Memory

I know I have sort of written on the subject of memory, but more connected to the sense of smell. However, I want to write again, because memories are such a fascinating idea and seem to play a big part in my thinking and life.

Being home after living at school for a year is almost stranger than living alone for the first time. Sure, I know I came home on occasion throughout the school year, but now that I have been home for a few weeks, I have noticed memories popping up more and more. I have found that nearly every place I am has a significant memory linked to it. I can remember conversations I had at certain restaurants, special moments by a certain tree, events at people's houses, there are even moments of sadness or pain I can remember where I feel uncomfortable being somewhere. The fact that my life is completely different, and yet I am back to living in places of memories but not living life the way I was when those memories took place creates an odd feeling for me. Even now sitting in my bed late at night writing on the laptop, because I am writing a blog and not having conversations on Skype as I remember doing so many times just about a year ago seems strange to me.

Now, I have a very good memory, I remember so many details, so memories are very vivid to me. The thing about these memories, because they are so clear in my mind, is that I miss all of them. I miss the silly unimportant things said, the deep conversations, the parties, and even the bad ones. I think this is a sign that I lived and still live a blessed life. If I even miss bad memories because they were part of a good life as a whole, that is proof that God has blessed me with a great life, and continues to do so every day.

Through being home and having so many memories brought up I have begun to do some exploring of those memories and life throughout the past two years or so. It has led me to come to conclusions about things that were nothing but confusion then. I have been able to really come to a place of understanding and peace about so many different things that I had experienced. It has been the most freeing thing for me. I was able to come through to this state of mind through writing. I sat down one day and just decided to relive and document my current reactions to my life for the past two years or so. It was magnificent how it flowed effortlessly. Things that had confused me and left me lost for words before were plain and simple to me. I had been praying for peace as things had been resting heavy on my heart and God gave that to me through a talent and activity I enjoy, and with how I feel right now as a result I do not know if I have ever been so thankful. God Is So Good.

How Bad Days Work

I cannot write that I have figured out the secret of bad days for everyone, bad days are different all of the time, but I may have figured out something that is a core problem that causes my bad days.

Satan is sneaky, conniving and terrible. But that is not a revelation at all, but this explains how Satan turns something into a bad day. We have all had days where we are upset about something and everything else seems to go terribly and we become upset about so much more than just this one thing. See, when we are happy, we rarely find ourselves weak, and Satan usually cannot have the affect he does on us when we are weak. When something is bothering us, or we are upset over something, we become emotionally weak. This is the moment that Satan is able to weasel his way into our thoughts and start to push us down about the first thing, and move on to other areas of life that have nothing to do with the first problem. Suddenly we find ourselves thinking negatively about everything and in this terrible mood that ruins the rest of our day.

This seems more likely to happen when we dwell on something, makes sense, Satan has more time to sneak in. So a possible solution, which seems obvious yet we rarely ever go by this: Go to God FIRST. Do not wait and let yourself worry or become more upset, this only allows for Satan to get you down. God is comfort and strength and going to Him in prayer, worship or His word should be the first step, not a resort taken later when things get worse.

I am Hungry

I just ate lunch, so I am not hungry in the sense that I want food right now, do not worry, I would never write something that boring.

I am hungry in the sense that I desire something more, something new. I wrote in an earlier post about my "dream list" and one of the things on that list was to do something spontaneous, go on an adventure or travel. That is exactly what I want to do. I have spent the first two weeks of my summer just working and when I am not, I am hanging around the house doing nothing. I enjoy having money that I make and being able to relax, but I am getting bored. I want to meet new people, do something new, make memories, and have a story to tell. I know it sounds like an easily solved problem, "just plan something" right? I do not know what I would plan, there are so many things I could do.

So, those of you reading, I want you to get involved. What is an adventure I could embark on this summer? 

Afflicted by a Greedy Culture.

We all know and say that our culture is one of greed, and we all know and say that we have been made somewhat greedy people about it. We also do not really do anything about it, but that is also not my point. My point is how this greedy culture affects us and the unexpected places it shows up.

It seems that for most of us, we always want more. It is not just more stuff, or more money. (That would be far to obvious an observation). We want better jobs, we want to make all the auditions, more relationships, and really we just want more and more "success". This success, however, is a very worldly and superficial success.
 Now I can go a step further with this and say that when we lose, sacrifice, or miss something we once had, we continue to miss it and feel empty in that area until it is replaced with something better. This does not just have to be the job you had, or a relationship but simply the way you used to live, the groups you used to be involved in. For me, I do not stop missing the marching tigers and being a part of that band because I frankly have not found a better replacement. I am in a marching band, it is not that much worse than the marching tigers but it is not an experience worthy of replacing that one. As for relationships, I will not stop missing my best friend unless I were to find a better relationship, and that one is not possible.
That could be the reason people are so much more missed than anything else, is because they are so unique that finding a better replacement is nearly impossible. This idea might be why girls in high school go from guy to guy to guy, they cannot leave that place in their life empty and they are always looking for  the next best thing. Leaving that unique human spot in one's life is harder than groups, places, or things.

I have heard that one should not complain about a problem without also suggesting a solution, and while I am not complaining this post seems half-done without a proposal of some sort. Now, I am not saying that all of this is because of a greedy culture, as humans we crave relationships, and involvement etc. And we become attached to things, but it is the need to solve problems by replacing the old with "better" things. Perhaps the way things need to be looked at is, it is time for something completely different. That part of your life has come and gone, and now it is time for something different. You do not have to one-up your past. Life is not one uphill climb on some graph of all areas of your life. For instance, I had a great marching band in high school, and now it is time to be in a more laid back group so I can focus on other things. I will still miss the marching tigers, but I will no longer have this need to replace them. As for relationships, If someone was that good of a friend to you, it is an insult to try and replace them with something better, that does not mean you cannot make new really great friends, even new best friends, but thinking about it as a replacement is wrong. People who jump from relationship to relationship just thinking that they cannot be single for more than a week and must move on to the next best thing are just wasting their time. All of these things are nice to have, friends, groups, jobs, etc. but if a hole cannot be filled, with Jesus in your life there is never an empty part of your life. Even if it seems that way, it should not matter to the point where you are doing anything you can just to have a significant other, job, etc. But allowing it to come when God decides that it is the proper time.

So to sum up, there is sort of a first aid kit to avoid a lifestyle afflicted by greedy culture: God to keep the lifestyle "immune system strong", Faith in God and his timing and patience to sterilize and keep away the "need to replace" germs away.

Reassured

I am NOT a morning person. Anyone who knows me understands that I do not function well in the early hours, I do not say much at all, and I am usually not the friendliest person either. This also worsens as I get less and less sleep. If I go to work tired, I hate it so much more. If I go to class tired I can hardly pay attention. Although, there are several times where I do fine on little-to-no sleep, and even feel rejuvenated. Really it makes sense.

1. I can actually do some great rehearsing when I am tired, it wakes me up and I love it no matter how tired and awake I am.
2. I can show up to church and as soon as the congregation starts praising I am right awake again (assuming it is one of my two "home" churches and not something on the more traditional side)
3. I can also show up to church and work in childcare, and somehow being with kids wakes me up and I just have this energy.
4. Same goes for when I was working in my placements in different classrooms for my education degree. I could be exhausted from exams and rehearsals, but I was easily able to have the energy to handle and work with kids.

This is such a great reassurance, because if those are the things that give me energy, and the things I truly have passion for, I KNOW I am headed in the right direction. Everyone always wonders, how will I know I am doing what God wants me to be doing? I think the fact that I find rejuvenation in all of these things could be God reassuring me that I am doing what I should. It is such a good feeling.

The Inner Workings of an Artificial Family

Wow! Fancy scientific sounding title! Too bad it is not really scientific. I could have called this "The Inner Workings of a Family", but I am not talking about a biological family so I put artificial. Anyway, enough analyzing my title.

In my high school band, the year is always ended with a senior concert. It is LONG night full of music, awards, solos, hugs, speeches, and many tears. This is because after four plus years of being together in something much bigger than the self it is time to say goodbye and make way for younger ones to receive the wonderful experience of being in this band.

 As of last night I have experienced this from three different perspectives: Being left behind by seniors, leaving behind those younger than me, and now observing it as a whole. It is a crazy concept to see where on the spectrum each of those perspectives lie. As a younger band member watching those before you leave is difficult and gets worse with each year as you get closer to people and they leave. Once you are the one doing the leaving you get mixed reactions, some are tired and ready to go. Some of the seniors have found peace and accept it, others (and these seem to be the ones with the most passion and connection with the group) feel the very pain of being ripped away by time, and it shows in their faces and tears. Of all my experiences of this concert this had to be the weirdest. Sure, knowing I would never return was pretty weird, but to look on the sadness and remember it, but not quite understand it all for the first time felt so strange. I will not say I was not sad, I do not think there will ever come a day that I do not miss being a part of that band.

 But after the sort of out-of-place strange feelings of last night I did a lot of thinking. I came up with some conclusions about the band that I already knew to be true:
We are a family and every single member always will be, it is like in a biological family, just because someone has moved away or even passed on does not make them any less a member.
The cycle of old family members moving on to other places and new ones coming in is always going, and never gets easier. This cycle is just eventually accepted after a member experiences being a new member of the family, living within the family and moving on. It is the last step where I think they really get it, the cycle is no longer surreal to them.
Families really do take care of one another and this is not the same. You can see it in the condolences given to each other last night. This fact really holds this group together at times. After older members leave, younger members step up to take care of those the older members cannot. I truly saw this first hand. As a senior last year my two little sisters where freshman, new to this band and just beginning their experience. They were sad when I left, but being my sisters knew that this was not the end at all. They seemed much sadder this year, at first this puzzled me but when I realized what had happened I was so thankful. This next senior class stepped in and took care of my little sisters when I could not. Being away at school I could not be there any time they needed someone to talk to, or someone to laugh with. But I owe a thank you to so many members of this senior class for being what I could not for them. It is so obvious how much love you have shown my sisters because it reflects back through how much they obviously love you all.

This is the comforting fact about families, as the cycle goes on, everyone is still cared for, and caring for others, this is a cycle within itself. With out this passing of care, we would not be a family, and if we were not a family, no one would be cared for. Above all else, that is what a family must remember and strive to do to keep a legacy going.

Writing

Aha! The vicious cycle continues.

Although, I just turned in my last paper and only have one final left until summer, meaning I will have much more free time. Now if only that means much more inspiration.

I have not written lately as finals, performances, and many other time-consuming activities have been upon me. I cannot blame my lack of posts just on time constraints, but I also just have not had much to write about. My mind has been on my work, the pile-up of work, the stress of work, when I am going to do my work, when I will have time to think about when I am going to do my work etc. I would bet that is not what any readers would want to hear about here.

As I said, I just turned in my last paper. This paper was a "Final" Teaching Philosophy for my Education 1600 class. I have written many papers in the last week, that I have procrastinated and had to force myself to write, but this one came easy. I do not have any exams today and I could have easily slept in, but I got myself out of bed at 9:00am and flew right through that paper without a bit of writers block. This seems like an obvious observation, but when I am writing about something I love, I can write and write for hours without delay, and I love to write about it. The more passion I have for something the easier it is to write about. (That must've been why my Heart of Darkness essay took me so long yesterday!).

Writing about my personal thoughts on teaching as a future teacher gets me so excited about my future. Even now, after I have finished and submitted the assignment, I can still feel the passion and excitement flowing from me. I feel as though I could discuss educational philosophy for hours. I won't do that though, I have other assignments to complete. But I just felt the need to share...

I am pumped and ready to prepare to be a teacher, and even more passionate about being one, so look out future students, I am coming and I am coming with a ***fire within me.

***(Ha! Musical lyric plug!)

List of Dreams

The other day in class (I know I should have been paying attention), I jotted down a list of things that I want. There were big things that are long term goals and simple things that would just be nice. It seems that some of them were inspired (thanks to Pinterest probably!) recently or are life goals that make me who I am. I figured I would post  a list of 10 of these things and explore the "whys" of each thing.

1. To be a band director.

2. To travel somewhere amazing.

3. To grow my hair out (and dye it something fun too!).

4. To go on an adventure.

5. To re-design my wardrobe.

6. To fall in love.

6.5. To get married.

7. To plan something big.

8. To partake in a new experience.

9. To laugh harder than I ever have.

10. To follow God with all my mind, body, soul, heart and life.

1. I want to be a band director. That is why I am studying music education. That is what drives me each and every day in my school work. I want to be a band director, because I love music and I love to teach, but most of all, I have found that a student's band director is someone who knows them more than most teachers and can be a personal and influential relationship for students, at a very critical point in their lives. Having the opportunity to help young musicians grow and be guidance in their lives is such a fulfilling idea to me. 

2.  This is a Pinterest inspired one for sure. Living in Ohio, there are a few exciting things to see, and I have visited other extraordinary sights such as New York City, Pasedena, Niagra Falls, beaches and caves. I really would love to travel to somewhere extremely foreign and different, where I could see something worth marveling at. Whether it be something God made, or blessed someone with the ability to make, I do not have a preference. I simply want to go somewhere once in a lifetime.

3. I have always had medium length or short hair. My hair is now the longest it has ever been, and I do not want to start that process over again. I really like the care-free look of long hair and seeing as I need to start looking professional in a few years, I would like to use this time to do more fun things with my hair. It'll be a nice change. I would also like to dye it in an ombre style. (Darker at roots and fades to a lighter color at tips). 

4. An adventure does not have to be some long grand thing. While that would be amazing, even an afternoon adventure would be nice. Life in a routine can get boring, and we all need to change it up sometimes with an adventure. Spontaneity is good for everyone! Whether it be getting lost during a car ride, a road trip, or a crazy night of fun; a little adventure is what I need!

5. Thank you Pinterest... There are times where I am not so sure of trends, but right now I LOVE the style that is in. With coral, pastels, and nude tones being the colors, and lots of flowing materials there are so many possibilities. I like the way I dress, but I want to spice it up some. I think it is time to try some new things. I do not even have to spend money to do so, I can simply try a new combination of what I already own. I also need to start thinking about dressing more professionally for jobs and student teaching; that leaves more new things to try and figure out.

6/6.5. I'm tackling these two together.. Okay, I am a girl, of course I want to fall in love. I watch sappy love story movies and of course I want to experience something like that. At the same time, I am a firm believer in REALITY and know that it will most likely, probably, 99.99999% NOT happen like it does in movies, but still. I do not believe I have ever been "in love" or truly loved anyone but friends and family. Now I put falling in love and marriage separately. Disclaimer: I do not believe you can have one without the other. You cannot marry someone you do not love. The reason they are separate on my list, I think you can experience love for someone and end up not marrying them, because even then you are growing as a relational person and that can lead you to and prepare you for the person God has set for you to marry. I do want to get married, while I am not the overly "lovey-dovey" type, that is a part of my dream future. I pray for the man God has for me all the time. But as for this, I am extremely patient. It is NOT my time.

7. I love to plan and organize. I get a thrill from the stress of pulling everything together by a deadline. I love seeing all the work I put into something end in something great. I love to plan get togethers, parties, and other events. I would love to do that again sometime soon.

8. I guess this is sort of cheating, a new experience really is an adventure. I just want to try something new, whether it be a hobby, activity, group, or life milestone. No one suggest sky diving, I refuse to try that one. (I guess I should not be picky....).

9. Before you assume I am depressed and do not laugh or even smile anymore, let me say, you are wrong. I just made the observation that I have not laughed as often as I used to or as hard as I used to. I can remember in high school laughing till I cried on nearly a daily basis. I miss that and I think laughing and having a good time is important to one's happiness!

10. This is the one goal on this list, or any list ever that I refuse to go without. This is the one goal and desire that I shape my life around and wish to truly motivate every decision and action with. While this is not the case 100% of the time, I hope to make it that way. I am called to make it that way. My God is the greatest thing in my life and the greatest thing that ever will be. He is the reason I am able to do anything to better my life, and only He can say whether 1-9 on the list are going to happen. And that is really the thing that this post is all about. I want for all these things to be a part of my life, but I do not have any say if these are in the plan He has for me. Only God knows. One thing I can do to make that "Ok" is to strengthen my faith and find comfort in that I do not need to worry about whether an adventure is in His plan or not, because my God has my best interest at heart.

"Thank you God for taking care of me and my life. I need your powerful strength to trust in you plan for me, and comfort in you to keep worry away. You are the one who has made it possible for me to dream for these things, You are the one who has to power to bless me with them, or take them away. I wish to endure and grow in what you have in store. Amen."

Message from my Mirror

I am a fan of fashion, and looking good. Before all you male readers groan and leave the page... I am not going to discuss the latest trends in high-low skirts and sheer button-downs. As a matter of fact, this is a good post for those of you wishing to understand girls! I get asked this all the time, especially by guys. "Why do you WASTE so much time getting ready?", "Why do you feel the need to dress up so much?" and "Who are you trying to impress?". I am not offended by these, because we cannot expect you to completely understand, it really is a girl thing. (usually). Well I can simply answer these questions. While there are girls who are trying to impress people and attract guys (not a good plan if you are using your clothes or lack-there-of rather than your personality), and those who are trying to impress each other, (also ridiculous, but hard to avoid), many girls dress for themselves. Girls like to feel good about themselves, and absolutely love to feel confident, just as guys do. Unfortunately for us, being good at a video game, winning a sports event, or being able to bench a certain amount does not always cut it for us. For me, looking good and piecing together just the right outfit and doing my hair to look good is what gives me confidence. Sure, I do find confidence in bigger things; I find it in school work, my talent, and especially my God. Looking good is more of a confidence for the day, a short term confidence. For me, I feel better when I look better. Fashion also provides other things for me: A creative outlet, a hobby, and some fun! Trying out new trends and styles is fun and opens new doors for people, and it is fun to piece together a new outfit and make something of a bunch of random clothing items and accessories. So now, before you assume a girl is dressed a certain way to impress others or attract attention, think again she could be exercising her creative side, or boosting her confidence.