Lost

Sometimes I can be in the most familiar of places and still feel completely lost. Even if I'm surrounded people I know I can't always find exactly where I belong anymore. It used to be quite obvious, I knew exactly who I would go to in a crowd of people. The people I hung out with, had a good time around and were my true friends. Its not that I don't like them anymore. Absolutely not! i just feel as though everything is mixed up and turned around. Everything has drifted apart and I'm left standing in the middle same as I used to be, but not surrounded by close friends. Why or how this happened I don't exactly know. I've lost touch with everyone. Maybe I just need to get out there, return to my old friends or make new and stop my belly-aching... I may have forgotten how.

Inconvenience

Everytime I think to write or have something to say, it is when i don't have time to write or should be doing something else. I have too many deep but invonvenient thoughts... I want to go to sleep right now but just feel the need to write things down and its been a while so I can't keep pushing these back:

People of my age have become so superficial and predictable. I sit at the pool tanning and can hear conversations around me and everything said is just boring and typical. I feel like I've heard it all before. Lets break the mold...

Somedays I just wish I could fall in love and it would be as simple as it was to write that down. I love musicals and almost every one has a wonderful love story. Even the sad ones make me wish I was in love.. I know its stupid because I'm in high school and relationships are absolutely pointless at my age but the idea just sounds so wonderful...

How is it that the people with one bad trait often have others. The bad traits aren't spread out through people, one person just happens to be arrogent, rude, selfish, concieted and terrible all at once... It sucks when you have to deal with that one person for months on end....

That is all.

Short Messages

#1 - I miss you, alot. But you don't even care, and that hurts. It has been a while and I still think about you all of the time... It sucks.
#2 - What made you decide to come out of hiding and start talking to me again? I hope you realize things didn't work out the first time and probably won't this time either, but whatever floats your boat
#3 - I miss who you used to be and the friendship we had. I wish we could hang out more. Hopefully we will, we need to. You've changed alot and we've changed apart. Regardless of who we are now, I still want you as a friend, same as I always have.
#4 - I know we talk alot, both fun and serious. I hope you understand that it is just friendship and nothing more. I like you, just not like that. It would be too awkward. I'm sorry.

Some Summer Thoughts

We're well into the summer months now. Plenty of heat, sun, band and my usual thinking. I thought I'd have some list format fun, mostly due to my lack of orginization in my thoughts right now.

1. This college hunt is thrilling! I'm freaking out even though the choice is far from this time. I'm excited for what lies ahead in the next few years. Colleges do a fantastic job of advertising themselves and this doesn't make my choice any easier but it definately gets me less afraid of the college experience.

2. The whole idea of friends has been rearranged, transformed and turned completely around. My sisters have now entered high school and I've found myself hanging out with them and their younger friends more often. As I've spent lots of time in meetings with the other field commanders, I've become closer to them as well. Those are the good friend transformations, of course there is a yin for every yang... I feel as though I haven't been around my friends who'm I've called my 'group' for the first three years of high school. Some I still talk with and would hang out with soon as the chance is thrown at me, for others it has been made apparent to me that they feel negatively towards me.. I personally don't feel as though I've changed must,  but they must think so... And then there is a friend who I fear sees our friendship through a different light, I wish I could just show them how I feel without hurting any feelings, but I also don't want to draw in any awkwardness of course.

3. I've developed this new love for musicals. I have no clue where it came from. Over the summer my sisters and I have watched many Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals and my mom has decided to start a collection for me to take to college, but picking up musicals on DVD whenever she's at Walmart or Target. She brought home Phantom of the Opera today :) I was so happy.

Missing Your Chance

It is the worst feeling that there is. You miss your chance and as soon as you know it, all the excitement for taking that chance is converted into disappointment and frustration. You wish you could do it all over and take that chance. You think of all the things you could have done differently. You become angry with yourself for missing that chance. Being so close just hurts that much more because you know that things easily could have been different. You become curious as to how things would be if you had taken that chance...Longing for that outcome seems to consume you.

Intense Writer's Block = Thinker's Block

Throughout the past few days I have had this extreme need to write out my feelings and thoughts, but I cannot seem to come up with anything. I know the exact topic of it all; I understand how I feel but only in my head. I cannot put it into words at all. I have had writers block, and just don't know what to write about. This is completely different. It is as though I can hardly make sense of my own thoughts. There is a battle of feeling raging inside of me. I tell myself I need to feel one way and stash away old feelings, but I am human and cannot help it. I wonder things that only make things worse and dream of things happening that destroy all attempts to extinguish silly feelings. Let’s just delete everything in my head and start over. That just seems easier to me.

My Thoughts Could've Inspired Lyrics

One of my good friends got me on this Rascal Flatts/ semi-country kick. It is so strange because before I always expressed my hatred everytime a country song came on, it just so happens that one song explains my thoughts better than I can....

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

There are countless lines in this song that just make me think, "EXACTLY!!" in my mind evertime I hear them through the stereo in my car. That good friend who got me started on this rode home with me yesterday, we both had reasons to just let it out and cry. It was a good cry, it was relieving and she went ahead and put this song on my stereo. It was perfect, I think Rascal Flatts is in my head singing my thoughts back to me. The past few days have been rough. Watching those I've become so close with succeed and leave...Graduation was yesterday, and there a quite a few graduates I'm not certain I will ever see again. You may wonder what that song and graduation have to do with eachother, but I'm just going to leave them together for my own sake, because it hurts, being so close, I really had and still have so much to say, I watched someone walk away and I don't think they saw that what I was trying to do was....well you can assume the rest.

You...

Make me smile
Make me dream
Make me laugh

Cause me to feel pathetic
Cause me to feel younger
Cause me to hope
Cause me to be dissappointed

Make me sad
Make me happy
Make me frustrated

Influence me far too much. I sound like a silly little 12 year old girl with a stupid crush and do not care because that is how I honestly feel. I tell myself a million times over that I need to forget you... I'm too pathetic and cannot. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

I Just Do Not Get It

There are many things I flat out do not understand or simply can't wrap my mind around. Some things are broad ideas, applicable to life, while others are specific happenings or concepts in the present time.

(As a side note, I think I need to find a new form of writing to express my ideas because these lists are getting old.)

1. Organic Chemistry. I have no clue how anyone understands all of the combinations and naming and special rules. It is a good thing that there are smart people in my class. The fact that I will never in life need organic chemistry also helps.
2. Why people automatically think the wrong decisions make you cool. Who decided that putting stuff into your body that could kill you is cool? Where did the idea of 'cool' come from in general?

3. The importance of sports vs. the arts in the eyes of school systems. Why is that schools fund sports more, care about sports more and give them priority over the arts? Sports are hardly beneficial to the students or even the community for that matter. Music, art and theatre do so much more.

4. The inexplicable quality of feelings. When you feel a certain way, often times, you can't explain your reasons for feeling that way. You find yourself falling for someone and there is nothing about them that would ever have hinted that you would before. You cannot pin-point the quality that drew you in, or what kept you admiring them. Maybe this irks me so much because I am a person who likes to have a reason for just about everything and know how things work. For me, simply because is not an answer. Maybe the reason you find yourself hooked on someone is the curriousity of the origin on your feelings in the first place. Once you discover that reason, what if the feeling just disappears?

Rainy Afternoon Thoughts

What is it exactly about rain that makes me think? When I am sitting in my bedroom either on the bed or at my desk and I hear the rain against my window, I begin to think. I do not think the usual thoughts of what I am doing next, or what needs to be done, but thoughts that are deep. Sometimes I reminisce, other times I think about my future. 'How I feel' will also cross my mind quite often when the wind blows. Although the storms are pretty noisy themselves, I will usually add music to the mix. My play-list for the rain consists of Coldplay, Michael Buble, John Mayer and Sara Barreillis to name a few. It is so nice to relax and just think during these times of mental content in the midst of atmospherically chaos. It can really open your eyes to ideas you had never thought of before. Intense negative feelings can be alleviated while the good ones are just intensified. The drive and fire in you can be stoked and can truly be beneficial. Painful thoughts and bad memories can be smothered by the relaxation brought on by nature's very own storm therapy. Bring on the wind, rain, thunder and lightning. I want my mind to keep going.