Every time my brain isn’t preoccupied with something else, it comes back. That one thing, we all have it. The moment we consider to be the worst of our lives. Every time, whether I’m lying in bed, driving home from school or just relaxing on a day off, my mind wanders back there to that situation. I beat my self up for what I did wrong. I realize I needed to grow a backbone. I should’ve stood up for myself. I question my decision. I thought it was the best choice, maybe I should’ve done it myself rather than leave it to others to do for me. But I did believe it was best. But the question comes back, was it really the right thing to do?
Most of the reason this situation creeps back into my mind is due to the fact that it still poses problems in the present. I miss the way things were, I miss who people where. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like thanks to this situation and the cause of the situation itself I’m losing the people I love most. I want to help, but I don’t know how to go about it. I was always the one helped. I don’t know what to do. They were always the ones to help me, now it’s my turn and I don’t know what to do. They won’t listen any way. My thoughts probably sound like a mess. They are, you’re not mistaken.
My feelings lately of being left behind in the changes are probably due to this whole situation too. The cause has taken my friends from me. It happens though; it’s just how things go I guess. My disapproval of the cause drove them off too. But honestly, how can I accept it? I just can’t. I can’t watch my friends do this anymore. But there we go again. Why I feel so alone…
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