan has more time to sneak in. So a possible solution, which seems obvious yet we rarely ever go by this: Go to God FIRST. Do not wait and let yourself worry or become more upset, this only allows for Satan to get you down. God is comfort and strength and going to Him in prayer, worship or His word should be the first step, not a resort taken later when things get worse.

I am Hungry

I just ate lunch, so I am not hungry in the sense that I want food right now, do not worry, I would never write something that boring.

I am hungry in the sense that I desire something more, something new. I wrote in an earlier post about my "dream list" and one of the things on that list was to do something spontaneous, go on an adventure or travel. That is exactly what I want to do. I have spent the first two weeks of my summer just working and when I am not, I am hanging around the house doing nothing. I enjoy having money that I make and being able to relax, but I am getting bored. I want to meet new people, do something new, make memories, and have a story to tell. I know it sounds like an easily solved problem, "just plan something" right? I do not know what I would plan, there are so many things I could do.

So, those of you reading, I want you to get involved. What is an adventure I could embark on this summer? 

Afflicted by a Greedy Culture.

We all know and say that our culture is one of greed, and we all know and say that we have been made somewhat greedy people about it. We also do not really do anything about it, but that is also not my point. My point is how this greedy culture affects us and the unexpected places it shows up.

It seems that for most of us, we always want more. It is not just more stuff, or more money. (That would be far to obvious an observation). We want better jobs, we want to make all the auditions, more relationships, and really we just want more and more "success". This success, however, is a very worldly and superficial success.
 Now I can go a step further with this and say that when we lose, sacrifice, or miss something we once had, we continue to miss it and feel empty in that area until it is replaced with something better. This does not just have to be the job you had, or a relationship but simply the way you used to live, the groups you used to be involved in. For me, I do not stop missing the marching tigers and being a part of that band because I frankly have not found a better replacement. I am in a marching band, it is not that much worse than the marching tigers but it is not an experience worthy of replacing that one. As for relationships, I will not stop missing my best friend unless I were to find a better relationship, and that one is not possible.
That could be the reason people are so much more missed than anything else, is because they are so unique that finding a better replacement is nearly impossible. This idea might be why girls in high school go from guy to guy to guy, they cannot leave that place in their life empty and they are always looking for  the next best thing. Leaving that unique human spot in one's life is harder than groups, places, or things.

I have heard that one should not complain about a problem without also suggesting a solution, and while I am not complaining this post seems half-done without a proposal of some sort. Now, I am not saying that all of this is because of a greedy culture, as humans we crave relationships, and involvement etc. And we become attached to things, but it is the need to solve problems by replacing the old with "better" things. Perhaps the way things need to be looked at is, it is time for something completely different. That part of your life has come and gone, and now it is time for something different. You do not have to one-up your past. Life is not one uphill climb on some graph of all areas of your life. For instance, I had a great marching band in high school, and now it is time to be in a more laid back group so I can focus on other things. I will still miss the marching tigers, but I will no longer have this need to replace them. As for relationships, If someone was that good of a friend to you, it is an insult to try and replace them with something better, that does not mean you cannot make new really great friends, even new best friends, but thinking about it as a replacement is wrong. People who jump from relationship to relationship just thinking that they cannot be single for more than a week and must move on to the next best thing are just wasting their time. All of these things are nice to have, friends, groups, jobs, etc. but if a hole cannot be filled, with Jesus in your life there is never an empty part of your life. Even if it seems that way, it should not matter to the point where you are doing anything you can just to have a significant other, job, etc. But allowing it to come when God decides that it is the proper time.

So to sum up, there is sort of a first aid kit to avoid a lifestyle afflicted by greedy culture: God to keep the lifestyle "immune system strong", Faith in God and his timing and patience to sterilize and keep away the "need to replace" germs away.

Reassured

I am NOT a morning person. Anyone who knows me understands that I do not function well in the early hours, I do not say much at all, and I am usually not the friendliest person either. This also worsens as I get less and less sleep. If I go to work tired, I hate it so much more. If I go to class tired I can hardly pay attention. Although, there are several times where I do fine on little-to-no sleep, and even feel rejuvenated. Really it makes sense.

1. I can actually do some great rehearsing when I am tired, it wakes me up and I love it no matter how tired and awake I am.
2. I can show up to church and as soon as the congregation starts praising I am right awake again (assuming it is one of my two "home" churches and not something on the more traditional side)
3. I can also show up to church and work in childcare, and somehow being with kids wakes me up and I just have this energy.
4. Same goes for when I was working in my placements in different classrooms for my education degree. I could be exhausted from exams and rehearsals, but I was easily able to have the energy to handle and work with kids.

This is such a great reassurance, because if those are the things that give me energy, and the things I truly have passion for, I KNOW I am headed in the right direction. Everyone always wonders, how will I know I am doing what God wants me to be doing? I think the fact that I find rejuvenation in all of these things could be God reassuring me that I am doing what I should. It is such a good feeling.