What is it?

How is it, that you can know that you're afraid of something but not be able to pin-point why? You can be genuinly fearful to the point of panic and tears and have no clue why you're scared or what you're scared of specifically. perhaps this is a sign that its a completley irrational fear. How do you get rid of it though? A fear is part of who you are. Its a part of your character. Who Knows.

Why?

I haven't written much lately thanks to a few reasons.


1. I have been busy. Welcome to the month of December and the Christmas season.

2. I haven't been able to pull my thoughts into one uniform topic to write out. I've actually begun numerous entries and just deleted them when my thoughts veered off in several different directions.

So, I've decided to list what's on my mind in question format.

If you’re reading this, I successfully completed an entry and did not give up and delete it.

1. Why do some people find the need to criticize and question anything you say or do? I know some people who always have to find something wrong with what you do and find so much joy in pointing out your flaws. These same people love to question your actions, whether it’s the relevance, point or intelligence in it.

2. Why does one bad thing bring more negative events to create one bad day? It’s not necessarily that I have many bad days, but when I have a bad day it consists of one terrible thing to another. I would much prefer my negativity to spread out.

3. Why are some people so bent on having their way that they will do anything no matter who it hurts to get it? I know people who will undermine authority, ruin plans and hurt other people just to get something simple that they want. It's conniving and upsetting.

4. Why does technology plain suck? For lack of better words, technology is crap. It always seems to fail at the worst times. Phones freaking out mid conversation. Files not working right before a presentation. It’s such an annoyance.

5. Why do people assume they get to do whatever they please because of age? I don't understand why people think they can just do whatever they want regardless of skill or passion simply because they are older. It’s frustrating to those who work so hard to get to where they are now just to see someone get what they want without working for it.

Maneuver around small yet significant details.

Imagine there is something you are very fervent and thrilled about. Perhaps something or someone you have feelings for. The excitement or other relevant feeling has been building and it is just wonderful. This all sounds terrific right? Well, there is always that one miniscule factor that completely transforms everything. It is so small and yet it is so influential to the situation. It changes your whole view on it all, and it creates conflict in yourself. How is it, that something so simple can defile something so excellent for you? If that one little detail was changed it would all be perfect.


If this idea also applies to a decision it changes what would be a simple ‘pick the obvious answer’ problem to a confusing predicament. That detail just leads to more questions and problems within itself. This creates a knotted tangled mess of confusion, questions and hurt.

This little detail that has grown into a big problem can materialize by surprise or it could’ve been known from the beginning and you just choose to ignore it with hopes that it will have no relevance. Unfortunately I think we all just have to face those wrecking ball details and get over them. If there is something in your life that you really want do something about it. Rather than viewing that detail as road block, picture a simple tree absurdly planted in the middle of the road. Why it is placed there, we have no clue. Just drive around it and keep going towards what you want. Don’t spend your day lingering on that tree either. Forget it and move on. We pass trees on our way to where we want to go all the time; this one was just oddly placed. I guess its time to learn maneuverability in our lives and get around those little details.

Family

Its Thanksgiving time, we all spend time with our family, you know, Grandma, Grandpa and Cousins? This Thanksgiving I got to be with my 200+ and somewhat dysfunctional family. I can honestly say it was the greatest experience of my life so far.

DAY 1
The excitement had been building up for days and my bag was packed. I woke up Tuesday morning overwhelmed with excitement and exhaustion. It was so early and yet I was so awake. As the busses pulled out of the parking lot I kept saying, "We’re going, we're actually going to NYC." The whole way there we sang, talked, slept and laughed. We even had some rap battles. It was late that night and we finally saw the city lights in the distance. There it was, "The City that never Sleeps" "The Big Apple" New York City, New York. I smile crept across my face, "we're here and we're about to have the greatest weekend of our lives" and I was right.

DAY 2:
The next morning we woke up from a wild and crazy night in our hotel and loaded up the busses for a day of shopping. After much traffic and a long trip through the Lincoln tunnel we finally emerged between enormous buildings and beautiful skylines. We were dropped off on 34th street between 5th and 6th avenue. I had money in my pocket and a mindset to do some bargain shopping. I don't think you really get how big New York is until you step out onto the sidewalk and stare up at the immense height of the buildings. I looked up at the empire state building and it rose higher and higher disappearing into the mist. "This place is truly amazing" is all I thought. We spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon riding up and down escalators through the many floors of H&M, Payless and of course the store that had brought us to this city, Macy's. We traveled through all nine floors of the largest store in the world. We found so many things. This includes parade merchandise, giant giraffes, Santa land and even a McDonald's where we got our lunch. As we stepped out of the store, I saw it: The patch of green on the streets with a big red star in the center with cameras angled towards it. This is the exact spot where the world will see us tomorrow. This is it. I was overwhelmed with excitement and happiness and just about any other good feeling. The busses then picked us up and we were off to Radio City music hall. Despite the ticket confusion they did a fantastic job in the show. A New York classic. The rest of the evening was spent in the larger than life stores of Times Square. Times Square is the shining gem of the entire city. Beautifully lit and bustling with activity and excitement. I simply love it. At the end of the night, we gathered for our group picture and headed for the busses knowing that we had a big day ahead of us. On the way home we premiered the rap sequence we had created for the seniors (they were at a show while we created on the last bus ride)
DAY 4:
We had packed up all of our belongings and got ready for the tour. We saw all the rest of NYC and stopped for shopping and lunch. I spent the ride home sleeping, watching movies and talking to some of the greatest friends...scratch that....family I could ever ask for. I love each and every one of them with all of my heart.
I skipped day 3 because I wanted to leave you with the most exciting day of the trip. The most memorable and the greatest day of my life:

DAY 3:
About two hours after we had dozed off, our alarms went off. This was no accident, it was time to get up and leave for practice. We suited up in the white pants, purple jackets adorned with parade participant's pins and hats complete with white feathered plumes. We were all so tired that we could hardly function but we all made it to the bus and into the city. We got up to the lighted practice area and ran through our show twice. We finally got to go back to the bus to eat and sleep until parade time. I woke up to the bus moving along to get to the starting line of the parade. We got closer and closer seeing people finding their seats along the route. We finally got to the line up area. It was amazing we saw all of the floats and balloons up close. We met celebrities and had a great time. At this point we had all forgotten our exhaustion because it had been replaced with excitement. The Macy's official in charge of us finally said. "IT'S TIME TO GO!" we ran to our position on the streets and we heard the announcer say, "Next lining up is the Pickerington Central Marching Tigers for their fourth year in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Pickerington Central Marching Tigers, PLEASE JOIN THE PARADE" at the sound of these words I was overwhelmed with pride excitement and happiness; I could no longer hold it in. Tears of joy streamed down my face and my smile never left my face the whole parade. We followed the Pillsbury dough boy the entire route and the mass of people was incredible. At least 10 people deep in every area. You could feel the happiness all around you. Everyone was wishing each other a happy thanksgiving, shaking the directors' hands and throwing confetti. The cheers were loud as we passed. "GO TIGERS" "GO OHIO" "YAY PICKERINGTON" Each time I heard these cheers, my heart swelled even more with pride. I am a Pickerington Central Marching Tiger. I am here in the world renowned parade having the time of my life. I cannot think of anything that could make me happier right now. The look on Mr. Joy and Mr. Riley's faces reflected the feelings I had. I could tell they were so proud of us. It’s something we needed. We were having such a hard season and this made everything worth it. There was nothing that could bring us down. After a long while of marching and stopping we got to the point where we switched into our formation positions. This was it, our TV portion. The focus of most of the world was about to be on us. I had more butterflies than I'd ever had. I was happier than I've ever been. Finally: TAP. This was our signal and off we went. Jingle bells playing, crowds cheering, lights shining and hearts swelling. All the happenings of that very moment. This was it. This was one of the greatest moments of High school. I highly doubt anything that comes along will top that. I dare the world to prove me wrong. I finished that parade knowing that I'd just made a lifelong memory. I had just experienced the highlight of my life so far. I had a very big reason to be thankful that Thanksgiving.

The day only got better from there. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready for thanksgiving dinner. I ate my usual turkey and bread with pie following that with all of my family away from family. We then danced the night away and had the perfect ending to the perfect day.


IN THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING:
This has been great. I will never experience anything like it again and I want to thank Mr. Sewell.: He is the reason we got there he has been the greatest band director we could ever ask for and has taught us everything we know and made us the band and people we are today. There is nothing we could ever do to repay everything he has ever done for us. Mrs. England: She does so much for us and receives nothing. She spends all of her time making these trips safe and fun. She provides the experiences we all get. Thank you. Mr. Joy: he is one of the most loving and hard working people I know. He pours his life into this band. No matter what happens he is there for us and knows what to do. I hope that he will one day take Sewell’s place and become just as great. He deserves it and I know he will be fantastic. Mr. Gorgas: he's done more than people realize he is a genius. Thank you for all that you do for us. Plus you are hilarious. Corey Riley: he's not even paid and yet he takes time out of his life to make us a better band. Thanks.

PHSC Marching Tigers: Directors, Parents, Chaperones, and Students. I love each of you with a passion that grows stronger and stronger with each memory we make. Its experiences like these that make me realize how lucky I am to be part of something so great. Sure we have very ugly moments and hard times but when I think about what we did this weekend it is overwhelming. We marched the most prestigious parade of all time. We were part of a tradition of the country. I also have so many great times with all of you. We know how to take any situation good or bad and make it 100x better. There are not words to describe how great you all are and how much I love you. Thank you for the experience of a lifetime.

What happens to a Legacy once its ended?

It happened, it actually happened... The 20 consecutive year Legacy of the Pickerington High School Marching Tiger Band's Superior (I) Ratings at OMEA State Marching Band Finals has ended, and I am part of the class responsible. I thought we played and marched straight from our hearts. I know I tried and others who care so much about this program did as well. If that’s what we did, then what happened? Were there others I didn't notice who really don't care and just did what they had to. I don't know what it was, but it can't be changed back. We have our II and that’s all I know. The senior class did not deserve this at all. Mr. Joy and Mr. Sewell don't deserve this. I feel like I played a part in letting them all down. It is the worst feeling in the entire world. What I can do about it? Nothing. I can continue to work hard, but there will always be this II. Mr. Sewell is so proud of his legacy and we had to take that away from him.




I walked up the bleachers at the end of that last practice to give Mr. Joy the cookie's I'd made. He pulled me aside and said, "I think that went really well. I think we can do this!" I nodded in agreement. At that point in time I really did agree. I was worried but I thought we could actually pull of getting a one. Once we got to Dayton I was ready to go. We got off the bus and got ready to perform. By the time we were suited up in white pants, purple jacket hats and plumes ready to warm up the nerves set in. I still had a hope burning inside me, but there were definitely nerves. We warmed up with just Mr. Joy. Mr. Sewell was having chest pains and once again was not able to be with us in this contest. At the end of warm up Mr. Joy told us how proud he was of us and let us know that he believed in us. Haley said a beautiful and uplifting prayer and then we were off. I could hear the sounds of the band before us as we neared the stadium. It was soon our turn.



Before I knew it, we were on the field and turned around ready to perform. Amazing Grace filled my ears lungs and heart. I really believed we could do this. We all cared so much about the band and Mr. Sewell. We raced through the songs with what I believed to be few mistakes. We were off the field getting dinner and everyone was asking each other, "how do you think we did?” I had thought we did well. Better than I expected. I knew it wasn't as spectacular as previous years but we still did well. I still had hope.



We sat in the stands waiting for the scores and watching other bands. After a short judges break, we suddenly heard a voice on the loudspeaker, "Pickerington Central Marching Band with _____ Members," and a pause. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is........" ...In this moment here I was so incredibly worried. I didn't know what I'd do. I just wanted that one. For the band. For Mr. Sewell... "TWO". There was the most silent moment I had ever experienced in my entire lifetime and all I could manage was a pained gasping expression with a single tear rolling down my cheek. My best friend attempted to comfort me. Mr. Joy also turned around giving me a sympathetic hand pat. All I could think was, " No, no, no, no, no, this can't be happening.." Then the other thoughts began to run through my head, "The seniors are probably so upset. What will we do now? Who's going to tell Mr. Sewell?" I turned to look at the crowd of purple behind me. The expressions on everyone's faces illustrated the feeling rushing through every last one of us sitting there. It was the saddest moment I could've imagined. I couldn't bear to look to the left of me, because there were the very seniors who claimed they would be upset and who I had been somewhat close to. I sat there applauding the rest of the bands scores. Most of them being II's but when the announcer would say, "...Your overall band rating is....ONE!" I couldn't help but let a few more tears fall down onto the lap of my white pants. I wanted those words to be said after our name. Why couldn't that be us? When the contest was over, we all tried to get up and leave but Mr. Joy stopped us. He told us he was proud and we did well. Maybe he was proud, but I know he was hurting. There is no way that all of us were hurting and he was not. I think everyone was upset one way or the other. The walk back to busses was awful. I finally let it all out, sobbing uncontrollably making a fool of myself... A few people attempted to comfort me with pats on the back and kind words followed by hugs. I apologized to a few seniors. Whether they were upset or not, I felt it necessary...



I don't understand why. I don't understand why I take it so badly and get so upset. Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I care too much? Should I not take it so seriously...? I feel like our band would fall apart if everyone decided to take it less seriously and we stopped caring. Look how it has already affected us...



Now what I'm thinking is, where do we go from here? Yes, I know you're going to say, "Move on" but what about the Legacy. It’s gone. It'll take another 20 years to rebuild it. We do have so much to look forward to, and I think I can move past this. But it hurts and I feel that this memory will always hurt. One day later and I still cried when people began to talk about it and I tried to tell my self to stop caring but that just upset me more. I think that I take it too seriously some times, but when I try to tell my self to not care so much and move on I think about all the people who don't care. I feel like less and less people have cared this year. I put my heart and all into band and the people who don't care take it and rip it to pieces. It’s because they're hurting the band and hurting Sewell and Joy... I can't stand it. I knew that we couldn't just continue on forever getting ones. There would have to be a day that we received a II. I had just hoped with all my heart that I would never have to see that day come in my high school career.

Here we go.

Despite what I said in my last post, we are going to states. I could constantly right for a year about what happened, but the important part is that we have to go now.

It will be November 8th in about ten minutes... that means the day of States... I'm scared

We're not very well prepared for this competition. I think we may be able to do it but I am scared out of my mind..

Eternal Excelence.

Today we were told by our band director that, "[he] has withdrawn us from OMEA State Marching Band competition." Those are words I never expected to escape Mr. Sewell's lips... I know we're not ready and we probably would've gotten a II.

Did I know this was going to happen?
No

Do I think this was the best descision?
I'm not sure if I like it, but it will be for the better.

This band has recieved a superior rating at state marching band competition for twenty years. If we would go to states, we would probably ruin that legacy. Then again, This band has actually gone to states for twenty years too. Honestly I think we've still broken the legacy but in a way we've stepped down with dignity.

The marching band has honestly in my opinion has been getting less and less great. I was hoping that our excelence could at least last long enough to see me through graduation. Obviously one band can't be excelent forever, but is two more years too much to ask? I do everything I can to do well. I try to help the band be its best in everyway I possibly can... Its just not enough.

I absolutely respect my band director's decision. He knows what he's doing. It was hard for him I'm sure. So don't take this as whining or complaining. Simply my thoughts about band...

If ANYONE at all speaks down upon us for our decision they can watch us on TV in the Macy's Day Parade and the Rose Parade and then talk about how "bad we are"....

How can I succumb to the need to write, with nothing at all to say?

I just spent two hours in an awful marching band warm up in the pouring rain. I experienced sadness, thrill, accomplishment and a torrential down-pour. I'm now happily sitting in warm dry clothes at my desk and I simply have the urge and the need to write. I'm not sure why this feeling has just come upon mte, but its here. Today was a simple school day. It was long and boring. We went to the football game. It was senior night so we watched each of our seniors be introduced. They listed each activity they were involved in. These lists were quite extensive... We then sat in the rain played some pep tunes. Athalf time, I got to play the clarinet solo due to illness in my secition (yes, the swine has infected the clarinets). I was so excited and I got it right this time! It was quite exhilerating. We were given the choice to leave or stay at the game. Our director didn't want us to get sick. Many people left, my group of friends were mostly invited to go get ice cream. Each of them were invited in front of me... I'm sure that I wasn't purposely left out. Just, unthought of? I don't know I'm probably just over reacting, but it seems that when my friends hang out with some of the seniors they know, I'm forgotten... I know they still love me and are still the greatest friends I could ask for. Its just frustrating. Its like I'm the toy they used to play with but I'm no longer fun. They've found better toys to play with and I'm just left in the bottom of the toy bin...Forgotten. I hate to leave you with this depressing thought but I have no positive ones to drive it out... I appologize.

Feeling an Irrelevant Excitement

While today wasn't too incredibly exciting, and there's nothing extraordinary to look forward to in the next few days I feel as though I've experienced something spectacular or know of a grand future. I feel the way I do after a great time with friends or before a big exciting trip. Why I feel the way I do, I don't know. Its inexplicable and so....irrelevant. Excitement doesn't fit into today or days to come, and yet its here. It makes me wonder, did I forget about something but I know I should be excited? Am I mistaking excitement for worry? Does my body know something I don't? Being eager about something is generally a good feeling. On the other hand, The mystery as to whats behind this perplexing sensation is bothering me to a great extent. Hopefully my emotion's origin will be made clear to me.

Listening to: 1901 by Phoenix

Dear Pickerington,

I was talking with a friend who I haven't hung out with in some time on the way back from homecoming and he said something along the lines of, "I would be perfectly content with never leaving pickerington." I thought about how I feel about this town that I've called my "hometown" for 9.5 years now. I simply love being here. My friends here mean the world to me. Our school is great. My church. The Marching Band.... Its all parts of what make pickerington my home. I had a fantastic time with my friends tonight. We sat in Culver's past closing laughing so hard our sides throbbed. With it being my junior year and high school, I'm over halfway done. I have less time with some of the people I love than I've spent with them so far. Its a truly saddening thought. I really take the great times we have for granted. I hope to keep in touch with as many people as possible, but I know that college takes away your time, your time for catching up with old friends. I'd love to live here in little old pickerington after college, but what if its not the same. I wonder if the only reason I love it here so much is because my friends are here with me, I'm in the great school. I'm part of my church and the marching bad that will probably not be as great down the road... I can only hope that after I graduate college and come back to this place I call my home that I can just pick up where I'd left off and continue enjoying my life in good old pickerington...

Bittersweet..

I'm supposed to be happy, and I am happy... I'm not just happy though. I have other feelings. These feelings are absolutely separate from the joy I feel. I love having a reason to be happy. I just hate these moments where you have a fantastic reason to be happy and everyone around you is happy, but there's something that upsets only you. This thing doesn't impinge on anyone else but you. I just wish that I could be happy and be nothing else but happy. Just for a little while. But of course there is always something standing in my way. If only I could just lock those things to the deep dark depths of my mind so they don't perturb me any longer. Unfortunately I'm forced to think about everything good and bad, persistently...

Another Average Tuesday.

The weather has jumped from awful heat to weather that requires a bit more layering. I actually enjoy the change. Its a nice feeling to stand out on the practice field for marching band and fell the cold air blow by in large gusts. I love wearing jeans and hoodies. Most of all. I love not sweating in my uniform on friday nights! Its a great feeling. For my Thematics class I have to create a 3D star that reflects me. I decided to make it out of cardboard and post pictures and symbols representing me and covering it in metallic paint and tin foil. Kind of an "Artistic" take on the project. well the last few days have been pretty great.

And it all began...

Well, I started a video blog, Vlog if you will, but I just never seem to have time to record, edit and post them. I decided to go with a plain and simple written blog. I can do this while getting ready for school, sitting in my pajamas or while watching Glee. Much more simple and I can be much more consistent. I will still occasionally post more videos but I will always be bloggin' it up!

Listening To: All Is Love - Karen O and The Kids