Week 5: Your Ex-Crush

Ooh, a good old cliche letter, that will be fun. So I am a high school girl, I have liked tons of guys. Time for a list of short anonymous letters? I think so. Let's go with reverse chronological on this one.

1. Ah, you were short lived, probably because of current situations. I only really had feelings for you because of possibility, similar interests, and you led me on.

2. You were just one of those, aw, wouldn't it be nice to date him, sort of deals. You're a cute kid, a nice guy and completely ideal. It's just best we remained friends, plus I don't think you date.

3. Oh goodness, this went on for ages, I am not even going to say it has gone away completely. I just felt like you were the perfect guy for me. I was apparently delusional, yet I could not stay away. I loved spending time with you and talking to you. You're hilarious, smart, and talented. Most of all you were a good friend, I think that was the catch: friend.

4. You're the perfect guy, that is completely it. You are what every girl needs. You're considerate, funny, handsome, endearing, cordial, polite, sociable, smart, talented, you have a great future, you're mature, friendly, a leader, a good listener, you have a good taste in music and you are the ideal guy. You've been my longest crush, and it never really disappears with each new guy, it just gets put into the back of my head because I hardly see you. We should change that.

I could go on longer, but these are the most recent and most important honestly. There will always be a long list, what else would you expect?

Ultimate Comfort

I am big on comfort. Being comfortable is one of my most favorite feelings EVER. My love for comfort probably explains why I love keeping my schedule packed and predictable, and why I hate awkward situations. I am most at peace when I'm comfortable. My favorite way to be comfortable (Which I'm experiencing as I write), is to have the house to myself, listen to some of my favorite indie bands, eat comfort food, put on pajama pants and just think... A lot of time these moments of relaxation and thought turn into my entries. My thoughts just flow with so much ease when I'm comfortable. Maybe it is something to do with the fact that there is nothing demanding my focus when I'm comfortable. I might be having a casual conversation via text or facebook, but otherwise my thoughts have the liberty to wander every which way. I can debrief my day, think about future days or just concepts on my mind. The longer I relax and enjoy comfort, the more developed and in-depth my thoughts grow. Everyone should take some time and by comfortable, it is good for the soul.

Something

There is something...
There is something bothering me and I can't place my finger on it, I can't seem to figure out what it is. There is something that is putting me on edge, making me wonder and worrying me. I just don't know what.
 I have this feeling that something is wrong, something is going to happen, something happened. I have no clue what could be causing this completely irrational feeling. There is nothing extra exciting happening now, recently, or in the near future.
I have to tell myself there is nothing wrong. I can't help but wonder, is this some sort of intuition that something may happen, or did something happen and I subconsciously know about it?
 This feeling completely irks me and I can't push it aside and out of my head.
Maybe something was wrong and I need to go back and think about it. Maybe I have to retrace my mental steps a bit. I'm sure it will take some self-reflection, thinking, and some good music to put my thoughts to rest.

A Brand New Day, Just Like All of the Others

The first entry of the New Year, and I have nothing to write about... I just woke up and have this terrible need to write something. Perhaps it is just in the spirit of new beginnings and such, Everyone else is making resolutions and talking about change, including myself. I already wrote about change. Multiple times even! So why am I drawn to this page with my hands on the keyboard at the ready?

I wrote that top part and took a break... I listened to my current favorite band, The National, and thought for a bit.

I find it interesting that as the sun rises on new years day we look for immediate change, we expect something new and exciting to happen right away. One year ago today I marched in the nations longest famous parade, Pasadena's Tournament of Roses Parade. We played 'A Brand New Day'. It was one of the most exciting and memorable days of my life. I had my big excitement last year. Not every moment of my life is going to be exciting or unexpected. We have to accept the monotony and predictable day-to-day we are all going to have in our lives. Exciting change is good for us, but sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the comfort of the norm. Regardless of the day that is so similar to yesterday and tomorrow, it still is a brand new day. Yeah I did it, I made a lyrical reference, what more would you expect than my comforting predictable way of writing?

It really is a 'New Year'

In 2010 I...
Marched in the nations longest famous parade.
Played a Class B solo
Was second chair
Turned 17
Learned to stand up for myself
Decided to go into Music Education
Visited Colleges
Went to Washington D.C.
Cried
Said Goodbye
Became a Field Commander
Made some fantastic friends
Danced
Laughed
Smiled
Participated in many Marching Band lasts
Stressed out
Rapped
Organized many things
Stressed out some more
Got a one at OMEA State Marching Band Finals
Participated in two Musical Orchestras in one year
Applied to four colleges
was accepted into all four
Discovered new artists
Practiced
Learned the Tambourine and many auxiliary percussion instruments
Became part of the Chorale Bears
Celebrated all of the usual holidays
Practiced some more

In 2011 I plan to...

Practice a whole lot more
Audition at my four schools
Make all of them
Get my wisdom teeth taken out
Become an Adult
Make a decision
Dance
Go back to D.C.
Play a solo at senior concert
Graduate
Say goodbye
cry
smile
Enjoy my accomplishments
Give more lessons
Babysit more
Make money
Go to my decided college
Make new friends
Become a better musician
Start at the bottom all over again.
Miss my old friends
Miss my band
Depending on my choice... March in Macy's again, Not be in marching band, be in a great band, sit in Dr. Swearingen's classes, have a bird as my mascot, keep my school colors, be close to home, have a 3 hour drive to school...

Every time it is a 'new year' things don't seem too much different. The difference between this year and the next seems so great. So many changes and new experiences. I'm excited, I'm ready.

Making Excuses

You've made excuse after excuse, come up with lies and found truthful reasons for not doing something. You're out of excuses.... What do you do? Well I guess you can go about this from two separate perspectives.

1. You've been making excuses because you don't want to do something but it's not like you have to do it.
Its like someone asks you if you'll do something for them, you can say no, that is an option. But finding the reasons to say no without seeming mean are difficult. 'I just don't want to' can be a harmful answer, and you can only come up with so many scheduling conflicts. This one I'd say is the more difficult of the two.

2. You've been making excuses because you don't want to do something that NEEDS to get done.
You've pushed it off, you've made up reasons why you haven't gotten to it in order to justify yourself. If it has purpose and necessity in your life, stop the excuses, just do it and get it over with. I need to take my own advice in this category.

These two perspectives differ by whether you're making the excuses to someone else or to yourself. Its interesting that the one involving others is more difficult than lying to ourselves. Is it really that easy to fool yourself? I feel as though there is something wrong with that.

Week 4: The Person You Hate Most

I want to say something first. I don't really 'hate' anyone. I hate things they do, I hate the way they act, I hate who they are now, not them as a whole.

It seems odd that I'm writing this one the day after Christmas. Just doesn't seem fitting. I have a schedule to follow. Well there are a few people who I dislike for certain reasons. I don't want to single people out, so instead I will write about reason's I may dislike someone.

I may dislike you if...

You have a huge ego. I admit there are times that I think highly of myself, or at least seem to. Generally its overcompensation. I can't stand when people think extremely highly of them self and vocalize it. You may think you're the best, but I don't want to hear about it.

You assume you are liked, you are favored or you'll automatically be chosen for something prestigious. This goes with a big ego. Those girls who assume any guy who blinks at them is in love with them...OBNOXIOUS. Those people who assume they don't have to work for something and will automatically get it because of favoritism, age, or because they think they're great... That is why I love it when justice is served and the one who works hardest gets to be top dog.

You crave attention. There are those people who will do anything for attention. They'll even go for negative attention. Dressing like a prostitute, being extremely (and fake-ly) loud, and bragging all fall under this category.

You Like Drama. This sort of goes with craving attention. There are those people who are so nosy, lie to start crap, talk about others constantly and get involved in drama that isn't theirs... Its just stupidity in my mind.

You are immature. I can't stand obvious stupidity and plain old immaturity. If everyone would act their age and learn a thing or two, things would be ok.

I'm not saying that I instantly dislike you for having one or more of these qualities.
I'm not saying that I've never demonstrated any of these attributes. I'm guilty, we all are.

I'm simply choosing to write about attributes rather than a letter singling someone out and blatantly saying "You suck." There isn't one single person I dislike most and no one deserves to be written about negatively online.

I'm glad to get this letter out of the way. Hope next week is a bit more positive.

Awkward...

So many times we have these moments where one word, said in a drawn out high pitched tone, "Awwwkwaaard...."
I personally hate these uncomfortable situations. I do anything to avoid them, dread the inevitable ones and when they happen I hastily attempt to end them and generally, this causes more discomfort. Awkward greetings with those you know somewhat well, but not well enough to have a good full conversation with. That repetitive question that I am asked every time someone realizes or discovers I am a senior in high school... "Have you made your decision yet?" Every time I have to answer with the long answer of my four possible schools, why I haven't made my decision, when I will make my decision, What is my top choice. Why is it my top choice. Then there are those awkward situations that come up out of the blue. Something unexpected is said and you have no response. The way people feel is contradicting. I get uncomfortable just thinking about possible situations. Maybe just getting out of my comfort zone more and more I'll eventually become immune to the discomfort of awkward situations. Or perhaps it is just a personality quirk I'll have to suck it up and live with, or embrace even. Just a quick thought on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas readers. Thanks for reading.

Week 3: The Friendliest Person you only Knew for a Short Time

So there is a group of girls that I met one week, We all instantly became amazing friends and had an amazing time, while most of never expected to. I miss them all so incredibly dearly. Buckeye Girls State was awesome thanks to these girls:

Dear Abby, Ashley, Brooke, Bre, and Sarah,
I miss you all so much! Thanks to you guys I turned what expected to be a miserable time into one of the best weeks of my life. I have never laughed harder about so many silly things. I'll try and attempt a list worthy of being called our insiders:

-Brooke's look.
-My glare
-Pudding
-slushies
-Don't treat us like dogs.....you know the rest.
-Piano songs in the lobby.
-Hyphen
-Superheroes
-Imma lead em on a high speed chase.
-YEAH!
-Brooke should be in choir.
- "Guyssss!" - abby
- Frank, Tom, Govna, LLoyd, Leslie, bubbles, Minnie, Muscles
-CHOCOLATE MILK
-Prostitution.
-BSD
-The infamous kick.
- Clarinet beat boxing.
- Titanium Falcon
- Hitler
- Special late night bathroom time.
- Singing in the shower

You are each such amazing, unique, personable, friendly, hilarious, smart wonderful girls and I am so thankful to have met you that week. I hope that we will someday meet again.

Reminded of my Blessings

Today I traveled with our school's Chorale to the Nationwide Columbus Children's Hospital. Kids were wheeled down in chairs or on mobile beds, followed by the IV's and machines their frail bodies were attached to. Some of their faces were smiling, although you could still see the exhaustion and sickness. Other faces looked tired, defeated and worn. There were sleigh bells handed out by some of the staff and the kids happily jingled away throughout the show and many clapped along to the songs. There were some who could that even got up and danced, although held back by injuries and tubes. Each show at a hospital or school is ended with the song 'Because it's Christmas'. Some of the lyrics include:

"Tonight belongs to all the children, Tonight their joy rings through the air

And so we send our tender blessings, To all the children everywhere

To see the smiles and hear the laughter, A time to give, A time to share

Because it's Christmas, For now and forever

For all of the children, And for the children in us all"

As the chorale beautifully sang these lyrics to audience members, many of them teared up and my heart was struck. I was reminded of how truly blessed I really am to be healthy and have the life that I do. My life has been filled with opportunity and blessings, much more than most. The places I've gotten the chance to go, the achievements I've made, the good health I have, the family who have been healthy and happy, the friends who have been put into my life, and I'm now working to get to college and make my career goals come true. Some of those children may never get to do any of that, there are some who won't even make it to Christmas this year and yet they are joyful about getting to be dressed up and sung to. I cried today, I cried for the kids who broke my heart, and because I am so happy and thankful to be blessed.