Today, someone told me I am heartless and have no emotions. Of course, it was not as harsh as it sounds, because they were just speaking in reference to the fact that I did not cry at some silly 'tear-jerker' movie. But still, there may be some truth to what they said. I have never really been one to express emotion or become easily upset or excited over something. Emotional movies or sappy sad love songs have never really gotten to me, I am not affected by them. Sad true stories will rarely bring up strong emotion either.
Perhaps part of the reason is that I have never experienced extreme troubles in my life, so I do not relate so much. I have never lost a loved one, I have never had my heart broken, and nothing too terrible has really happened to me. I consider myself extremely lucky, but I also wonder if that is what leaves me lacking that emotional and sympathetic nature.
Being less-than-emotional is part of who I am, and I do not think it is an all bad part of my personality. I believe it is evidence that I am a strong person. I think it is a good thing I am not reduced to tears just because a character in a movie died a tragic death. I think if it is difficult to upset me, that will be good for when I do face trials at some point in my life that I can remain strong and not get upset over things. By not being upset and emotional, I can keep a clear head and continue to think logically while others may be blinded by raw emotion or too upset to even function.
While I do believe my ability to surpass emotion and remain level-headed is a strength, it still hurts a little to be told I have no emotions. I definitely think I have PLENTY of emotions, I feel like in the past few months especially I have felt a wide range of very strong emotions. I think I just have found emotions to be very dangerous when they are too strong or uncontrolled. I have found that you should be the one in control of your own emotions, not someone else, and your emotions should never have total control over you. So maybe my restraint of emotion comes off as being 'heartless' to others, but in the end I do believe it benefits myself.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What is This Feeling?
I've opened this page, stared at the blank text box and closed it about seven times now... I have a heavy feeling to write something, but I cannot seem to put what I want to say in words. The only words I can think of sound too extreme for how I feel, but it is all I have. I guess what I am trying to say is take how I describe my feelings lightly, it is not quite as severe as it sounds, but here I go...
I am a pretty easy going person, I can have a good time with just about anyone. There are definitely those people who just get on my last nerve, but i can usually handle it. Not only can I have a good time with just about anyone, I can have a really great time with my usual group of friends that I am beyond comfortable with. They are so much fun on all occasions. I have been having great times with them and still do, but something is just different. While I am having a wonderful time and enjoying myself, I feel like I do not belong, I actually feel alone in a crowd of people. I don't even know where this comes from but that is how things have become. I guess it could be that I am in a transition period from the same people all of the time to beginning again with a whole new group of friends and the fact that I am so comfortable with this leaves me uncomfortable with the old. I still like being around them and crave to do so more often, but as they grow closer (and will continue to do so), I drift.
I am about ninety percent sure this all has do with change. We are changing direction, as people we are changing and therefor our friendships are changing. I have gone through this before, change is difficult but good. I feel like I know that well enough now I should not even notice the difficulty of change, but here I am again. I will enjoy my time with friends as much as possible in the short amount of time I have left, and still have great times. I can only hope that this feeling of loneliness subsides.
I am a pretty easy going person, I can have a good time with just about anyone. There are definitely those people who just get on my last nerve, but i can usually handle it. Not only can I have a good time with just about anyone, I can have a really great time with my usual group of friends that I am beyond comfortable with. They are so much fun on all occasions. I have been having great times with them and still do, but something is just different. While I am having a wonderful time and enjoying myself, I feel like I do not belong, I actually feel alone in a crowd of people. I don't even know where this comes from but that is how things have become. I guess it could be that I am in a transition period from the same people all of the time to beginning again with a whole new group of friends and the fact that I am so comfortable with this leaves me uncomfortable with the old. I still like being around them and crave to do so more often, but as they grow closer (and will continue to do so), I drift.
I am about ninety percent sure this all has do with change. We are changing direction, as people we are changing and therefor our friendships are changing. I have gone through this before, change is difficult but good. I feel like I know that well enough now I should not even notice the difficulty of change, but here I am again. I will enjoy my time with friends as much as possible in the short amount of time I have left, and still have great times. I can only hope that this feeling of loneliness subsides.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Happy Fourth of July
I know, it is not July 4th just yet, but my state's capital is celebrating today so that is why I chose the title. And no, I am not going to write a generic entry about pride or patriotism, not exactly.
The Fourth of July was never a big deal to me or my family really. We would go to the parade, have a cook out, watch fireworks and play with sparklers. It was still an exciting day for us kids. Especially as summer started to get boring, it was a break from our monotonous visits to the pool, lazy days around the house, and nights of kickball in the court.
Today, fourth of July is even less exciting. Fireworks hardly are impressive, and my over-exposure to patriotic music in high school has caused for lack of appreciation in that area as well. As a music person I can listen to a well played Sousa march or American jazz band classics, but I have played my way through 'Stars and Stripes Forever' and 'Armed Forces Salute' enough times that I could sing you my exact part, note for note.
There is one part of high school that kept the frail and faint flame of patriotism alive in me: The annual Jazz Band & Chorale trip to our nations capital. We kept plenty busy visiting sights and museums, which is interesting but the main goal of our trips was to go into the retirement homes and centers for veterans to spend time with them and entertain them with patriotic pieces and tunes from their era. The appreciation those veterans had for our visits was so touching, after all they had done for us and their country. I can still remember the final performance my Junior year, we played a show on a cramped stage in one retirement home. Our director spoke about how those older folks in the audience are part of "The Greatest Generation", and one feeble old man struggled to stand and declared, "NO! I believe that they", pointing to us, "Are the greatest generation." Tears filled most of our eyes at the endearing statement from someone who chose to put his life in danger so that we could safely grow up and learn the music we were playing that day. It is small memories like that, not necessarily fireworks, floats or flags, that keep patriotism alive for me.
The Fourth of July was never a big deal to me or my family really. We would go to the parade, have a cook out, watch fireworks and play with sparklers. It was still an exciting day for us kids. Especially as summer started to get boring, it was a break from our monotonous visits to the pool, lazy days around the house, and nights of kickball in the court.
Today, fourth of July is even less exciting. Fireworks hardly are impressive, and my over-exposure to patriotic music in high school has caused for lack of appreciation in that area as well. As a music person I can listen to a well played Sousa march or American jazz band classics, but I have played my way through 'Stars and Stripes Forever' and 'Armed Forces Salute' enough times that I could sing you my exact part, note for note.
There is one part of high school that kept the frail and faint flame of patriotism alive in me: The annual Jazz Band & Chorale trip to our nations capital. We kept plenty busy visiting sights and museums, which is interesting but the main goal of our trips was to go into the retirement homes and centers for veterans to spend time with them and entertain them with patriotic pieces and tunes from their era. The appreciation those veterans had for our visits was so touching, after all they had done for us and their country. I can still remember the final performance my Junior year, we played a show on a cramped stage in one retirement home. Our director spoke about how those older folks in the audience are part of "The Greatest Generation", and one feeble old man struggled to stand and declared, "NO! I believe that they", pointing to us, "Are the greatest generation." Tears filled most of our eyes at the endearing statement from someone who chose to put his life in danger so that we could safely grow up and learn the music we were playing that day. It is small memories like that, not necessarily fireworks, floats or flags, that keep patriotism alive for me.
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