An Over-Used Metaphor: The Roller Coaster of Life

The metaphor has been used billions of time: "Life is like a roller coaster, it has ups and downs, low points and high points, etc.", but it is interesting how this same metaphor can be used in much more specific aspects when thinking over life concepts. It is pretty neat how the way to describe something can be revealed to you in the idea and psychology of a theme park ride.

For me, roller coasters have not always been 'okay', I used to be mortified and would not ride a single one. I have finally gotten over that fear and will ride NEARLY all of them. There are certain 'hills' I just cannot seem to get myself over. The slight fear of heights and uncomfortable feeling of going uphill may do the trick. The thoughts going through one's head throughout the entire ride do a good job of putting into perspective the idea of fear.

 For me, the long line leading up to a ride I have not ridden in a while or at all begins to psych me out, but I feel comfortable because you can back out at any point, you are still in control. Sure you might get laughed at for chickening out, but you are not at the mercy of the coaster just yet. The closer you get the more nervous you get due to the closing window of escape, yet that window seems more and more tempting. Once you have entered the station and sit down in the car, buckle the seat belt and wait to be slowly dragged up the treacherous chain hill you are at the point of no return and that is when fear hits a high point. I become on edge, I require that my riding partner talks to me the entire way up the hill to distract me from my increasing fear and discomfort. Once the hill is over and the train is sent plummeting towards the earth and twisted and flipped every direction I am able to fully enjoy the ride and adrenaline rush that comes along.

I would consider myself a mental and emotional claustrophobic, I need to always have an escape route or plan b. I need to feel in control of myself and the situation at hand. That, not only on rides, but in life is what psychs me out. Conquering fear takes getting over that first hill. It may be good for some to just get over all fear at once and do it, but I have found that slowly testing my tolerance levels have been a better method of enjoying rides. Some hills I am just not ready to get over yet, and it is the same way in life. I am just not ready to get over some of those fears yet, I have tried and will continue to test tolerance levels and inch towards buckling down and sticking it out for adrenaline and excitement hiding behind that tormenting, steep, stressful, hill.

A look at my written past

It is 10:00PM on May 25th, 2011. Tomorrow is the last day I will go through my 9 period day as a high school student. It is completely surreal. I cannot even wrap my head around the idea or acknowledge that it is happening. I'm taking some time to reflect on some things. I plan on spending my day tomorrow, going through all of the memories each location and thing in the school holds.

I found some journals today that I had written in my early high school years. I thought I'd post some excerpts.

"We had our first football game, it was the most amazing night of my life. I just love all the band kids. I can tell that we're going to become so close." -Boy was I right.

"Our first away game was AMAZING. I actually enjoyed the game. The bus ride was hilarious and the BEAT was sooo funny. We won in double overtime. After the win, it began to rain. The lights made it look like snow. The football players kneeled in a group as we played amazing grace. It was one of those perfect moments in life. In that moment, I realized how much I love this band. " - I still remember this moment clearly to this day. I stopped playing and let the sound of the rest of the band I have grown to love and the sight of the purple around me, 'snow' rain falling under the stadium lights and football team huddled in celebration. It really was a small perfect moment in time and I realized what I love. I didn't know it then, but that's when my slow and subtle journey towards my decision to follow music began.

"States: Amazing, scary, nerve racking. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is....ONE!" Pandemonium, it was amazing!. I will forever remember this moment." - Yes, I do, vividly.

I wrote those statements a little over 4 years ago. And those feelings still remain the same, perhaps stronger. Tonight at the dedication of our Rose Parade plaque, I was reminded of how much I love the family and how even after we leave, we are still a part of that family. I was moved close to tears, I know I will loose it and bawl like a baby, probably on senior night, but to leave the family I have had and loved for 4 years as well as my true family is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do

Boiling Frustration

I have four days left. I have completely checked out and that attitude has creeped into every aspect of my life. I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I am so ready to be done that I do not even want to be around the people I have been around for years. I have developed this inexplicable irritability that I cannot seem to get rid of. I feel overwhelmed, I am so done, and it is hot outside, all of this is driving me crazy and I just want to SCREAM. At no one in particular, but I just want to let it all out. I just want to live one month with nothing to worry about at all.

Morning

I hate mornings. Some people think of them as the new beginning, sunrises, getting the day started, etc. I think of mornings as a rude awakening, exhaustion, awful reminders, and monotonous routines.

Here is how my usual mornings go: Wake up, look at my phone and read messages I missed from the previous night (this is usually because I fall asleep mid conversation), remember things I should have done yesterday, add those to my list of things to do today, go through my schedule for the day, get ready, yawn around 40 times, go on my way.

It's the same boring routine every day, and there isn't much I can change. I instantly have a very negative outlook on things in the morning, even things I had a positive view on the night before. I don't know where it comes from, maybe being tired or half awake and lazy, but it's there; Plenty of negativity to go around.

Summer mornings are a little different, because I get to lay around and do nothing most mornings and just let the negativity and hatred for mornings simmer away and disappear completely. Thank goodness summer is coming soon.

Simple Happiness

Different things make different people happy. When those things conflict, happiness is so hard to reach and it is one of the most frustrating, disappointing and even depressing things. When that point of simple happiness is reached it is so relieving. It isn't that you are the happiest you've ever been, but that fact that you are able to be happy after a long period of unhappiness is what feels so wonderful. Just to be able to have a simply happy good time feels like the most wonderful thing in the world. One must be careful to not  let happiness blind you from underlying problems and subtle issues, but also not be so aware and defensive so to not enjoy the happiness.

Discrepancy

We all get friendships. A friend is someone who is there for you, you enjoy their company, spend time with, talk to, laugh with, trust, respect and love a certain way. We all have friends and some have what they consider "best friends". Some have a circle of close knit friends, while others have many friends that they do not truly know.

Relationships are also quite common to those young and old. In high school there are boyfriends and girlfriends, later in life, husbands and wives. There relationships are defined by a more physical and emotional commitment. You have the same trust, respect, enjoyment as a friend but there is something deeper in the way you feel towards that person. By saying you are their 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' you commit to that deeper part of the relationship with them and only them. The same goes for marriage, except that is life bonding. (Should be that is)

Now it seems like there is a basic fundamental line between being in a relationship and a friendship, but it seems there is such an in between state, but is it ok? Let us call it 'relationship x'. You do not quite have a relationship but you are definitely more special than just friends. There is commitment, but loose commitment. The commitment is there mostly because you cannot imagine hurting the other. Relationship x lacks the publicity of a real relationship, whether it be on purpose or by chance.

The way you love someone in this 'relationship x' will show which side of the problem you are coming from. If you love them the same way you love your best friend, you see the relationship as an EXTREMELY strong friendship, and generally fear it becoming anything more. If you love that person in a romantic unconditional way, then you see the relationship as a hopeful future commitment.

Now everything is fine and dandy if both parties see this special in-between relationship the same way. It is when there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy that problems arise. One friend falls for another and that is when all emotional turmoil is released. Feelings are hurt, hopes are crushed, worries constantly hinder the mind, fighting happens. Because of all of the results of discrepancy in relationship x, only the strong can survive there. Those who's relationship is strong enough and both parties involved are strong enough can last through this state of relational being. Those who are not strong enough allow one party to settle on one side of the fence or another, leaving someone and eventually both people unhappy.

Communication, Change, Credence

Everything happens for a reason. Certain things happening are God's way of communicating with us, teaching us a lesson, or guiding us in the right direction. While you may seem upset about something, and emotions run high and pain cuts deep, finding meaning and a message through painful change is what makes you a better person.

As I near the final days of high school, so much change is happening, and more on top of that. Being a scheduled and organized person, I hated change. If it was not in the 'routine' I would freak out and not accept it. I think God has used the many changes in my life to communicate that change is good, and starting anew in the next chapter of my life is a good thing. I have no need to be sad. He has used inspiration through others and situations among some to place a few realizations in my life and I could not be more appreciative.

Change can absolutely be scary. Not knowing what happens next, how to handle the next situation, not understanding the massive amount of emotions swelling in your heart. Change is stressful, trying to cope and make smooth transition is a difficult thing. Faith is necessary to make it through change. A leap of faith may be better than creating a 'smooth' transition in change. Change is hard to understand, but finding the purpose in change helps.

Credence is another word for purpose, meaning, or reason. I just needed another 'C' word for the title (thank you thesaurus.com). Finding that purpose and meaning in all of the change is what makes the pain and emotion worthwhile. Even the simple fact of knowing there is reason for pain or change, even without knowing what that is, is comforting. Finally connecting the many changes and understanding, or what I think is understanding is the most refreshing, comforting feeling of relief I may have ever felt in my entire life. I am happy.

The Missing 'to-do'

I have spent my day getting things done and going about my usual routine, and yet, something seems wrong. I have checked my 'to-do' list twice and everything that can be done this evening is finished. I have practiced all afternoon, I do not have any homework, what could be left? I feel like something needs done, but I cannot put my finger on it. Something about my day feels incomplete. I think back and I have completed every part of my routine, I left nothing out. This inexplicable feeling is not a great one to have. Hopefully I figure it out and do whatever needs done...

Reality Slap in the Face

61

Think about that number. It seems like a pretty big number when you talk about how many pairs of shoes you own, or in comparison to the number 4. Now think of the number in terms of dollars or days. That makes the number 61 seem so small and insignificant.

For a while I have been saying that graduation seems so far away and I cannot wait. Today it hit me that having only 61 days left is startling. I have a short 61 days to live out anything I ever wanted to do in high school, to have the luxury of waking up and seeing the people I love. I have 61 days until I am no longer under the shelter of being a student. I know I do not really gain much responsibility by graduating, but it is just that feeling though. I have to wonder, am I ready? Have I done all that I wanted to do? I started out the year thinking, "oh, I'm going to be that girl who cry at every last...", then I changed and caught senioritis. Now, I'm back to dreading the idea of it all being over. There are people I cannot stand the idea of leaving. It is going to be so hard. I am excited for the future, but I just want to hold on a little bit longer. 61 days does not seem long enough to make the best of what I have left. But I will try to make the best of it.

Lack of Patience

I am the post impatient person. I want immediate results, I do not like to wait around, and waiting is the most frustrating and aggravating thing to me. The fact that I have to wait for my mouth to heal so I can play my clarinet is driving me insane. Waiting for financial information from colleges is obnoxious to me. Worst of all, after choosing to do something a certain way, or handle a problem, I cannot stand the idea of waiting to see if what I did was the right thing. I wish as soon as I make a decision either a giant buzzer would go off telling me 'BEEP YOU ARE WRONG!', or confetti would burst out of no where telling me, 'Correct!'. I know it is stupid, but I am impatient, that is one of my endless list of flaws. More of those to come.