I really am a dreamer, I constantly think, "What if.." and I make up little fantasies and ideas of what I wish was happening. Sometimes it makes my thoughts a little more exciting, other times, it hurts. I think about something happening, and in reality, it never will. I have a few basic dreams or goals for my life. The rest I try and leave up to God, of course with my personality I always have a problem with this. I am a perfectionist and a control freak. I have to be sure in the outcome before I do anything, and I feel like everything needs to be planned out. Well that is a discussion for another post but here are my current 'planned out' dreams.
1. Become a High School Band Director:
This dream motivates me going to college, majoring in music education, and focusing on my music. This dream brings worries, fears, excitement and hope. Hopefully it will define me, in a vocational sense as well as part of my personality.
2. To Get Married:
I am your average girly, high-school, love-struck, gal. What more could you expect, than me wanting to one day find Mr. Right, and become Mrs. Right? It is that happily-ever-after idea that inspires and haunts most girls. Other than wanting it to happen one day, I do not have my dream wedding, home, or guy planned out. I have ideas but I am too young for any of that and I am not THAT girly.
3. To be Successful:
I am a 'failure-a-phobe'. (I know that is not the correct term). This comes from being a perfectionist, but the idea of failure is my worst night mare. I want to be successful as possible. The definition of success isn't too intense for me though. I don't want to the be billionaire with a perfect job, 2.5 kids, and man. Being successful for me looks like being happy with your job, family and experiences as well as being the best follower of Jesus I possibly can. Always striving to improve myself, and working, loving and following to my true potential.
It is a weird thing to think so far into my future, it is nice knowing that it is so far away that the 'decisions' I make in my dreaming as to how things will be aren't set in stone. One can never know about tomorrow, and that is enough spontaneous and un-planned future for me!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Week 9: Someone Who taught you a Suprising Lesson (LATE)
Dear _______,
Over the past week or so with all the happenings in our school district, I have been discouraged and scared when it comes to my career choice. I was to the point of tears when I thought about dealing with what you are going through. Thanks to you I have been able to learn a valuable lesson, that even though I have been taught it for years it has never stuck until now. I said I was feeling hopeless and you showed me that I should not feel hopeless, but faithful. Faithful that God will lead me to where I need to be and I should not be afraid that by majoring in Music Ed. I am doing the wrong thing, but following my heart and listening to my God. Thank you, for the rest you've given to my worries.
Over the past week or so with all the happenings in our school district, I have been discouraged and scared when it comes to my career choice. I was to the point of tears when I thought about dealing with what you are going through. Thanks to you I have been able to learn a valuable lesson, that even though I have been taught it for years it has never stuck until now. I said I was feeling hopeless and you showed me that I should not feel hopeless, but faithful. Faithful that God will lead me to where I need to be and I should not be afraid that by majoring in Music Ed. I am doing the wrong thing, but following my heart and listening to my God. Thank you, for the rest you've given to my worries.
Week 8: The person who gave your favorite tangible gift (LATE)
Dear Mom and Dad,
I can't really think of which gift is my favorite over the years, but every one that sticks out in my memory is from you. Statistically speaking, that makes sense because a large percentage of the tangible gifts you given me are from you. But that leads me to something else, all of my life lessons, physical attributes and personality traits are basically gifts from you as well. I am extremely thankful for all you have provided me with, both tangible and personal. So for fun here is a list of my most memorable gifts:
Boom Box: This is the earliest gift memories, I was so excited when I got this for my birthday. It began my ability to play the music I wanted to hear and was a representation of becoming a true American teenager; I began to blast my N*Sync and Britney Spears in my room and dance and sing like a crazy fool.
Clarinet: This wasn't Christmas or my Birthday, and technically it was 'school supplies' but I remember when we bought my clarinet I wasn't supposed to use it until school started. I have a confession: Whenever I was home alone that summer I got that clarinet down and played it, well tried. I had the mouthpiece on backwards...Oh how far I have come. Well if you guys had never gotten me that clarinet, I never would have become the musician I am, marched in major national parades, or chosen the career in music I have.
Fuse: This seems like sort of a silly gift, but the fuse to the radio in my car has made my life to and from destinations so much less silent and boring. I was so excited when I got the tiny little plug. It is just one of my favorite gift stories.
I can't really think of which gift is my favorite over the years, but every one that sticks out in my memory is from you. Statistically speaking, that makes sense because a large percentage of the tangible gifts you given me are from you. But that leads me to something else, all of my life lessons, physical attributes and personality traits are basically gifts from you as well. I am extremely thankful for all you have provided me with, both tangible and personal. So for fun here is a list of my most memorable gifts:
Boom Box: This is the earliest gift memories, I was so excited when I got this for my birthday. It began my ability to play the music I wanted to hear and was a representation of becoming a true American teenager; I began to blast my N*Sync and Britney Spears in my room and dance and sing like a crazy fool.
Clarinet: This wasn't Christmas or my Birthday, and technically it was 'school supplies' but I remember when we bought my clarinet I wasn't supposed to use it until school started. I have a confession: Whenever I was home alone that summer I got that clarinet down and played it, well tried. I had the mouthpiece on backwards...Oh how far I have come. Well if you guys had never gotten me that clarinet, I never would have become the musician I am, marched in major national parades, or chosen the career in music I have.
Fuse: This seems like sort of a silly gift, but the fuse to the radio in my car has made my life to and from destinations so much less silent and boring. I was so excited when I got the tiny little plug. It is just one of my favorite gift stories.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Reality Can Be Disappointing
Dreams are great, they provide some entertainment in your unconscious hours, they make you think, they reveal a little bit we do not know about ourselves. The worst part about them is waking up from a good dream. You will have an amazing dream, and in that dream you will be so excited and happy that something happens. Many times this happens and I wake up smiling, then reality sets in. The feeling you get in that moment when you realize, "I was only dreaming, that did not actually happen" is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. What makes it worse is when what happens in your dream is completely possible, you just do not know how to make it happen. It teases you, because you feel like it is so close, but only happens in dreams. Dreams are a common theme in great songs... Here are two quotes:
"...Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in..." - I'm not that girl, Idena Menzel, Wicked.
"...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe..." - Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer.
"...Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in..." - I'm not that girl, Idena Menzel, Wicked.
"...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe..." - Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Hopeless
There is turmoil in our school district. It is such a sad and painful situation for teachers, administrators and those students who actually care. Loved programs are being cut and the teachers who have changed our lives are losing their jobs. I was speaking with a teacher who will most likely lose their job. They are considering going back to college and getting a degree in something else. They have the degree I plan to pursue. I look up to this teacher. I watched them go from college, to being part-time, getting their master's, and becoming an amazing educator and truly improving the music program at the junior high. Because of this I have considered them 'my hope'. What they are going through now is very similar to my future. I go to them with my college, music, career, and life questions. They are not only a teacher but like an older brother and friend to me. When they told me they may go back to college and pursue another career, I couldn't help but cry. Thinking about them giving up leaves me no hope. The very same thing could happen to me. There are very few jobs out there and I could have to go back and become a business woman. I have to wonder if there is even hope. Is it even worth my time? There is no other profession I think I could love. Sure, I have back up plans but it is not what I want. I can't stand to see these cuts happen to music teachers, it scares me. I don't want to be at that end of the rope, I cannot be ignorant to the fact that it is a real possibility.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Early Spring Cleaning
I hate cleaning...usually. I love to be organized and neat in just about everything but my room. My drawers and closet are normally a mess and you can rarely see my floor. Today I just felt like the unbearable task had to be done. My floor is visible and has that clean 'just-vaccumed' look. My shoes are in line in my closet, and it is color coordinated. My drawers are neat and orderly, my shelves look professional and impeccable. I organized my college stuff, papers, books and my dry-erase calender is updated and also color coordinated. I didn't write all this to brag about the great job I did, I promise. I am so tired of this cold, dark, snowy winter. I have been craving the open-windows, sunshine and free feeling of spring. I think I felt the urge to clean because my mind is already in the spring mindset. Clearing the cobwebs and stress of winter and starting anew. Having my room clean makes me feel like I can think clearly. It is a silly little thing, but even though mother nature is not ready, I am. Lets start spring already!
On a side note, I am behind on this letter project. The topics leftover are either not too exciting, hard, or I want to save them for the end. I'll catch up eventually. Next time I have lots of time to think and write, I will post two letters to make up for last week. I promise.
On a side note, I am behind on this letter project. The topics leftover are either not too exciting, hard, or I want to save them for the end. I'll catch up eventually. Next time I have lots of time to think and write, I will post two letters to make up for last week. I promise.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Mirror Moment
I am pretty sure everyone has those days, weeks, months or even moments were you learn about yourself. Throughout my chaining life, preparation process, youth group and thinking over the past few days, maybe even weeks, I have had a good amount of time to self-reflect and learn a bit about myself.
1. I am so incredibly predictable. In youth group over the past few weeks we've been digging deeper into our spiritual gifts, abilities, heart and personality. We've been given quizzes and just looked through and self evaluated ourselves to discover what God has given us to make us who we are. Every time, my results are completely obvious, not only do I guess them but so do others around me. At first I thought that I was boring, and I needed to be different, more surprising and spontaneous. Last night I came to the conclusion that being predictable is not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I am sure of my self, I have discovered a large chunk of who I am and I am confident in that. That is reassuring, because I love to be confident and sure of things.
2. I am a memory person. I was looking around good 'ole facebook today and noticed that I have so many more pictures and status updates than most. I took some time to think about why that is, I sure hope it is not because I'm conceited or anything... But I think it is because I love memories. I love reminiscing and going through old pictures and notes. I bring up old inside jokes and memories a little too often. I hold tight to memories, and that is where my dislike of change comes from as well as how emotional I get when memorable things end. While it is nice to be sentimental and such about my life so far, I don't want to continue living in my past, I will completely miss my future.
3. I am a perfectionist. Striving towards perfection improves me, but I am so hard on myself. I constantly criticize and find things I need to change, I hate knowing I am wrong and knowing that I didn't succeed. My perfectionist ways are not necessarily something I need to change about myself, but I need to keep my confidence up, otherwise I won't succeed, I will be critical of myself and then I am back to square one.
Now the best part of metaphorically looking in the mirror is the chance for self-improvement as well as self-appreciation. You find out what you need to fix in order to be a better person, and what you have that makes you who you are in a positive way. The self-appreciation really boosts your confidence and helps you exemplify who you are to others, being confident in yourself is extremely noticeable to those around you and makes you someone who is enjoyable to be around and you'll be much happier with what you see in your reflection
1. I am so incredibly predictable. In youth group over the past few weeks we've been digging deeper into our spiritual gifts, abilities, heart and personality. We've been given quizzes and just looked through and self evaluated ourselves to discover what God has given us to make us who we are. Every time, my results are completely obvious, not only do I guess them but so do others around me. At first I thought that I was boring, and I needed to be different, more surprising and spontaneous. Last night I came to the conclusion that being predictable is not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I am sure of my self, I have discovered a large chunk of who I am and I am confident in that. That is reassuring, because I love to be confident and sure of things.
2. I am a memory person. I was looking around good 'ole facebook today and noticed that I have so many more pictures and status updates than most. I took some time to think about why that is, I sure hope it is not because I'm conceited or anything... But I think it is because I love memories. I love reminiscing and going through old pictures and notes. I bring up old inside jokes and memories a little too often. I hold tight to memories, and that is where my dislike of change comes from as well as how emotional I get when memorable things end. While it is nice to be sentimental and such about my life so far, I don't want to continue living in my past, I will completely miss my future.
3. I am a perfectionist. Striving towards perfection improves me, but I am so hard on myself. I constantly criticize and find things I need to change, I hate knowing I am wrong and knowing that I didn't succeed. My perfectionist ways are not necessarily something I need to change about myself, but I need to keep my confidence up, otherwise I won't succeed, I will be critical of myself and then I am back to square one.
Now the best part of metaphorically looking in the mirror is the chance for self-improvement as well as self-appreciation. You find out what you need to fix in order to be a better person, and what you have that makes you who you are in a positive way. The self-appreciation really boosts your confidence and helps you exemplify who you are to others, being confident in yourself is extremely noticeable to those around you and makes you someone who is enjoyable to be around and you'll be much happier with what you see in your reflection
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Just Layin' It Out There
Today everyone has been talking about the PLSD Board of Education meeting that happened last night. We all knew this meeting was coming and we knew it would be hard. When the levy didn't pass we knew that jobs would be lost, programs would take a hit and emotions would rise. Everyone has been saying this and that, conversing, discussing and interpreting. I don't know everything about the situation and I'm not going to pretend like I do. I've heard different ideas and conclusions others have drawn from information and news. I'm just going to lay out my opinion on this one, from my understanding, with completely honest feelings:
It is not plain and simple, things seem to be 'unsure', opinions and interpretation of the BOE's decision clash. We can't know for sure what will happen come spring if the levy returns to the ballot.
The blame can't be placed in one area. The BOE, voters, and government can all be blamed.
No one person can find one person or group to blame for our current economic situation, but that situation has led to selfishness and struggle, hence our levy. The levy was brought about because there were money problems that needed to be solved, and those similar money problems caused it not to pass.
Many people voted no simply because they cared about themselves, and not the future: CHILDREN. They just didn't want to pay taxes. The voters should have realized that voting yes could potentially fix money problems and the consequences were not worth saving the small $200-some in extra taxes. The voters created a terrible situation for the BOE, they had to choose cuts, they had their hands tied.
Choosing fairly is a different story. Programs such as music and PE were cut for the younger students, real people lost their jobs who had just begun their career. There is less learning time and less opportunity for success is available to future students. People who aide the school in so many unrecognized ways lost their job just because of a seemingly unimportant title. The work load is going to be too much for certain positions to handle alone. One person cannot handle the jobs of three. Now my question is where are the higher-level job salary cuts? Where are the BOE salary cuts? I think things could have been a bit more even spread.
Now I have to mention some things so I don't seem uneducated, crazy, hateful, disgruntled, ranting or biased
I admit that I don't know everything about this horrid situation, I may be wrong about some things but I have an opinion and I'd like to express it.
I've done as much research as I can so I know as much as I can about this situation.
I have nothing against BOE, I personally know 2 members and they are wonderful people who have done a lot for me.
I understand this is hard on everyone, I guess I am just discontent. As a hopeful future educator I can't stand to watch this happen to a school district, education is one of the most important things in one's life, without it we are nothing. As a community, we fail without education. I guess I'd just like to see it protected in every subject. This is going to have consequences in the lives of teachers, administrators, citizens and most of all those who don't even have much of a voice in the matter: STUDENTS.
It is not plain and simple, things seem to be 'unsure', opinions and interpretation of the BOE's decision clash. We can't know for sure what will happen come spring if the levy returns to the ballot.
The blame can't be placed in one area. The BOE, voters, and government can all be blamed.
No one person can find one person or group to blame for our current economic situation, but that situation has led to selfishness and struggle, hence our levy. The levy was brought about because there were money problems that needed to be solved, and those similar money problems caused it not to pass.
Many people voted no simply because they cared about themselves, and not the future: CHILDREN. They just didn't want to pay taxes. The voters should have realized that voting yes could potentially fix money problems and the consequences were not worth saving the small $200-some in extra taxes. The voters created a terrible situation for the BOE, they had to choose cuts, they had their hands tied.
Choosing fairly is a different story. Programs such as music and PE were cut for the younger students, real people lost their jobs who had just begun their career. There is less learning time and less opportunity for success is available to future students. People who aide the school in so many unrecognized ways lost their job just because of a seemingly unimportant title. The work load is going to be too much for certain positions to handle alone. One person cannot handle the jobs of three. Now my question is where are the higher-level job salary cuts? Where are the BOE salary cuts? I think things could have been a bit more even spread.
Now I have to mention some things so I don't seem uneducated, crazy, hateful, disgruntled, ranting or biased
I admit that I don't know everything about this horrid situation, I may be wrong about some things but I have an opinion and I'd like to express it.
I've done as much research as I can so I know as much as I can about this situation.
I have nothing against BOE, I personally know 2 members and they are wonderful people who have done a lot for me.
I understand this is hard on everyone, I guess I am just discontent. As a hopeful future educator I can't stand to watch this happen to a school district, education is one of the most important things in one's life, without it we are nothing. As a community, we fail without education. I guess I'd just like to see it protected in every subject. This is going to have consequences in the lives of teachers, administrators, citizens and most of all those who don't even have much of a voice in the matter: STUDENTS.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Coincidence? I Think Not
We began our new semester today and it seemed like the longest day of my life. I was completely bored and in a bad mood, yet not. I feel like my mind is filled to the brim with thought. I came home today with one of the biggest headaches I've ever had and I'm just ready to sleep. I highly doubt this is a coincidence. Thoughts definitely give you headaches just as much as physical causes. I am going to go to sleep soon, but I just had to unload some feelings first.
1. I'm sitting in my room shivering as I write this. I can't stand the idea of 0 degrees, let alone experiencing it. I'm listening to my favorite beach music band, Best Coast, and picturing driving around with my windows open with the sun beating down on my skin. I miss summer more than anything right now.
2. Sometimes I forget where I fit in, and it seems to happen to me after long weekends. I spend a lot of my long weekends hanging out with my family and sisters, I talk to different people than I normally do and I have a different agenda. I get back into my routine and find myself with inner conflict. I don't always know just which group I belong to.
3. How is it that some of the people who are the greatest to you can make you really feel like crap. Maybe they just have that leverage to create guilt, or you know just enough about them to be jealous of them. They're close to you so they're in your life enough and you know them well enough to provoke those feelings.
4. I shouldn't be writing now, I have a few things I should already be doing. Homework, practicing, organizing, reading, cleaning. Somehow I convince myself that writing takes precedence over other things. If I am able to reverse that idea I won't be writing as much, I'm sorry but it is for my betterment.
1. I'm sitting in my room shivering as I write this. I can't stand the idea of 0 degrees, let alone experiencing it. I'm listening to my favorite beach music band, Best Coast, and picturing driving around with my windows open with the sun beating down on my skin. I miss summer more than anything right now.
2. Sometimes I forget where I fit in, and it seems to happen to me after long weekends. I spend a lot of my long weekends hanging out with my family and sisters, I talk to different people than I normally do and I have a different agenda. I get back into my routine and find myself with inner conflict. I don't always know just which group I belong to.
3. How is it that some of the people who are the greatest to you can make you really feel like crap. Maybe they just have that leverage to create guilt, or you know just enough about them to be jealous of them. They're close to you so they're in your life enough and you know them well enough to provoke those feelings.
4. I shouldn't be writing now, I have a few things I should already be doing. Homework, practicing, organizing, reading, cleaning. Somehow I convince myself that writing takes precedence over other things. If I am able to reverse that idea I won't be writing as much, I'm sorry but it is for my betterment.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A Day for Thought
I feel like I have thought about anything and everything today. I've reflected on the results of my audition on Saturday, I've been challenged, I've thought about music, I've thought about guys, I've thought about friendships, I've thought about arrogance, I've thought about possibilities, and I've thought about every aspect of my future one could possibly think about. I'm not sure why it has been such a thought provoking day, but I have definitely felt led to reflect and think about things. It has been refreshing and at the same time burdening. A lot has been on my mind, but much of it has been good.
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