Every time my brain isn’t preoccupied with something else, it comes back. That one thing, we all have it. The moment we consider to be the worst of our lives. Every time, whether I’m lying in bed, driving home from school or just relaxing on a day off, my mind wanders back there to that situation. I beat my self up for what I did wrong. I realize I needed to grow a backbone. I should’ve stood up for myself. I question my decision. I thought it was the best choice, maybe I should’ve done it myself rather than leave it to others to do for me. But I did believe it was best. But the question comes back, was it really the right thing to do?
Most of the reason this situation creeps back into my mind is due to the fact that it still poses problems in the present. I miss the way things were, I miss who people where. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like thanks to this situation and the cause of the situation itself I’m losing the people I love most. I want to help, but I don’t know how to go about it. I was always the one helped. I don’t know what to do. They were always the ones to help me, now it’s my turn and I don’t know what to do. They won’t listen any way. My thoughts probably sound like a mess. They are, you’re not mistaken.
My feelings lately of being left behind in the changes are probably due to this whole situation too. The cause has taken my friends from me. It happens though; it’s just how things go I guess. My disapproval of the cause drove them off too. But honestly, how can I accept it? I just can’t. I can’t watch my friends do this anymore. But there we go again. Why I feel so alone…
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Pathetic
Lately, I've honestly just felt pathetic. I have no life outside of school. Sure I go to Jazz bad, Orchestra, and youth group. Outside of that, I do nothing. Too many times I find myself sitting at home wondering what to do.
Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.
Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.
Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.
Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.
Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.
Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.
Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.
Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Value.
Sometimes I think the value of a 'job well done' is forgotten. This happens for those individuals or groups even who simply are used to doing well. They take winning for granted. I think it takes a small failure followed by success to remind us how much doing well is truly worth.
When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem
There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.
Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.
Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.
Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.
When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem
There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.
Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.
Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.
Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
For the sake of writing.
I just love it when you have a really great day. A day that’s not just good because nothing bad happened. A day where everything just turns out great. Everything from little joys to exciting accomplishments all occurring in a single 24 hours.
The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.
The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.
It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.
The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.
The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.
It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Another Game of Tag
Do you remember when we still had recess? I miss those days of slides, four square jungle gyms and the infamous game of tag. The rules are simple, run around until the child deemed ‘it’ catches and tag you. The role of chasing rather than being chased bouncing around to the different players.
(I’m such a metaphor nerd)
Sometimes it really does feel like you play games of tag in life, with simple things such as that time you called someone, left a message, they called you back, left you a message and this cycle continues until you finally reach each other. Tag also occurs with more important things in life, such as relationships.
I guess (referring to more childhood related metaphors here) it’s the good old circle up for story time again.
There’s this guy (oh look, a cliché) and he liked me, a lot. It got a little annoying mostly because I didn’t really have feelings for him. Lucky for him, he was quite the sweetheart and he grew on me. I began to fall for his cute little compliments, and it happened, I actually liked him back. This lasted a little while, but that can’t be the end of the story, I’m writing about it obviously. He was it, he chased me, and I ran, he caught me, I was it, and I chased him back. No Catch. This really is a repeat of my childhood. I was very slow, therefore never winning tag and never catching anyone back
.
I'm gonna throw down some lyrics here that just simply work ...
"And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I was so yours...for the taking. " -from 18th floor balcony by Blue October
(I’m such a metaphor nerd)
Sometimes it really does feel like you play games of tag in life, with simple things such as that time you called someone, left a message, they called you back, left you a message and this cycle continues until you finally reach each other. Tag also occurs with more important things in life, such as relationships.
I guess (referring to more childhood related metaphors here) it’s the good old circle up for story time again.
There’s this guy (oh look, a cliché) and he liked me, a lot. It got a little annoying mostly because I didn’t really have feelings for him. Lucky for him, he was quite the sweetheart and he grew on me. I began to fall for his cute little compliments, and it happened, I actually liked him back. This lasted a little while, but that can’t be the end of the story, I’m writing about it obviously. He was it, he chased me, and I ran, he caught me, I was it, and I chased him back. No Catch. This really is a repeat of my childhood. I was very slow, therefore never winning tag and never catching anyone back
.
I'm gonna throw down some lyrics here that just simply work ...
"And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I was so yours...for the taking. " -from 18th floor balcony by Blue October
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Boys Will Be Boys
I chuckle to myself as I start writing right now. John Mayer is singing to me from my lap top, "Say what you need to say..." thank you John Mayer, I'm about to write a blog so I will indeed say what I need to say. Hah.
Oh my, these boys confuse me. I've had plenty of free time this past week due to my minimal exams. I love being able to relax but when given too much free time my mind wanders. Sometimes it wanders too far and I just get more and more confused. Lately the familiar topic of thought: boys. Oh so cliché...
Boy Number 1: He confuses me and makes me laugh all at once, I never expected to like him but here I am putting him in a blog. This must mean something. Maybe it’s the fact that he was there when I needed him most and I felt comfortable talking to him when I though my world was collapsing around me.
Boy Number 2: Oh dear, he's sweet and that’s nice until he gets too sweet. The constant compliments get old after a while and I can't help but think, let’s have a real and meaningful conversation. Please? Maybe its maturity that he needs, can't really expect that of him though can I? Age would explain that.
Boy Number 3: How did I end up thinking about you? I had no clue, but you always make me smile and always listen. We share common annoyances and hopes. I really appreciate it, but where did this feeling come from? I find it humorous for some reason.
Boy Number 4: You've been around forever, I've always liked you on and off, since the day we met. It’s on and off, but the only reason it’s ever been a fleeting feeling is because you always find someone else, or I do. I always come back to you though. What is it? Charm. That's my guess. Keep making me smile.
In the genius words of Mr. John Mayer, I took all my so called problems and put them into quotations...I said what at this time I felt the need to say.
Oh my, these boys confuse me. I've had plenty of free time this past week due to my minimal exams. I love being able to relax but when given too much free time my mind wanders. Sometimes it wanders too far and I just get more and more confused. Lately the familiar topic of thought: boys. Oh so cliché...
Boy Number 1: He confuses me and makes me laugh all at once, I never expected to like him but here I am putting him in a blog. This must mean something. Maybe it’s the fact that he was there when I needed him most and I felt comfortable talking to him when I though my world was collapsing around me.
Boy Number 2: Oh dear, he's sweet and that’s nice until he gets too sweet. The constant compliments get old after a while and I can't help but think, let’s have a real and meaningful conversation. Please? Maybe its maturity that he needs, can't really expect that of him though can I? Age would explain that.
Boy Number 3: How did I end up thinking about you? I had no clue, but you always make me smile and always listen. We share common annoyances and hopes. I really appreciate it, but where did this feeling come from? I find it humorous for some reason.
Boy Number 4: You've been around forever, I've always liked you on and off, since the day we met. It’s on and off, but the only reason it’s ever been a fleeting feeling is because you always find someone else, or I do. I always come back to you though. What is it? Charm. That's my guess. Keep making me smile.
In the genius words of Mr. John Mayer, I took all my so called problems and put them into quotations...I said what at this time I felt the need to say.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Tired.
Lately I've experienced tired in every essence of the word. Physically exhausted, Brain dead, emotionally drained and simply bored.
Practices, performances, rehearsals, church, school, homework, personal life, packing, planning, flying, here there, waking up early, marching six miles. All of this, while most of it is fun, has deprived me of much sleep and worn my body out. Doing all of this travel and marching even drove me to eat a burger. (I haven't eaten one in 11 years due to a texture issue) I was that exhausted and hungry. I had no clue how confusing and tiring time changes were. California was beautiful but I much prefer staying up until midnight here rather than there.
Thanks to the wonderful world of Chorale Christmas I've had piles and piles of make-up work to handle. On top of this I've experienced tests, ACT, and now exams. Oh the joys of thinking. When you add the lack of sleep things get a little confusion up there in my brain.
So much has happened recently, I've experience changes that I never expected. Trials have struck me and drained me of all emotional stability. My emotions are being kicked around from the happiest I've ever been to one of the worst moments of my life. It’s surprising how many non physical things can tire you.
This last subsection to my experience with being tired confuses me greatly. I'm so excited about something, but I simply wake up one morning with the realization of, I'm tired of this. I'm Bored. It’s sort of sad that I got tired of this mostly because it was such a great part of my life. What I do now, I don't really know? Its just odd that it was sudden and this feeling may be upsetting to those involved, but I can't help how I feel can I?
This whole entry may seem like I am just going to fall over and die right?? WRONG. I have gotten much rest! An easy week back at school plus a snow day and easy weeks ahead have refreshed me. I've gotten organized and on task. I am ready to take on the world and move past the tiring holiday season.
Bring It On 2010.
Practices, performances, rehearsals, church, school, homework, personal life, packing, planning, flying, here there, waking up early, marching six miles. All of this, while most of it is fun, has deprived me of much sleep and worn my body out. Doing all of this travel and marching even drove me to eat a burger. (I haven't eaten one in 11 years due to a texture issue) I was that exhausted and hungry. I had no clue how confusing and tiring time changes were. California was beautiful but I much prefer staying up until midnight here rather than there.
Thanks to the wonderful world of Chorale Christmas I've had piles and piles of make-up work to handle. On top of this I've experienced tests, ACT, and now exams. Oh the joys of thinking. When you add the lack of sleep things get a little confusion up there in my brain.
So much has happened recently, I've experience changes that I never expected. Trials have struck me and drained me of all emotional stability. My emotions are being kicked around from the happiest I've ever been to one of the worst moments of my life. It’s surprising how many non physical things can tire you.
This last subsection to my experience with being tired confuses me greatly. I'm so excited about something, but I simply wake up one morning with the realization of, I'm tired of this. I'm Bored. It’s sort of sad that I got tired of this mostly because it was such a great part of my life. What I do now, I don't really know? Its just odd that it was sudden and this feeling may be upsetting to those involved, but I can't help how I feel can I?
This whole entry may seem like I am just going to fall over and die right?? WRONG. I have gotten much rest! An easy week back at school plus a snow day and easy weeks ahead have refreshed me. I've gotten organized and on task. I am ready to take on the world and move past the tiring holiday season.
Bring It On 2010.
Stand Up
I've finally learned a normal human skill that I lacked my whole life. Standing up for myself. I had to stand up for myself because not standing up for myself got me into the situation in the first place. I've found that its hard, you lose friends and it changes you. But Its worth it. Try it sometime.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
What is it?
How is it, that you can know that you're afraid of something but not be able to pin-point why? You can be genuinly fearful to the point of panic and tears and have no clue why you're scared or what you're scared of specifically. perhaps this is a sign that its a completley irrational fear. How do you get rid of it though? A fear is part of who you are. Its a part of your character. Who Knows.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Why?
I haven't written much lately thanks to a few reasons.
1. I have been busy. Welcome to the month of December and the Christmas season.
2. I haven't been able to pull my thoughts into one uniform topic to write out. I've actually begun numerous entries and just deleted them when my thoughts veered off in several different directions.
So, I've decided to list what's on my mind in question format.
If you’re reading this, I successfully completed an entry and did not give up and delete it.
1. Why do some people find the need to criticize and question anything you say or do? I know some people who always have to find something wrong with what you do and find so much joy in pointing out your flaws. These same people love to question your actions, whether it’s the relevance, point or intelligence in it.
2. Why does one bad thing bring more negative events to create one bad day? It’s not necessarily that I have many bad days, but when I have a bad day it consists of one terrible thing to another. I would much prefer my negativity to spread out.
3. Why are some people so bent on having their way that they will do anything no matter who it hurts to get it? I know people who will undermine authority, ruin plans and hurt other people just to get something simple that they want. It's conniving and upsetting.
4. Why does technology plain suck? For lack of better words, technology is crap. It always seems to fail at the worst times. Phones freaking out mid conversation. Files not working right before a presentation. It’s such an annoyance.
5. Why do people assume they get to do whatever they please because of age? I don't understand why people think they can just do whatever they want regardless of skill or passion simply because they are older. It’s frustrating to those who work so hard to get to where they are now just to see someone get what they want without working for it.
1. I have been busy. Welcome to the month of December and the Christmas season.
2. I haven't been able to pull my thoughts into one uniform topic to write out. I've actually begun numerous entries and just deleted them when my thoughts veered off in several different directions.
So, I've decided to list what's on my mind in question format.
If you’re reading this, I successfully completed an entry and did not give up and delete it.
1. Why do some people find the need to criticize and question anything you say or do? I know some people who always have to find something wrong with what you do and find so much joy in pointing out your flaws. These same people love to question your actions, whether it’s the relevance, point or intelligence in it.
2. Why does one bad thing bring more negative events to create one bad day? It’s not necessarily that I have many bad days, but when I have a bad day it consists of one terrible thing to another. I would much prefer my negativity to spread out.
3. Why are some people so bent on having their way that they will do anything no matter who it hurts to get it? I know people who will undermine authority, ruin plans and hurt other people just to get something simple that they want. It's conniving and upsetting.
4. Why does technology plain suck? For lack of better words, technology is crap. It always seems to fail at the worst times. Phones freaking out mid conversation. Files not working right before a presentation. It’s such an annoyance.
5. Why do people assume they get to do whatever they please because of age? I don't understand why people think they can just do whatever they want regardless of skill or passion simply because they are older. It’s frustrating to those who work so hard to get to where they are now just to see someone get what they want without working for it.
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