Indecision 2011, Update

I am extremely happy that I am done with auditions. Going from school to school each weekend, playing pieces and taking tests was one of the most stressful, tiring and time consuming things I have ever done. Unfortunately the ending of that process leads to the beginning of a new process, that has the potential to be even more stressful. Making the decision.

I've done all a future college students is supposed to do prior to picking their school, and I feel just as far away from a decision as before, if not confused even further. I have loved different things about each school so far, there are very few cons to them. I even did a chart with different categories and ranked each school... All of the scores were too close to make a call. I hate pros and cons lists with these sorts of things. Something that seems like a con can actually be a pro if looked at differently, I would just over-analyze those lists.
I know I can't make a final decision just yet, I am missing one very important component...Scholarships. It has to play a part in my decision, but I just want to make it already! I guess I'll be checking the mail a lot in the next few weeks.

As I've written this and spewed out my feelings on the whole situation, I thought about something. When writing papers I find it best to write it, leave it alone for a day or two and come back and you will notice so many things to edit and improve after taking a break from it. What if I try that with my decision? I've done my chart, what if I try taking a week off of college thinking, and come back to my chart and re look over things. A week would give my feelings about colleges a chance to sink in, as well as some scholarship letters to arrive. Plus, I am done with auditions and it is my birthday this week. Why not relax and have a great time? I think I have earned it.

Boys wear blindfolds, Girls wear glasses

It is an interesting metaphor, and maybe I came up with it out of frustration, but it seems so true. I feel like I and most other girls I know have great people-reading skills and intuition, while with guys it seems like the most obvious things are invisible. This observation could come from the fact that I am an over-analyzer and so in comparison to myself, most boys seem blind to the blatant facts. Its pretty frustrating to constantly drop hints about something, and you want to ask, "Do you not understand how I feel?", but you have to stop and realize, 'no, they don't know how you feel.' No one told them, you hold the missing piece to the puzzle and that's why it seems so obvious to yourself. Because us girls over-analyze and make effort to understand people, we have to be patient and tolerant of those who are not as quick and observant.

Excuses

I am behind, I know that. I rarely post anymore and haven't written a letter in ages... I know I shouldn't be making excuses and all but I'm gonna have to... I need to justify myself.

I have been busy. I am 3/4s of the way through my audition process and decision time is coming too fast. I am not ready to make a decision yet. School is piling up and my schedule is refilling itself from the past empty month.

I have no motivation. I feel completely unmotivated in not only the blog but EVERYTHING. I cannot get myself to get up and do my hair or make myself look nice for school. I cannot get myself to clean my room or do assignment. Senioritis is bad.

I am lazy. Senioritis also does this to you. Sorry.

My Current State of Mind: A Diagnosis

Something got me thinking today, I don't really see what because there is no clear correlation between things said or done that could have provoked it. I could not focus on anything today because my mind was constantly running on self-evaluation mode, the way a computer is so much slower when it is virus scanning or backing up. My brain was going through each idea, thought, event and area of my current life and I was assessing every situation, feeling, possibility and idea. Here is some of the diagnosis brought to my attention.

Senioritis, it is real, it will infect everyone, I have come down with it bad. I never expected myself to be the one counting down the days, constantly saying I cannot wait for college and complaining about how much I dislike high school. I always thought I had a very strong connection with PHSC and I am such a sentimental memory loving person. I used to cry at all of the 'lasts', even when they were not my own. I am straying more and more from this nostalgic state of holding on, I have begun to move on. I strive and hope for bigger and better things. I feel ready, I even long for time and motivation to practice, freedom, music classes and mostly for something new. I think I have grown bored with my current school life.

I long for love. Yes, tomorrow is valentines day and I will most likely post something sappy tomorrow. It is only to be expected. I do not plan on elucidating much on this, but I am lonely. I know I do not need a guy to be happy, because I am happy. I have got my eyes set on some, but I just wish it were easier. No need to console or poke fun at me here. Just a thought.

I need to be more decisive. I am in the midst of making one of the biggest decisions of my life, and I am the most indecisive people I know. I can hardly make a decision as to which top to buy at forever 21, let alone which institution will provide me with the rest of my education and shape who I am as a person and hopefully director. I am ready for the decision to be over with, I am tired of answering the 'Have you chosen your college' question with, 'I do not know yet, I am choosing between _____, ______, ______, and ______. I have not chosen because __________ and I like _______ because of _______' and so on.... I am ready to have made a decision, but I am not ready to actually make the decision.

This is the biggie, and the concept the mostly plagued my thoughts today. I want to throw in a disclaimer as well. I do not want to come off as arrogant or seem as though I feel superior. These are my feelings raw and real, straight from my mind onto paper...well computer screen. I feel that in the past year I have matured a lot. I have grown away from drama, the unimportant high school issues. I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am, and who I want to be. I feel like in the sea of immaturity that surrounds me I do not belong. In just about everything I do, I am one of the oldest of the group. Sometimes, I feel like I get along better with adults than high school students. I am tired of hearing about the latest gossip, who is supposedly fake, and who is calling who fake. I am tired of seeing girls attack each other on facebook about what they heard the other did. I feel like because I moved past that, others should too, but I have to realize that we all mature at different rates and not everyone has learned their lessons. I have also been privileged with a fantastic and speedy upbringing by my parents and those who surround me. I have also been blessed with decent common sense and intelligence which has aided me in becoming more of a young woman and less of a child. I think that is the hard part about growing up at different rates, once you mature, you cannot stand the fact that the person next to you is judgemental, rude, over dramatic and completely immature. With younger sisters that bring their experiences and feelings as freshman to my knowledge, it makes it even more difficult. It produces a window into what I am tired of seeing.

Good Day

I find it funny that I recently wrote a post titled 'bad day'... and then today happened.
I thank the sunshine, the breeze and the temperature. My day began with sunlight filling up my room. I am so tired of the snow and cold, so the weather was a nice pick me up. I also got to talk to a friend today. I would have said an old friend, but the friendship never really ended, we still hang out occasionally, I see them every day, but we have not just talked, the way we used to, in so long. Today we got to, and we talked non stop for nearly two hours. It is only 2:30, there is plenty of time for the day to keep getting better. I am counting on it.

One of few unimportant posts

Every morning I look into my closet and I am bored... I have one cycle of 'go to' outfits I just wear because I can't mix up something new to wear. I have plenty of clothes. I have a lot of pieces that I just haven't been able to find a time to wear, I haven't worn in ages, or I am just not sure what to do with them. I see so many people who wear these outfits that are adorable and I just cannot seem to create something good enough. I have been getting some inspiration from other blogs and websites, which has helped some. I find a big problem to be that I have quite a few pieces that only work in one outfit. I need to get some more generic mix and match pieces that I can wear many different ways. I also need to be more brave, I will try a combination that would look pretty good, but I chicken out because I lack confidence in my fashion sense. I know this is not really a life lesson or value like most of my posts, but It is something I think about. I think I will take a few fashion risks this week.

Bad Day

So, those days when everything goes terribly wrong... Those suck. They especially suck when you were having a perfectly fine day then all of a sudden after the high point, it drops down to every little thing going wrong. I had a great day, I taught a lesson, went to school, had jazz band. Then my day was going wonderfully, I went to Chipotle with some great people and got home and relaxed with my sister. Well my debit card decided it did not want to work, so my friend had to pay for me. Then my phone went insane. It decided to go crazy at the worst of times, when I am out and about and trying to contact people. I now have a total of 4 numbers in the temporary phone. It is so frustrating. Things were going my way and certain things were really looking up, and now I cannot even call my new student or his parents to schedule lessons... I had to vent it was the only way to keep me from crying. Goodbye.

Week 10: Your Dreams

I really am a dreamer, I constantly think, "What if.." and I make up little fantasies and ideas of what I wish was happening. Sometimes it makes my thoughts a little more exciting, other times, it hurts. I think about something happening, and in reality, it never will. I have a few basic dreams or goals for my life. The rest I try and leave up to God, of course with my personality I always have a problem with this. I am a perfectionist and a control freak. I have to be sure in the outcome before I do anything, and I feel like everything needs to be planned out. Well that is a discussion for another post but here are my current 'planned out' dreams.

1. Become a High School Band Director:
This dream motivates me going to college, majoring in music education, and focusing on my music. This dream brings worries, fears, excitement and hope. Hopefully it will define me, in a vocational sense as well as part of my personality.

2. To Get Married:
I am your average girly, high-school, love-struck, gal. What more could you expect, than me wanting to one day find Mr. Right, and become Mrs. Right? It is that happily-ever-after idea that inspires and haunts most girls. Other than wanting it to happen one day, I do not have my dream wedding, home, or guy planned out. I have ideas but I am too young for any of that and I am not THAT girly.

3. To be Successful:
I am a 'failure-a-phobe'. (I know that is not the correct term). This comes from being a perfectionist, but the idea of failure is my worst night mare. I want to be successful as possible. The definition of success isn't too intense for me though. I don't want to the be billionaire with a perfect job, 2.5 kids, and man. Being successful for me looks like being happy with your job, family and experiences as well as being the best follower of Jesus I possibly can. Always striving to improve myself, and working, loving and following to my true potential.

It is a weird thing to think so far into my future, it is nice knowing that it is so far away that the 'decisions' I make in my dreaming as to how things will be aren't set in stone. One can never know about tomorrow, and that is enough spontaneous and un-planned future for me!

Week 9: Someone Who taught you a Suprising Lesson (LATE)

Dear _______,
     Over the past week or so with all the happenings in our school district, I have been discouraged and scared when it comes to my career choice. I was to the point of tears when I thought about dealing with what you are going through. Thanks to you I have been able to learn a valuable lesson, that even though I have been taught it for years it has never stuck until now. I said I was feeling hopeless and you showed me that I should not feel hopeless, but faithful. Faithful that God will lead me to where I need to be and I should not be afraid that by majoring in Music Ed. I am doing the wrong thing, but following my heart and listening to my God. Thank you, for the rest you've given to my worries.

Week 8: The person who gave your favorite tangible gift (LATE)

Dear Mom and Dad,
     I can't really think of which gift is my favorite over the years, but every one that sticks out in my memory is from you. Statistically speaking, that makes sense because a large percentage of the tangible gifts you given me are from you. But that leads me to something else, all of my life lessons, physical attributes and personality traits are basically gifts from you as well. I am extremely thankful for all you have provided me with, both tangible and personal. So for fun here is a list of my most memorable gifts:


Boom Box: This is the earliest gift memories, I was so excited when I got this for my birthday. It began my ability to play the music I wanted to hear and was a representation of becoming a true American teenager; I began to blast my N*Sync and Britney Spears in my room and dance and sing like a crazy fool.

Clarinet: This wasn't Christmas or my Birthday, and technically it was 'school supplies' but I remember when we bought my clarinet I wasn't supposed to use it until school started. I have a confession: Whenever I was home alone that summer I got that clarinet down and played it, well tried. I had the mouthpiece on backwards...Oh how far I have come. Well if you guys had never gotten me that clarinet, I never would have become the musician I am, marched in major national parades, or chosen the career in music I have.

Fuse: This seems like sort of a silly gift, but the fuse to the radio in my car has made my life to and from destinations so much less silent and boring. I was so excited when I got the tiny little plug. It is just one of my favorite gift stories.

Reality Can Be Disappointing

Dreams are great, they provide some entertainment in your unconscious hours, they make you think, they reveal a little bit we do not know about ourselves. The worst part about them is waking up from a good dream. You will have an amazing dream, and in that dream you will be so excited and happy that something happens. Many times this happens and I wake up smiling, then reality sets in. The feeling you get in that moment when you realize, "I was only dreaming, that did not actually happen" is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. What makes it worse is when what happens in your dream is completely possible, you just do not know how to make it happen. It teases you, because you feel like it is so close, but only happens in dreams. Dreams are a common theme in great songs... Here are two quotes:

"...Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in..." - I'm not that girl, Idena Menzel, Wicked.

"...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe..." - Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer.