Something got me thinking today, I don't really see what because there is no clear correlation between things said or done that could have provoked it. I could not focus on anything today because my mind was constantly running on self-evaluation mode, the way a computer is so much slower when it is virus scanning or backing up. My brain was going through each idea, thought, event and area of my current life and I was assessing every situation, feeling, possibility and idea. Here is some of the diagnosis brought to my attention.
Senioritis, it is real, it will infect everyone, I have come down with it bad. I never expected myself to be the one counting down the days, constantly saying I cannot wait for college and complaining about how much I dislike high school. I always thought I had a very strong connection with PHSC and I am such a sentimental memory loving person. I used to cry at all of the 'lasts', even when they were not my own. I am straying more and more from this nostalgic state of holding on, I have begun to move on. I strive and hope for bigger and better things. I feel ready, I even long for time and motivation to practice, freedom, music classes and mostly for something new. I think I have grown bored with my current school life.
I long for love. Yes, tomorrow is valentines day and I will most likely post something sappy tomorrow. It is only to be expected. I do not plan on elucidating much on this, but I am lonely. I know I do not need a guy to be happy, because I am happy. I have got my eyes set on some, but I just wish it were easier. No need to console or poke fun at me here. Just a thought.
I need to be more decisive. I am in the midst of making one of the biggest decisions of my life, and I am the most indecisive people I know. I can hardly make a decision as to which top to buy at forever 21, let alone which institution will provide me with the rest of my education and shape who I am as a person and hopefully director. I am ready for the decision to be over with, I am tired of answering the 'Have you chosen your college' question with, 'I do not know yet, I am choosing between _____, ______, ______, and ______. I have not chosen because __________ and I like _______ because of _______' and so on.... I am ready to have made a decision, but I am not ready to actually make the decision.
This is the biggie, and the concept the mostly plagued my thoughts today. I want to throw in a disclaimer as well. I do not want to come off as arrogant or seem as though I feel superior. These are my feelings raw and real, straight from my mind onto paper...well computer screen. I feel that in the past year I have matured a lot. I have grown away from drama, the unimportant high school issues. I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am, and who I want to be. I feel like in the sea of immaturity that surrounds me I do not belong. In just about everything I do, I am one of the oldest of the group. Sometimes, I feel like I get along better with adults than high school students. I am tired of hearing about the latest gossip, who is supposedly fake, and who is calling who fake. I am tired of seeing girls attack each other on facebook about what they heard the other did. I feel like because I moved past that, others should too, but I have to realize that we all mature at different rates and not everyone has learned their lessons. I have also been privileged with a fantastic and speedy upbringing by my parents and those who surround me. I have also been blessed with decent common sense and intelligence which has aided me in becoming more of a young woman and less of a child. I think that is the hard part about growing up at different rates, once you mature, you cannot stand the fact that the person next to you is judgemental, rude, over dramatic and completely immature. With younger sisters that bring their experiences and feelings as freshman to my knowledge, it makes it even more difficult. It produces a window into what I am tired of seeing.
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