Hopeless

There is turmoil in our school district. It is such a sad and painful situation for teachers, administrators and those students who actually care. Loved programs are being cut and the teachers who have changed our lives are losing their jobs. I was speaking with a teacher who will most likely lose their job. They are considering going back to college and getting a degree in something else. They have the degree I plan to pursue. I look up to this teacher. I watched them go from college, to being part-time, getting their master's, and becoming an amazing educator and truly improving the music program at the junior high. Because of this I have considered them 'my hope'. What they are going through now is very similar to my future. I go to them with my college, music, career, and life questions. They are not only a teacher but like an older brother and friend to me. When they told me they may go back to college and pursue another career, I couldn't help but cry. Thinking about them giving up leaves me no hope. The very same thing could happen to me. There are very few jobs out there and I could have to go back and become a business woman. I have to wonder if there is even hope. Is it even worth my time? There is no other profession I think I could love. Sure, I have back up plans but it is not what I want. I can't stand to see these cuts happen to music teachers, it scares me. I don't want to be at that end of the rope, I cannot be ignorant to the fact that it is a real possibility.

Early Spring Cleaning

I hate cleaning...usually. I love to be organized and neat in just about everything but my room. My drawers and closet are normally a mess and you can rarely see my floor. Today I just felt like the unbearable task had to be done. My floor is visible and has that clean 'just-vaccumed' look. My shoes are in line in my closet, and it is color coordinated. My drawers are neat and orderly, my shelves look professional and impeccable. I organized my college stuff, papers, books and my dry-erase calender is updated and also color coordinated. I didn't write all this to brag about the great job I did, I promise. I am so tired of this cold, dark, snowy winter. I have been craving the open-windows, sunshine and free feeling of spring. I think I felt the urge to clean because my mind is already in the spring mindset. Clearing the cobwebs and stress of winter and starting anew. Having my room clean makes me feel like I can think clearly. It is a silly little thing, but even though mother nature is not ready, I am. Lets start spring already!

On a side note, I am behind on this letter project. The topics leftover are either not too exciting, hard, or I want to save them for the end. I'll catch up eventually. Next time I have lots of time to think and write, I will post two letters to make up for last week. I promise.

Mirror Moment

I am pretty sure everyone has those days, weeks, months or even moments were you learn about yourself. Throughout my chaining life, preparation process, youth group and thinking over the past few days, maybe even weeks, I have had a good amount of time to self-reflect and learn a bit about myself.

1. I am so incredibly predictable. In youth group over the past few weeks we've been digging deeper into our spiritual gifts, abilities, heart and personality. We've been given quizzes and just looked through and self evaluated ourselves to discover what God has given us to make us who we are. Every time, my results are completely obvious, not only do I guess them but so do others around me. At first I thought that I was boring, and I needed to be different, more surprising and spontaneous. Last night I came to the conclusion that being predictable is not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I am sure of my self, I have discovered a large chunk of who I am and I am confident in that. That is reassuring, because I love to be confident and sure of things.

2. I am a memory person. I was looking around good 'ole facebook today and noticed that I have so many more pictures and status updates than most. I took some time to think about why that is, I sure hope it is not because I'm conceited or anything... But I think it is because I love memories. I love reminiscing and going through old pictures and notes. I bring up old inside jokes and memories a little too often. I hold tight to memories, and that is where my dislike of change comes from as well as how emotional I get when memorable things end. While it is nice to be sentimental and such about my life so far, I don't want to continue living in my past, I will completely miss my future.

3. I am a perfectionist. Striving towards perfection improves me, but I am so hard on myself. I constantly criticize and find things I need to change, I hate knowing I am wrong and knowing that I didn't succeed. My perfectionist ways are not necessarily something I need to change about myself, but I need to keep my confidence up, otherwise I won't succeed, I will be critical of myself and then I am back to square one.

Now the best part of metaphorically looking in the mirror is the chance for self-improvement as well as self-appreciation. You find out what you need to fix in order to be a better person, and what you have that makes you who you are in a positive way. The self-appreciation really boosts your confidence and helps you exemplify who you are to others, being confident in yourself is extremely noticeable to those around you and makes you someone who is enjoyable to be around and you'll be much happier with what you see in your reflection

Just Layin' It Out There

Today everyone has been talking about the PLSD Board of Education meeting that happened last night. We all knew this meeting was coming and we knew it would be hard. When the levy didn't pass we knew that jobs would be lost, programs would take a hit and emotions would rise. Everyone has been saying this and that, conversing, discussing and interpreting. I don't know everything about the situation and I'm not going to pretend like I do. I've heard different ideas and conclusions others have drawn from information and news. I'm just going to lay out my opinion on this one, from my understanding, with completely honest feelings:

It is not plain and simple, things seem to be 'unsure', opinions and interpretation of the BOE's decision clash. We can't know for sure what will happen come spring if the levy returns to the ballot.

The blame can't be placed in one area. The BOE, voters, and government can all be blamed.
          No one person can find one person or group to blame for our current economic situation, but that situation has led to selfishness and struggle, hence our levy. The levy was brought about because there were money problems that needed to be solved, and those similar money problems caused it not to pass.
          Many people voted no simply because they cared about themselves, and not the future: CHILDREN. They just didn't want to pay taxes. The voters should have realized that voting yes could potentially fix money problems and the consequences were not worth saving the small $200-some in extra taxes. The voters created a terrible situation for the BOE, they had to choose cuts, they had their hands tied.
          Choosing fairly is a different story. Programs such as music and PE were cut for the younger students, real people lost their jobs who had just begun their career. There is less learning time and less opportunity for success is available to future students. People who aide the school in so many unrecognized ways lost their job just because of a seemingly unimportant title. The work load is going to be too much for certain positions to handle alone. One person cannot handle the jobs of three. Now my question is where are the higher-level job salary cuts? Where are the BOE salary cuts? I think things could have been a bit more even spread.

Now I have to mention some things so I don't seem uneducated, crazy, hateful, disgruntled, ranting or biased

I admit that I don't know everything about this horrid situation, I may be wrong about some things but I have an opinion and I'd like to express it.
I've done as much research as I can so I know as much as I can about this situation.

I have nothing against BOE, I personally know 2 members and they are wonderful people who have done a lot for me.

I understand this is hard on everyone, I guess I am just discontent. As a hopeful future educator I can't stand to watch this happen to a school district, education is one of the most important things in one's life, without it we are nothing. As a community, we fail without education. I guess I'd just like to see it protected in every subject. This is going to have consequences in the lives of teachers, administrators, citizens and most of all those who don't even have much of a voice in the matter: STUDENTS.

Coincidence? I Think Not

We began our new semester today and it seemed like the longest day of my life. I was completely bored and in a bad mood, yet not. I feel like my mind is filled to the brim with thought. I came home today with one of the biggest headaches I've ever had and I'm just ready to sleep. I highly doubt this is a coincidence. Thoughts definitely give you headaches just as much as physical causes. I am going to go to sleep soon, but I just had to unload some feelings first.

1. I'm sitting in my room shivering as I write this. I can't stand the idea of 0 degrees, let alone experiencing it. I'm listening to my favorite beach music band, Best Coast, and picturing driving around with my windows open with the sun beating down on my skin. I miss summer more than anything right now.

2. Sometimes I forget where I fit in, and it seems to happen to me after long weekends. I spend a lot of my long weekends hanging out with my family and sisters, I talk to different people than I normally do and I have a different agenda. I get back into my routine and find myself with inner conflict. I don't always know just which group I belong to.

3. How is it that some of the people who are the greatest to you can make you really feel like crap. Maybe they just have that leverage to create guilt, or you know just enough about them to be jealous of them. They're close to you so they're in your life enough and you know them well enough to provoke those feelings.

4. I shouldn't be writing now, I have a few things I should already be doing. Homework, practicing, organizing, reading, cleaning. Somehow I convince myself that writing takes precedence over other things. If I am able to reverse that idea I won't be writing as much, I'm sorry but it is for my betterment.

A Day for Thought

I feel like I have thought about anything and everything today. I've reflected on the results of my audition on Saturday, I've been challenged, I've thought about music, I've thought about guys, I've thought about friendships, I've thought about arrogance, I've thought about possibilities, and I've thought about every aspect of my future one could possibly think about. I'm not sure why it has been such a thought provoking day, but I have definitely felt led to reflect and think about things. It has been refreshing and at the same time burdening. A lot has been on my mind, but much of it has been good.

Nothing Really

I'd like to start out this post by thanking The Decemberists for their new album The King Is Dead. It is wonderful and it is putting me in the absolute best mood right now. I highly suggest you download it right now. Regardless of your musical preferences.

There isn't anything in particular I would really like to write about right now. I just feel like writing. We just finished exams and I'm enjoying a night of 'me time' because we don't have school tomorrow. It has been kind of a crazy week with exams and studying accompaied by practicing and preparing for my audition this weekend. Other random things have been tossed into the mix, such as snow storms, getting hit by a bus, and senior pictures. Yeah I said hit by a bus, but it is definately not as bad as it sounds. Well anyway, this 'me time' is well deserved and necesary. It is kind of crazy to think I'll be doing my first audition in short two days. I have been told about the nerves, stress and excitement that comes with these things and it always just seemed so far off. So did senior year, turning 18, graduating and college... But that all is too soon for me to be comfortable with. Handing out senior pictures, although a bit early in the year, has been a strange experience as well.

So the usual topics, I got stress, school and music covered along with some senioritis and nostalgia. I don't really have anyone I'm too interested in to write about, or anyone who is 'significant' Nothing too catastrophic or life-altering has happened recently. Life is just happening, the exact way it is supposed to. A few small suprises here and there, but mostly routine simplistic living. I'm content with this right now. I know if I wish for excitement, trauma is headed my way. I enjoy the relaxation that accompanies routines though, it is a nice break from all the change and stress. Thank you God for the life you've given me, as it unfolds all around.

P.S. random thought, but I LOVE when I go through and spell-check my posts and NOTHING pops up as misspelled, I am so proud of myself right now.

Week 7: Someone you wish you could meet.

Goodness, there is quite the extensive list of people I'd like to meet. I love meeting people and there are so many people I appreciate, admire and have curiosities about. There are also those people who I would like to meet because it would be cool to say I did....

Andrew Bird
Matt Berninger
Albus Dumbledore
John Phillip Sousa
One of the 12 disciples
Zoey Deschanel
Natalie Portman
Christian Bale
Paul Jeanjean
Batman
Joan of Arc
Colin Meloy
Helena Bonham Carter
Glen Miller
J.K. Rowling
President Obama

This group consists of celebrities, leaders of groups I listen to, authors, historical figures, actors, actresses, fictional characters, composers and musicians. They all represent a part of what I love. Music, both listening and playing it. Movies, books, stories, history and government. What a party it would be if these were all included in that guest list. If I ever have that party, I'll invite you all too. Thanks for reading.

The Single Minded Focus

This week is an important one. We have exams to study for, and hopefully pass. I have my first college audition on saturday. I will be practicing constantly, and doing anything I can to prepare myself. I need to get better. I've been sick and continuing to cough, sniff and feel achy all over will hinder me. I thought to myself, what is my one and only goal this week? First the thought came, "To get better!", then I thought, "To pass exams!". Of course the more important one came into mind, "Kick butt on my audition!". I thought further and noted, "Don't over stress!". Ok so the whole one and only goal to focus all energy on idea didn't go so well.... I love to organize, categorize and plan. So I thought, now how can I create a single focus for my week to keep me pepped up and going... Everything can be grouped together under one powerful, exciting and perfect word: Succeed. that is my one and only goal this week is to succeed. I need to get better and not stress out in order to do so. I have multiple things to succeed in, but that is the goal. Bring it on week, I'm taking you down.

Week 6: Your Current Crush

To Whom it may concern,

You're a great guy, you're so incredibly gifted as well. You're going to go far in this world and be amazing at what you do. Your taste in music is spectacular, I feel like anytime we talk about music my horizons are doubled. You're a little bit more outgoing than me, and yet you're quieter than me. I don't get it but you're the perfect balance of fun and chill. I don't know if it will happen, but it would be awesome if we ended up at the same college, I think we'd have fun. I don't know how long this little crush will last, lately they haven't been. But I sorta hope it does. Lets just get through the next few months and see what happens. Maybe we have a future, maybe we don't. Regardless, you've been a great friend.

Exhaustion

I don't know if it is that dreaded return to school from winter break, stress, exams, practicing or a combination of all of that, but I have been exhausted the past week and a half. No matter how much I sleep at night or naps I take, I continue to feel tired and crave sleep. I use the word 'crave' in the most extreme way. There is nothing I want more than to feel rested right now. I honestly look forward to sleeping everyday. I almost want to describe it as aching for relief... I'll let you know when I find it.

Musician's Lull, Like a Writer's Block

As a musician, you will have days where you can play anything, play it fast, expressive and perfect. Why everyday can't be one of those days I don't know, but I'm having the complete opposite today. I've been working on a piece for my auditions and contest for months now, for some reason I can't seem to get a single run, I've hit so many wrong notes it hardly sounds like the same piece and I've reverted back to old habits with rhythms and fingerings. It is so frustrating with my first audition in 14 days and I feel further away from being ready than I did yesterday. What if one of these days happens the day of my audition? I'll be done, I won't get in, let alone get scholarships. These stupid musician's lull days put me in a terrible mood. I could just scream right now.

Week 5: Your Ex-Crush

Ooh, a good old cliche letter, that will be fun. So I am a high school girl, I have liked tons of guys. Time for a list of short anonymous letters? I think so. Let's go with reverse chronological on this one.

1. Ah, you were short lived, probably because of current situations. I only really had feelings for you because of possibility, similar interests, and you led me on.

2. You were just one of those, aw, wouldn't it be nice to date him, sort of deals. You're a cute kid, a nice guy and completely ideal. It's just best we remained friends, plus I don't think you date.

3. Oh goodness, this went on for ages, I am not even going to say it has gone away completely. I just felt like you were the perfect guy for me. I was apparently delusional, yet I could not stay away. I loved spending time with you and talking to you. You're hilarious, smart, and talented. Most of all you were a good friend, I think that was the catch: friend.

4. You're the perfect guy, that is completely it. You are what every girl needs. You're considerate, funny, handsome, endearing, cordial, polite, sociable, smart, talented, you have a great future, you're mature, friendly, a leader, a good listener, you have a good taste in music and you are the ideal guy. You've been my longest crush, and it never really disappears with each new guy, it just gets put into the back of my head because I hardly see you. We should change that.

I could go on longer, but these are the most recent and most important honestly. There will always be a long list, what else would you expect?

Ultimate Comfort

I am big on comfort. Being comfortable is one of my most favorite feelings EVER. My love for comfort probably explains why I love keeping my schedule packed and predictable, and why I hate awkward situations. I am most at peace when I'm comfortable. My favorite way to be comfortable (Which I'm experiencing as I write), is to have the house to myself, listen to some of my favorite indie bands, eat comfort food, put on pajama pants and just think... A lot of time these moments of relaxation and thought turn into my entries. My thoughts just flow with so much ease when I'm comfortable. Maybe it is something to do with the fact that there is nothing demanding my focus when I'm comfortable. I might be having a casual conversation via text or facebook, but otherwise my thoughts have the liberty to wander every which way. I can debrief my day, think about future days or just concepts on my mind. The longer I relax and enjoy comfort, the more developed and in-depth my thoughts grow. Everyone should take some time and by comfortable, it is good for the soul.

Something

There is something...
There is something bothering me and I can't place my finger on it, I can't seem to figure out what it is. There is something that is putting me on edge, making me wonder and worrying me. I just don't know what.
 I have this feeling that something is wrong, something is going to happen, something happened. I have no clue what could be causing this completely irrational feeling. There is nothing extra exciting happening now, recently, or in the near future.
I have to tell myself there is nothing wrong. I can't help but wonder, is this some sort of intuition that something may happen, or did something happen and I subconsciously know about it?
 This feeling completely irks me and I can't push it aside and out of my head.
Maybe something was wrong and I need to go back and think about it. Maybe I have to retrace my mental steps a bit. I'm sure it will take some self-reflection, thinking, and some good music to put my thoughts to rest.

A Brand New Day, Just Like All of the Others

The first entry of the New Year, and I have nothing to write about... I just woke up and have this terrible need to write something. Perhaps it is just in the spirit of new beginnings and such, Everyone else is making resolutions and talking about change, including myself. I already wrote about change. Multiple times even! So why am I drawn to this page with my hands on the keyboard at the ready?

I wrote that top part and took a break... I listened to my current favorite band, The National, and thought for a bit.

I find it interesting that as the sun rises on new years day we look for immediate change, we expect something new and exciting to happen right away. One year ago today I marched in the nations longest famous parade, Pasadena's Tournament of Roses Parade. We played 'A Brand New Day'. It was one of the most exciting and memorable days of my life. I had my big excitement last year. Not every moment of my life is going to be exciting or unexpected. We have to accept the monotony and predictable day-to-day we are all going to have in our lives. Exciting change is good for us, but sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the comfort of the norm. Regardless of the day that is so similar to yesterday and tomorrow, it still is a brand new day. Yeah I did it, I made a lyrical reference, what more would you expect than my comforting predictable way of writing?