Awkward...

So many times we have these moments where one word, said in a drawn out high pitched tone, "Awwwkwaaard...."
I personally hate these uncomfortable situations. I do anything to avoid them, dread the inevitable ones and when they happen I hastily attempt to end them and generally, this causes more discomfort. Awkward greetings with those you know somewhat well, but not well enough to have a good full conversation with. That repetitive question that I am asked every time someone realizes or discovers I am a senior in high school... "Have you made your decision yet?" Every time I have to answer with the long answer of my four possible schools, why I haven't made my decision, when I will make my decision, What is my top choice. Why is it my top choice. Then there are those awkward situations that come up out of the blue. Something unexpected is said and you have no response. The way people feel is contradicting. I get uncomfortable just thinking about possible situations. Maybe just getting out of my comfort zone more and more I'll eventually become immune to the discomfort of awkward situations. Or perhaps it is just a personality quirk I'll have to suck it up and live with, or embrace even. Just a quick thought on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas readers. Thanks for reading.

Week 3: The Friendliest Person you only Knew for a Short Time

So there is a group of girls that I met one week, We all instantly became amazing friends and had an amazing time, while most of never expected to. I miss them all so incredibly dearly. Buckeye Girls State was awesome thanks to these girls:

Dear Abby, Ashley, Brooke, Bre, and Sarah,
I miss you all so much! Thanks to you guys I turned what expected to be a miserable time into one of the best weeks of my life. I have never laughed harder about so many silly things. I'll try and attempt a list worthy of being called our insiders:

-Brooke's look.
-My glare
-Pudding
-slushies
-Don't treat us like dogs.....you know the rest.
-Piano songs in the lobby.
-Hyphen
-Superheroes
-Imma lead em on a high speed chase.
-YEAH!
-Brooke should be in choir.
- "Guyssss!" - abby
- Frank, Tom, Govna, LLoyd, Leslie, bubbles, Minnie, Muscles
-CHOCOLATE MILK
-Prostitution.
-BSD
-The infamous kick.
- Clarinet beat boxing.
- Titanium Falcon
- Hitler
- Special late night bathroom time.
- Singing in the shower

You are each such amazing, unique, personable, friendly, hilarious, smart wonderful girls and I am so thankful to have met you that week. I hope that we will someday meet again.

Reminded of my Blessings

Today I traveled with our school's Chorale to the Nationwide Columbus Children's Hospital. Kids were wheeled down in chairs or on mobile beds, followed by the IV's and machines their frail bodies were attached to. Some of their faces were smiling, although you could still see the exhaustion and sickness. Other faces looked tired, defeated and worn. There were sleigh bells handed out by some of the staff and the kids happily jingled away throughout the show and many clapped along to the songs. There were some who could that even got up and danced, although held back by injuries and tubes. Each show at a hospital or school is ended with the song 'Because it's Christmas'. Some of the lyrics include:

"Tonight belongs to all the children, Tonight their joy rings through the air

And so we send our tender blessings, To all the children everywhere

To see the smiles and hear the laughter, A time to give, A time to share

Because it's Christmas, For now and forever

For all of the children, And for the children in us all"

As the chorale beautifully sang these lyrics to audience members, many of them teared up and my heart was struck. I was reminded of how truly blessed I really am to be healthy and have the life that I do. My life has been filled with opportunity and blessings, much more than most. The places I've gotten the chance to go, the achievements I've made, the good health I have, the family who have been healthy and happy, the friends who have been put into my life, and I'm now working to get to college and make my career goals come true. Some of those children may never get to do any of that, there are some who won't even make it to Christmas this year and yet they are joyful about getting to be dressed up and sung to. I cried today, I cried for the kids who broke my heart, and because I am so happy and thankful to be blessed.

Week 2: A Letter to the last person you kissed.

Oh awkwardness, how you love to follow me. I am so not putting any specific names in this letter.

Dear...(oh what to put here) Boy,
     I'm not really sure what to write to you, we haven't talked in ages so perhaps I'll say, "Hi, how are you, how's life, what's new?" Um, yeah you are the last guy I kissed, congratulations? Ha. You're probably not going to read this so I guess I'll just put it out there that it was new years eve and that really didn't mean much at all. Sorry. Our few months of talking were kind of pointless too. You'll find a nice girl your age, you're a sweet guy.

Well that was highly awkward and is an exact replica of how awkward a conversation would've been with this kid. (see, I said some of these letters would be fun!)

Social Surrender

I. Give. Up.

My academic life is pretty good. My grades are going up. As a musician, I am improving and I have many musical experiences ahead of me. Its exciting stuff. Well, that's my cup half full view...

Now lets take a look at how I really feel. Socially, my life isn't so great right now. I have friends that I have a great time with in school, or at band. Outside of school? Nope. My friends each have their groups whether its through a school group or through weekend social events, they've got their groups. I sometimes think that I'm the boring kill joy no one wants to invite. That's probably blowing things out of proportion, but I just needed to get some of those feelings out. I also think sometimes I only find myself interested in someone because they express interest in me. As soon as they seem to lose interest I give up on pursuing that person. (sounds conceited...oh great..)

So we've looked at the positive and the negative, lets do some learning. I think that we all go through up and down phases in each area of our lives and that gives us a time to truly focus on the other aspects of our life. I think this could definitely be a time for me to forget about climbing the socialite ladder and focus on my auditions, talent, grades and future. Sure I can be a negative Nancy at times but I'll find the lesson in it eventually.

Week 1: A letter to your best friend(s)

I consider multiple people my best friends. They are each my best friend for a different reason. Here we go...

#1 Miss Riana Upton, the oldest friend.
    Riana, you have done everything a friend could ever ask for and more. You are understanding, fun, helpful, hilarious, loving, witty, full of advice and beauty. I couldn't be more thankful to have you in my life for the past going on 9 years. I couldn't imagine life without you. Most of my greatest memories are with you. I've also learned in the past year that you are a forgiving friend, I really appreciate that. We've had our differences (took us long enough, we've never disagreed!) but that has made very little difference in our friendship. I think that exemplifies how true our friendship is.

#2 Miss Megan Payne, the friend I am most like.
        Melon twin, we are so much alike, which is why I think we clicked and became friends so easily and in such a short time. You are so freaking smart. You help me with everything from school to other friends to advice on situations. You even support me with advice when I don't even ask for it. I am so thankful to have a friend that I feel like I can let speak into my life the way you do. Goodness you are hilarious and I don't think I've ever had a terrible time with you.

#3 Miss Janaya Jones, the friend I cannot describe how much she means to me.
     Janaya, I can't exactly give you a label, because I can't think of a reason for the beginning of our friendship. It just, happened. Without explanation we grew so incredibly close and remain that way. Perhaps your label should be: the friend who shares the same dream. That's because we're both musicians, we have that performer's personality and passion for the arts, we both aspire for the same colleges and similar career paths. Dreams are important to people so when friends dreams are similar it makes them closer. I can tell you anything and you too like Riana are a forgiving friend. Thank you.

#4 Mr. Andrew Kovaleski, my most recent friend.
     Andrew, Andrew... What would I do without our daily 'debriefing's and your stress management. We've talked so much in the past year that you've really become an amazing friend. You have this talent where you can read my texts and instantly know how I feel. You are like my personal psychiatrist. I talk out almost all of my problems out with you. Thanks.

A Time for Change

Change affects us all the time. Each of us is constantly changing, mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything around us changes, the people we love change, the things we do change. Routines are also a part of life, and we become so accustomed to those routines that change bothers us. I am a routine, planned out, structured person so I personally am not a fan of too much change. As a senior in high school changes are huge. I'm ending the chapter of my life we like to call childhood. I'm ending the chapter of home. I'm ending the chapter of dependency. I'm ending the chapter of all that has been familiar to me for the past twelve years. That right there, is a lot of change. The people around me are discovering who they are and deciding where they will go, we're all headed different directions, thus changing who we will be around. I find comfort in my day to day, my family, my friends, my school, my church, my life. I'm going to have to leave that comfort and accept that in order to embrace the change. My days in high school are numbered, and so in the spirit of change, I'm starting a project. From now until Graduation day is 30 weeks. I am going to write one letter a week. Some letters will be fun, others will be hard. They will all be though provoking. I will continue to write as I do especially about my adventures of auditions, my college choices, friends and the other usual subjects, But I want to change up my focus on this blog and have a guideline to write.

Dwelling on the Past

I believe it is a good thing to think about the past. You learn from the past to help you understand the present. You learn from mistakes and success. The past also hold memories both good and bad. Dwelling on the past sounds like a good thing right? Wrong.
When I have lots of free time where I'm just relaxing, my mind often wanders all over the place. Often times it will travel back, to memories and feelings of long ago. There are situations I remember where the effects still last today, and feelings though not as terrible I still see in others now. Somehow a lot of the same feelings come back. I found myself extremely angry last night as I thought about certain things and people who have upset me so much. Things are better nowadays between thee people but I still see a little bit of what used to be in them, so I became angry. I had to tell myself that that was weeks ago, or months ago, or in some case at least a year ago. Maybe some of these things I still feel went unjustly, and I have no closure? Something from months ago shouldn't still anger me. I really should just move on and not think about it anymore. Whatever happened to turning bad situations into something "we'll all laugh about someday"? Ha, I noticed I even wrote a blog about moving on after being wronged. So yeah, months later it is the hard thing to do,  but by not doing it, it is negatively affecting me. Hm. Lesson learned even this much later.

Turning in the memories.

I knew this day would come. I knew I would be upset. You would think that would prepare me. There is nothing that could have prepared me for tonight's game. The game ended, we played the fight song one last time. We proceeded to march out of the stadium to the cadence we all had grown to know. I could not fight the tears and honestly did not even want to. I and the other seniors marched as PHSC Tigers for the last time. We marched with our family for the last time. I know that I will forever be involved in marching bands, so I am not upset because marching band is over. I am sad because it is my family that I am leaving. Once we got back to the school we were asked to turn in our uniforms. There were some that took it off and hugged it, holding it close, smelling the familiar smell and cherishing the representation of the memories and accomplishments made in those purple jackets and pants. We weren't just turning in some pieces of clothing we turned in our memories. I know that all the thoughts of what has happened in the last four years of being the the PHSC marching band were going through the head of each senior. There has been so much in the past four years. We've marched in major parades, made friends, made enemies, fallen in love, broken up, played our hearts out, experienced heartbreak and bad times as well as triumphant moments and major success. I don't know if the average high school student experiences the amount of things we did in the past four years. There is not a moment I would ever throw away or a person I will ever forget. Everyone means so much to me and that is why I am upset. I'll be cheesy and steal a Disney line:

 "Ohana means family, family means nobody is left behind."

 As a family we are not graduating and leaving others behind. We will always remain in a special place in eachothers' hearts. I know there is a purple paw print on each of our hearts.

Pickerington Central

High School

Marching Tiger Band

  2007-2011

Times For Thinking

Thinking is obviously an important thing. We do it constantly whether we like it or not. Thinking times, what I am referring to, are those times where you find yourself in deep, contemplative thought. I found my self in one of those moments this evening. It could have been because of the lack of sleep, mass amounts of caffeine in my system or simply because I am alone. When these moments arise, I feel immersed in ideas and feelings and sometimes its just so much at once, I don't actually get anything done in my head. I tend to analyze my feelings over the past few days and decide to change them if I find them daunting or unnecessary. I think of what I need to do in the near future, internal and literal. I wonder, I plot, and I even scheme. Never to actually follow through with most of it usually. Sometimes my thoughts leave me feeling content and other times I feel confused. There are often times where my reflective moments leave me with emotions running high, both good and bad. I think these moments are good for me. I keep myself so incredibly busy that having a quiet moment only broken by the sound of music is a relief for me and a way to debrief. Reflective moments provide a relaxation technique, organization and preparation in my life.