Here we go again....

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in"
-'I'm not that girl' Wicked

This happens all the time: I am thrown a little bit of bait called hope and I hold on for dear life. I constantly wish, dream and even scheme. I imagine little scenarios of what could be. In the end, all of that dreamy 'what-if' mindset makes things worse. Sure it might be nice to enjoy the 'maybes and the 'some day’s and that cute little feeling you get in your stomach. It is all fleeting though once you realize that it'll never happen. Reality really is a slap in the face, but it wakes you up. Technically this is a good thing. It is important that you live life, real life, not the little dream world we all create in out heads. More can be accomplished and more can be experienced when we face reality. Reality is imperative; nevertheless, it truly does hurt. So perhaps its better to not wish and hope as much, that way the pain may be alleviated.

"Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart..."

I have R.L.S

You've all seen the commercial for Restless Leg Syndrome treatment...I've decided I have something quite similar. Restless Life Syndrome.


I sit here on my free nights and absolutely hate it. Sure my free time is rare and relaxing is good for you, but I just can't stand sitting at home with nothing to do. I want to be doing something productive, or with friends. I don't want to feel boring and useless any more. Sure we all think that life needs to slow down sometimes, but I'm honestly fine with the world moving full speed ahead. Perhaps this problem is due to my lack of patience. Or maybe it is just because not having plans makes me feel plain old pathetic. Whatever the reason, I either need to find something to do, or learn to chill and be alone. I don't know if I'm alone enough or too much, my boredom makes it seem as though I'm alone a lot. There is also the possibility that my inability to be alone is because I'm not used to it. Sometimes I even think writing in this blog is my cure to feeling pathetic, bored and alone. It makes me feel busy and as though I have something to do, although it really isn't important.

What a week

I just want life to be like this forever. These weeks come very rarely, but when they do it is sheer bliss. Great things happen to you, and they surprise you one after another. You receive astonishing awards and compliments. You experience joy and fun times with those you love. You achieve spectacular goals. These are the times when it seems nothing can bring you down.


This past week has been amazing for me. I feel as though everything that has happened to me has been at worst, normal. I had a pretty good idea of what the week had in store for me, and it was promising. It began with simple rehearsals but then came Tuesday morning. It was an exciting day; I was inducted into the prestigious National Honors Society. Another added surprise 'bonus' came along with the honor and exciting times. I had been told a week ago, by a good friend, that my name had already been chosen by a current member to induct me so they could not do it themselves as they were planning to. I had no clue that it was. When I got up on to the stage I would have to make a split decision as to whether I like this person, and whether to go with a hug or handshake. My name was called and none other than the friend who had told me my name was taken walks on to the stage. It is just like him to pull something like this. It was indeed a pleasant surprise. The next day I had rehearsals and meeting galore, but they held good news. In the rehearsals we were preparing for our OMEA State contest and in the meeting I was informed of the process I will have to partake in to become a field commander next year. Pure excitement for the future developed about the time of those meetings. Good things arrived by mail as well. I received my acceptation into the All Ohio State Fair Youth Band! I will live at the fair for two weeks to rehearse, make friends and perform! Another great honor and opportunity given to me this week. The last day of this week began with a trip with some of the marching band to the opening of a Wal-Mart. It was a little strange marching through the clothes, electronics and grocery section. It was almost like a very strange dream, but it was a fun time and we received a monetary reward. We went off to breakfast where we enjoyed each others company and relaxed away from school. I only had to go to three classes because we then began rehearsal for State Contest scheduled for 4:30 that afternoon. We then loaded onto busses and headed off. I was so incredibly nervous but we played our very best. It all paid off, because we got that I (superior) rating that Mr. Sewell deserved and did not get in the marching band season. I ended the day with a bus ride home with some really great guys.

Weeks like these make you wonder, what did I do to deserve such great things and such a good week? Perhaps I do not deserve it at all and it is just a gift. Thoughts can also reside on the other side of the spectrum: Is this the calm before the storm?

Even throughout all of the amazing times that happen over the course of a week, the image of the hard times, waiting on the horizon like a dark storm, sits in the back of the mind.

Drive

Nothing can be done well without purpose, passion and desire. You must be driven to complete the task at hand. My day-to-day of school work, tests, studying, cleaning, practicing and learning is quite dull. It is next to impossible to passionately do a math assignment or for me to desire going to school to take a test. I simply do it. There are some days though where I feel extremely motivated and ready to take on the world. I try my hardest, focus and am the absolute best that I can be. I really love those days. I feel alive, more intelligent and mature. It is as though I've finally grown up and am ready for the real world. Nevertheless, my future still frightens me.

Behind

Its time to catch up. I have so many ideas and no time to blog!
About a year ago, my friend got me this fantastic Vera Bradley journal for my birthday:

I'm not much of journal keeper, so I didn't have much use for it, but now because I'll think of ideas for a blog post in random places such as in class, at band or at church. I now carry my Night Owl patterned notebook and jot down little Ideas I get to post here when I get the chance!

A Lie for a Lie?

A Quick Thought:

Lying can be hurtful and terrible. We all know that. There are good lies though, ones that are used to cover up pleasant surprises for instance. So say that someone truly hurts another by lying to them. A few weeks later they lie once again, but this time to cover up a surprise... So does this mean a good lie can make up for a bad one? This idea humored me a little.

A Little Taste of the Future

Today I assisted my injured private instructor in her most stressful even of the year: The Junior High Solo & Ensemble contest. I got to take on the role of band director by handling judge’s copies, tuning students, making sure the accompanist got there and everything ran smoothly. This is everything I would do if I were truly a band director taking my own students to competition. It felt empowering, I felt mature and most of all, it felt right. Lately I've been lost and worried about my future and what I want to do with my life. I've become more and more confident that music education is the correct choice for me. Music and teaching are both my passion. What a reassuring day.

Choices and Preparations

My life, in regards to school, band and my future has recently been consumed with choices to be made and preparations to be had. As my junior year comes to a close I begin to visit colleges and research scholarships. For band, I have auditions to practice for and tryout routines to learn. I feel like my present is so wrapped up in my future. Haven't I always been told to live for the moment, and be in the present? I've also been taught that planning and being ready for what lies further down the road is crucial. Where is that perfect balance of the two? Does the happy medium exist?

In order to sort everything out, I think I'll use a list method...


Preparing...

In concert band, we have State Competition in a week, and we practice constantly, I really do hope we do well.

Very soon, we will hold clinics and tryouts for the position of Field Commander (commonly known as drum majors) for the upcoming marching band season. I've wanted this position for some time and I want it with just about every fiber of my being. I plan on working as hard as possible to do my best and hopefully receive this opportunity.

I need to do some serious studying. My ACT score is currently 27. My goal is a 32, but I'm going to need to do more than just go in and take the test. I also need to take the SAT sometime soon...

I've finally gotten my grades up to where I need to have them, but moving them further would be fantastic. I really need to pull the focus in and just work hard.


Choosing...

I really don't know where I want to go to college yet, I have ideas and what would be nice...but this is a choice that could alter the education I receive or the opportunities given to me. I need to know exactly before I choose

Next step, choose a major. I am quite confident that I want to major in music education, but what if I find out its not right for me, or its simply to hard? I would waste all the time and money put into getting me there.

I've noticed that when I line up my extra-curricular and credentials all I have is band and church.... I need some more. I need to be as impressive as can be... So now, what do I need to join or participate in? I need to find something I can be remotely interested in and looks good on all of those college applications.

Unintentionally Frustrating.

I know that they are not trying to upset me, they probably have no clue that I even care. They just frustrate me. They even hurt me, but have no clue that they do so. I have no right to get upset though. First off, they have no clue that they upset me, and you cannot get angry with someone for doing something they had no idea was wrong. Secondly, It is probably not worth being flustered over. Its all because I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. Things do not go my way, therefore I get upset. I can't control people's feelings, I get that, but I cannot let it upset me any more. Just a quick rant before bed.

Jealously Alone.

So I was texting this guy, who's my friend but not close enough that we hang out or anything, just someone I talk to, and he was telling me about his crazy adventures over this spring break (this involves climbing a grocery store and staying up there most of the night). I couldn't help but think 'I am so ridiculously jealous of the fun he has with his friends'. Things have run dry with all of my friends. We hardly ever hang out; when we do it always seems to be a bit awkward. I don't know what happened to us all; we used to have such great times. There never was a dull moment. And now, that is exactly what describes us. Dull. I have some ideas as to why this has happened, things have happened and we've gone separate ways. I also wonder if this is God making things easier for me, it may sound crazy but let me explain. I've always dreaded leaving my friends and family in Pickerington. I a little over one year left until I leave for college and so far I can't stand the idea of it. Maybe because I'm not as close as I once was with my friends it'll be easier for me to leave them next year. I'm sure I'll still get emotional but maybe it will hurt less. I just wish I could have some more of those good ole fun times to fill up my last 2 summers and last year here. I'm so jealous of the friendships everyone seems to have. Nights over at houses every night, Tping, other enjoyable rendezvous. Maybe not climbing to the top of abandoned grocery stores, but I just want to make memories to take with me wherever I go. Maybe it’s time to make some last minute high school friends. We all know how great I am in that department...