Every time my brain isn’t preoccupied with something else, it comes back. That one thing, we all have it. The moment we consider to be the worst of our lives. Every time, whether I’m lying in bed, driving home from school or just relaxing on a day off, my mind wanders back there to that situation. I beat my self up for what I did wrong. I realize I needed to grow a backbone. I should’ve stood up for myself. I question my decision. I thought it was the best choice, maybe I should’ve done it myself rather than leave it to others to do for me. But I did believe it was best. But the question comes back, was it really the right thing to do?
Most of the reason this situation creeps back into my mind is due to the fact that it still poses problems in the present. I miss the way things were, I miss who people where. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like thanks to this situation and the cause of the situation itself I’m losing the people I love most. I want to help, but I don’t know how to go about it. I was always the one helped. I don’t know what to do. They were always the ones to help me, now it’s my turn and I don’t know what to do. They won’t listen any way. My thoughts probably sound like a mess. They are, you’re not mistaken.
My feelings lately of being left behind in the changes are probably due to this whole situation too. The cause has taken my friends from me. It happens though; it’s just how things go I guess. My disapproval of the cause drove them off too. But honestly, how can I accept it? I just can’t. I can’t watch my friends do this anymore. But there we go again. Why I feel so alone…
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Pathetic
Lately, I've honestly just felt pathetic. I have no life outside of school. Sure I go to Jazz bad, Orchestra, and youth group. Outside of that, I do nothing. Too many times I find myself sitting at home wondering what to do.
Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.
Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.
Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.
Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.
Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.
Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.
Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.
Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Value.
Sometimes I think the value of a 'job well done' is forgotten. This happens for those individuals or groups even who simply are used to doing well. They take winning for granted. I think it takes a small failure followed by success to remind us how much doing well is truly worth.
When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem
There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.
Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.
Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.
Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.
When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem
There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.
Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.
Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.
Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
For the sake of writing.
I just love it when you have a really great day. A day that’s not just good because nothing bad happened. A day where everything just turns out great. Everything from little joys to exciting accomplishments all occurring in a single 24 hours.
The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.
The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.
It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.
The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.
The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.
It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.
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