Today, someone told me I am heartless and have no emotions. Of course, it was not as harsh as it sounds, because they were just speaking in reference to the fact that I did not cry at some silly 'tear-jerker' movie. But still, there may be some truth to what they said. I have never really been one to express emotion or become easily upset or excited over something. Emotional movies or sappy sad love songs have never really gotten to me, I am not affected by them. Sad true stories will rarely bring up strong emotion either.
Perhaps part of the reason is that I have never experienced extreme troubles in my life, so I do not relate so much. I have never lost a loved one, I have never had my heart broken, and nothing too terrible has really happened to me. I consider myself extremely lucky, but I also wonder if that is what leaves me lacking that emotional and sympathetic nature.
Being less-than-emotional is part of who I am, and I do not think it is an all bad part of my personality. I believe it is evidence that I am a strong person. I think it is a good thing I am not reduced to tears just because a character in a movie died a tragic death. I think if it is difficult to upset me, that will be good for when I do face trials at some point in my life that I can remain strong and not get upset over things. By not being upset and emotional, I can keep a clear head and continue to think logically while others may be blinded by raw emotion or too upset to even function.
While I do believe my ability to surpass emotion and remain level-headed is a strength, it still hurts a little to be told I have no emotions. I definitely think I have PLENTY of emotions, I feel like in the past few months especially I have felt a wide range of very strong emotions. I think I just have found emotions to be very dangerous when they are too strong or uncontrolled. I have found that you should be the one in control of your own emotions, not someone else, and your emotions should never have total control over you. So maybe my restraint of emotion comes off as being 'heartless' to others, but in the end I do believe it benefits myself.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What is This Feeling?
I've opened this page, stared at the blank text box and closed it about seven times now... I have a heavy feeling to write something, but I cannot seem to put what I want to say in words. The only words I can think of sound too extreme for how I feel, but it is all I have. I guess what I am trying to say is take how I describe my feelings lightly, it is not quite as severe as it sounds, but here I go...
I am a pretty easy going person, I can have a good time with just about anyone. There are definitely those people who just get on my last nerve, but i can usually handle it. Not only can I have a good time with just about anyone, I can have a really great time with my usual group of friends that I am beyond comfortable with. They are so much fun on all occasions. I have been having great times with them and still do, but something is just different. While I am having a wonderful time and enjoying myself, I feel like I do not belong, I actually feel alone in a crowd of people. I don't even know where this comes from but that is how things have become. I guess it could be that I am in a transition period from the same people all of the time to beginning again with a whole new group of friends and the fact that I am so comfortable with this leaves me uncomfortable with the old. I still like being around them and crave to do so more often, but as they grow closer (and will continue to do so), I drift.
I am about ninety percent sure this all has do with change. We are changing direction, as people we are changing and therefor our friendships are changing. I have gone through this before, change is difficult but good. I feel like I know that well enough now I should not even notice the difficulty of change, but here I am again. I will enjoy my time with friends as much as possible in the short amount of time I have left, and still have great times. I can only hope that this feeling of loneliness subsides.
I am a pretty easy going person, I can have a good time with just about anyone. There are definitely those people who just get on my last nerve, but i can usually handle it. Not only can I have a good time with just about anyone, I can have a really great time with my usual group of friends that I am beyond comfortable with. They are so much fun on all occasions. I have been having great times with them and still do, but something is just different. While I am having a wonderful time and enjoying myself, I feel like I do not belong, I actually feel alone in a crowd of people. I don't even know where this comes from but that is how things have become. I guess it could be that I am in a transition period from the same people all of the time to beginning again with a whole new group of friends and the fact that I am so comfortable with this leaves me uncomfortable with the old. I still like being around them and crave to do so more often, but as they grow closer (and will continue to do so), I drift.
I am about ninety percent sure this all has do with change. We are changing direction, as people we are changing and therefor our friendships are changing. I have gone through this before, change is difficult but good. I feel like I know that well enough now I should not even notice the difficulty of change, but here I am again. I will enjoy my time with friends as much as possible in the short amount of time I have left, and still have great times. I can only hope that this feeling of loneliness subsides.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Happy Fourth of July
I know, it is not July 4th just yet, but my state's capital is celebrating today so that is why I chose the title. And no, I am not going to write a generic entry about pride or patriotism, not exactly.
The Fourth of July was never a big deal to me or my family really. We would go to the parade, have a cook out, watch fireworks and play with sparklers. It was still an exciting day for us kids. Especially as summer started to get boring, it was a break from our monotonous visits to the pool, lazy days around the house, and nights of kickball in the court.
Today, fourth of July is even less exciting. Fireworks hardly are impressive, and my over-exposure to patriotic music in high school has caused for lack of appreciation in that area as well. As a music person I can listen to a well played Sousa march or American jazz band classics, but I have played my way through 'Stars and Stripes Forever' and 'Armed Forces Salute' enough times that I could sing you my exact part, note for note.
There is one part of high school that kept the frail and faint flame of patriotism alive in me: The annual Jazz Band & Chorale trip to our nations capital. We kept plenty busy visiting sights and museums, which is interesting but the main goal of our trips was to go into the retirement homes and centers for veterans to spend time with them and entertain them with patriotic pieces and tunes from their era. The appreciation those veterans had for our visits was so touching, after all they had done for us and their country. I can still remember the final performance my Junior year, we played a show on a cramped stage in one retirement home. Our director spoke about how those older folks in the audience are part of "The Greatest Generation", and one feeble old man struggled to stand and declared, "NO! I believe that they", pointing to us, "Are the greatest generation." Tears filled most of our eyes at the endearing statement from someone who chose to put his life in danger so that we could safely grow up and learn the music we were playing that day. It is small memories like that, not necessarily fireworks, floats or flags, that keep patriotism alive for me.
The Fourth of July was never a big deal to me or my family really. We would go to the parade, have a cook out, watch fireworks and play with sparklers. It was still an exciting day for us kids. Especially as summer started to get boring, it was a break from our monotonous visits to the pool, lazy days around the house, and nights of kickball in the court.
Today, fourth of July is even less exciting. Fireworks hardly are impressive, and my over-exposure to patriotic music in high school has caused for lack of appreciation in that area as well. As a music person I can listen to a well played Sousa march or American jazz band classics, but I have played my way through 'Stars and Stripes Forever' and 'Armed Forces Salute' enough times that I could sing you my exact part, note for note.
There is one part of high school that kept the frail and faint flame of patriotism alive in me: The annual Jazz Band & Chorale trip to our nations capital. We kept plenty busy visiting sights and museums, which is interesting but the main goal of our trips was to go into the retirement homes and centers for veterans to spend time with them and entertain them with patriotic pieces and tunes from their era. The appreciation those veterans had for our visits was so touching, after all they had done for us and their country. I can still remember the final performance my Junior year, we played a show on a cramped stage in one retirement home. Our director spoke about how those older folks in the audience are part of "The Greatest Generation", and one feeble old man struggled to stand and declared, "NO! I believe that they", pointing to us, "Are the greatest generation." Tears filled most of our eyes at the endearing statement from someone who chose to put his life in danger so that we could safely grow up and learn the music we were playing that day. It is small memories like that, not necessarily fireworks, floats or flags, that keep patriotism alive for me.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
It Has Been Far Too Long...
I have taken a break from writing (excluding the post a few days ago), well it has been more than a break, it has been a full blown long period of neglect. The end of my high school career, including many events taking place in celebration, came and went and I hardly said a thing of it. It was a stressful month or two, resulting in bronchitis and lack of sleep. It was all well worth it in the end.
Now, my plan isn't just to update the 'ole blog, but to start it up again. It is summer time, I do not have much to do, and I want to at least be semi-productive. I also feel the need for a creative and intellectual outlet again. Something I've missed lately.
To kick off my 'new beginning' I'm just going to post random thoughts that have been on my mind, nothing I will really elaborate on, just things to jot down and maybe pull out on a rainy day. And it is sort of a jump back to the old routine, writing in list form again ;)
1. Learning about yourself can be more interesting than any subject. Not in a vain way, saying that one should believe they are more interesting than someone else, but when you learn something about yourself you are learning and realizing something that has been true all along and right in front of you. The revealing of that one thing can be mind-boggling.
2. Type A personalities, such as myself, really need to take time to learn and relax. I couldn't handle a week of nothing but going to the beach, but it would be good for me if I could.
3. Voices of reason are all around us, in other people. It is extremely hard to know which to listen to. One voice of reason people often overlook is themselves, such as the warnings they give themselves. The one voice you can always know to listen to, and therefor can be used to compare all other 'voices of reason' to is none other than God. And boy, does that make things easier when you learn to just listen.
4. When you do the right, but most difficult, thing in a situation it is so painful, we all know that. The feeling that comes after that pain is what is so rewarding. You feel empowered, relieved, stronger, wiser and that you've learned something and grown from that experience. It challenges you to keep your eyes open for the harder but better choices in all situations.
5. Before, I always thought new beginnings, changes, and being away from home was the scariest thing I could imagine, but as college draws closer and I only know 3 other people going to the same school, I could not be more excited. I am actually thrilled by the fact that I am going to be finding a new group of friends and starting over. I have some of the greatest friends in the entire world now, and they have really made me who I am today but I am ready for the next chapter. This feeling of readiness has made the drifting of some friendships and complete breaking of others alright for me. I am at peace with what has happened and is happening because I am actually okay with the transition.
6. As you change, you surprise yourself. In continuation of thought 5, I never ever thought that I would be good with change. I thought that would be a problem I would always have, but I have really surprised myself with how content I am in this change. I am relieved that I feel so prepared, I did not want to struggle with all the change going on around me. I hope that is a sign of growing up and not just lack of caring.
I will hopefully write more, and hopefully gain some more habitual readers. I'd really appreciate feedback. If you don't want to comment you can always email me too. seshively@insight.rr.com
Now, my plan isn't just to update the 'ole blog, but to start it up again. It is summer time, I do not have much to do, and I want to at least be semi-productive. I also feel the need for a creative and intellectual outlet again. Something I've missed lately.
To kick off my 'new beginning' I'm just going to post random thoughts that have been on my mind, nothing I will really elaborate on, just things to jot down and maybe pull out on a rainy day. And it is sort of a jump back to the old routine, writing in list form again ;)
1. Learning about yourself can be more interesting than any subject. Not in a vain way, saying that one should believe they are more interesting than someone else, but when you learn something about yourself you are learning and realizing something that has been true all along and right in front of you. The revealing of that one thing can be mind-boggling.
2. Type A personalities, such as myself, really need to take time to learn and relax. I couldn't handle a week of nothing but going to the beach, but it would be good for me if I could.
3. Voices of reason are all around us, in other people. It is extremely hard to know which to listen to. One voice of reason people often overlook is themselves, such as the warnings they give themselves. The one voice you can always know to listen to, and therefor can be used to compare all other 'voices of reason' to is none other than God. And boy, does that make things easier when you learn to just listen.
4. When you do the right, but most difficult, thing in a situation it is so painful, we all know that. The feeling that comes after that pain is what is so rewarding. You feel empowered, relieved, stronger, wiser and that you've learned something and grown from that experience. It challenges you to keep your eyes open for the harder but better choices in all situations.
5. Before, I always thought new beginnings, changes, and being away from home was the scariest thing I could imagine, but as college draws closer and I only know 3 other people going to the same school, I could not be more excited. I am actually thrilled by the fact that I am going to be finding a new group of friends and starting over. I have some of the greatest friends in the entire world now, and they have really made me who I am today but I am ready for the next chapter. This feeling of readiness has made the drifting of some friendships and complete breaking of others alright for me. I am at peace with what has happened and is happening because I am actually okay with the transition.
6. As you change, you surprise yourself. In continuation of thought 5, I never ever thought that I would be good with change. I thought that would be a problem I would always have, but I have really surprised myself with how content I am in this change. I am relieved that I feel so prepared, I did not want to struggle with all the change going on around me. I hope that is a sign of growing up and not just lack of caring.
I will hopefully write more, and hopefully gain some more habitual readers. I'd really appreciate feedback. If you don't want to comment you can always email me too. seshively@insight.rr.com
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
An Over-Used Metaphor: The Roller Coaster of Life
The metaphor has been used billions of time: "Life is like a roller coaster, it has ups and downs, low points and high points, etc.", but it is interesting how this same metaphor can be used in much more specific aspects when thinking over life concepts. It is pretty neat how the way to describe something can be revealed to you in the idea and psychology of a theme park ride.
For me, roller coasters have not always been 'okay', I used to be mortified and would not ride a single one. I have finally gotten over that fear and will ride NEARLY all of them. There are certain 'hills' I just cannot seem to get myself over. The slight fear of heights and uncomfortable feeling of going uphill may do the trick. The thoughts going through one's head throughout the entire ride do a good job of putting into perspective the idea of fear.
For me, the long line leading up to a ride I have not ridden in a while or at all begins to psych me out, but I feel comfortable because you can back out at any point, you are still in control. Sure you might get laughed at for chickening out, but you are not at the mercy of the coaster just yet. The closer you get the more nervous you get due to the closing window of escape, yet that window seems more and more tempting. Once you have entered the station and sit down in the car, buckle the seat belt and wait to be slowly dragged up the treacherous chain hill you are at the point of no return and that is when fear hits a high point. I become on edge, I require that my riding partner talks to me the entire way up the hill to distract me from my increasing fear and discomfort. Once the hill is over and the train is sent plummeting towards the earth and twisted and flipped every direction I am able to fully enjoy the ride and adrenaline rush that comes along.
I would consider myself a mental and emotional claustrophobic, I need to always have an escape route or plan b. I need to feel in control of myself and the situation at hand. That, not only on rides, but in life is what psychs me out. Conquering fear takes getting over that first hill. It may be good for some to just get over all fear at once and do it, but I have found that slowly testing my tolerance levels have been a better method of enjoying rides. Some hills I am just not ready to get over yet, and it is the same way in life. I am just not ready to get over some of those fears yet, I have tried and will continue to test tolerance levels and inch towards buckling down and sticking it out for adrenaline and excitement hiding behind that tormenting, steep, stressful, hill.
For me, roller coasters have not always been 'okay', I used to be mortified and would not ride a single one. I have finally gotten over that fear and will ride NEARLY all of them. There are certain 'hills' I just cannot seem to get myself over. The slight fear of heights and uncomfortable feeling of going uphill may do the trick. The thoughts going through one's head throughout the entire ride do a good job of putting into perspective the idea of fear.
For me, the long line leading up to a ride I have not ridden in a while or at all begins to psych me out, but I feel comfortable because you can back out at any point, you are still in control. Sure you might get laughed at for chickening out, but you are not at the mercy of the coaster just yet. The closer you get the more nervous you get due to the closing window of escape, yet that window seems more and more tempting. Once you have entered the station and sit down in the car, buckle the seat belt and wait to be slowly dragged up the treacherous chain hill you are at the point of no return and that is when fear hits a high point. I become on edge, I require that my riding partner talks to me the entire way up the hill to distract me from my increasing fear and discomfort. Once the hill is over and the train is sent plummeting towards the earth and twisted and flipped every direction I am able to fully enjoy the ride and adrenaline rush that comes along.
I would consider myself a mental and emotional claustrophobic, I need to always have an escape route or plan b. I need to feel in control of myself and the situation at hand. That, not only on rides, but in life is what psychs me out. Conquering fear takes getting over that first hill. It may be good for some to just get over all fear at once and do it, but I have found that slowly testing my tolerance levels have been a better method of enjoying rides. Some hills I am just not ready to get over yet, and it is the same way in life. I am just not ready to get over some of those fears yet, I have tried and will continue to test tolerance levels and inch towards buckling down and sticking it out for adrenaline and excitement hiding behind that tormenting, steep, stressful, hill.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A look at my written past
It is 10:00PM on May 25th, 2011. Tomorrow is the last day I will go through my 9 period day as a high school student. It is completely surreal. I cannot even wrap my head around the idea or acknowledge that it is happening. I'm taking some time to reflect on some things. I plan on spending my day tomorrow, going through all of the memories each location and thing in the school holds.
I found some journals today that I had written in my early high school years. I thought I'd post some excerpts.
"We had our first football game, it was the most amazing night of my life. I just love all the band kids. I can tell that we're going to become so close." -Boy was I right.
"Our first away game was AMAZING. I actually enjoyed the game. The bus ride was hilarious and the BEAT was sooo funny. We won in double overtime. After the win, it began to rain. The lights made it look like snow. The football players kneeled in a group as we played amazing grace. It was one of those perfect moments in life. In that moment, I realized how much I love this band. " - I still remember this moment clearly to this day. I stopped playing and let the sound of the rest of the band I have grown to love and the sight of the purple around me, 'snow' rain falling under the stadium lights and football team huddled in celebration. It really was a small perfect moment in time and I realized what I love. I didn't know it then, but that's when my slow and subtle journey towards my decision to follow music began.
"States: Amazing, scary, nerve racking. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is....ONE!" Pandemonium, it was amazing!. I will forever remember this moment." - Yes, I do, vividly.
I wrote those statements a little over 4 years ago. And those feelings still remain the same, perhaps stronger. Tonight at the dedication of our Rose Parade plaque, I was reminded of how much I love the family and how even after we leave, we are still a part of that family. I was moved close to tears, I know I will loose it and bawl like a baby, probably on senior night, but to leave the family I have had and loved for 4 years as well as my true family is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do
I found some journals today that I had written in my early high school years. I thought I'd post some excerpts.
"We had our first football game, it was the most amazing night of my life. I just love all the band kids. I can tell that we're going to become so close." -Boy was I right.
"Our first away game was AMAZING. I actually enjoyed the game. The bus ride was hilarious and the BEAT was sooo funny. We won in double overtime. After the win, it began to rain. The lights made it look like snow. The football players kneeled in a group as we played amazing grace. It was one of those perfect moments in life. In that moment, I realized how much I love this band. " - I still remember this moment clearly to this day. I stopped playing and let the sound of the rest of the band I have grown to love and the sight of the purple around me, 'snow' rain falling under the stadium lights and football team huddled in celebration. It really was a small perfect moment in time and I realized what I love. I didn't know it then, but that's when my slow and subtle journey towards my decision to follow music began.
"States: Amazing, scary, nerve racking. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is....ONE!" Pandemonium, it was amazing!. I will forever remember this moment." - Yes, I do, vividly.
I wrote those statements a little over 4 years ago. And those feelings still remain the same, perhaps stronger. Tonight at the dedication of our Rose Parade plaque, I was reminded of how much I love the family and how even after we leave, we are still a part of that family. I was moved close to tears, I know I will loose it and bawl like a baby, probably on senior night, but to leave the family I have had and loved for 4 years as well as my true family is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Boiling Frustration
I have four days left. I have completely checked out and that attitude has creeped into every aspect of my life. I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I am so ready to be done that I do not even want to be around the people I have been around for years. I have developed this inexplicable irritability that I cannot seem to get rid of. I feel overwhelmed, I am so done, and it is hot outside, all of this is driving me crazy and I just want to SCREAM. At no one in particular, but I just want to let it all out. I just want to live one month with nothing to worry about at all.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Morning
I hate mornings. Some people think of them as the new beginning, sunrises, getting the day started, etc. I think of mornings as a rude awakening, exhaustion, awful reminders, and monotonous routines.
Here is how my usual mornings go: Wake up, look at my phone and read messages I missed from the previous night (this is usually because I fall asleep mid conversation), remember things I should have done yesterday, add those to my list of things to do today, go through my schedule for the day, get ready, yawn around 40 times, go on my way.
It's the same boring routine every day, and there isn't much I can change. I instantly have a very negative outlook on things in the morning, even things I had a positive view on the night before. I don't know where it comes from, maybe being tired or half awake and lazy, but it's there; Plenty of negativity to go around.
Summer mornings are a little different, because I get to lay around and do nothing most mornings and just let the negativity and hatred for mornings simmer away and disappear completely. Thank goodness summer is coming soon.
Here is how my usual mornings go: Wake up, look at my phone and read messages I missed from the previous night (this is usually because I fall asleep mid conversation), remember things I should have done yesterday, add those to my list of things to do today, go through my schedule for the day, get ready, yawn around 40 times, go on my way.
It's the same boring routine every day, and there isn't much I can change. I instantly have a very negative outlook on things in the morning, even things I had a positive view on the night before. I don't know where it comes from, maybe being tired or half awake and lazy, but it's there; Plenty of negativity to go around.
Summer mornings are a little different, because I get to lay around and do nothing most mornings and just let the negativity and hatred for mornings simmer away and disappear completely. Thank goodness summer is coming soon.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Simple Happiness
Different things make different people happy. When those things conflict, happiness is so hard to reach and it is one of the most frustrating, disappointing and even depressing things. When that point of simple happiness is reached it is so relieving. It isn't that you are the happiest you've ever been, but that fact that you are able to be happy after a long period of unhappiness is what feels so wonderful. Just to be able to have a simply happy good time feels like the most wonderful thing in the world. One must be careful to not let happiness blind you from underlying problems and subtle issues, but also not be so aware and defensive so to not enjoy the happiness.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Discrepancy
We all get friendships. A friend is someone who is there for you, you enjoy their company, spend time with, talk to, laugh with, trust, respect and love a certain way. We all have friends and some have what they consider "best friends". Some have a circle of close knit friends, while others have many friends that they do not truly know.
Relationships are also quite common to those young and old. In high school there are boyfriends and girlfriends, later in life, husbands and wives. There relationships are defined by a more physical and emotional commitment. You have the same trust, respect, enjoyment as a friend but there is something deeper in the way you feel towards that person. By saying you are their 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' you commit to that deeper part of the relationship with them and only them. The same goes for marriage, except that is life bonding. (Should be that is)
Now it seems like there is a basic fundamental line between being in a relationship and a friendship, but it seems there is such an in between state, but is it ok? Let us call it 'relationship x'. You do not quite have a relationship but you are definitely more special than just friends. There is commitment, but loose commitment. The commitment is there mostly because you cannot imagine hurting the other. Relationship x lacks the publicity of a real relationship, whether it be on purpose or by chance.
The way you love someone in this 'relationship x' will show which side of the problem you are coming from. If you love them the same way you love your best friend, you see the relationship as an EXTREMELY strong friendship, and generally fear it becoming anything more. If you love that person in a romantic unconditional way, then you see the relationship as a hopeful future commitment.
Now everything is fine and dandy if both parties see this special in-between relationship the same way. It is when there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy that problems arise. One friend falls for another and that is when all emotional turmoil is released. Feelings are hurt, hopes are crushed, worries constantly hinder the mind, fighting happens. Because of all of the results of discrepancy in relationship x, only the strong can survive there. Those who's relationship is strong enough and both parties involved are strong enough can last through this state of relational being. Those who are not strong enough allow one party to settle on one side of the fence or another, leaving someone and eventually both people unhappy.
Relationships are also quite common to those young and old. In high school there are boyfriends and girlfriends, later in life, husbands and wives. There relationships are defined by a more physical and emotional commitment. You have the same trust, respect, enjoyment as a friend but there is something deeper in the way you feel towards that person. By saying you are their 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' you commit to that deeper part of the relationship with them and only them. The same goes for marriage, except that is life bonding. (Should be that is)
Now it seems like there is a basic fundamental line between being in a relationship and a friendship, but it seems there is such an in between state, but is it ok? Let us call it 'relationship x'. You do not quite have a relationship but you are definitely more special than just friends. There is commitment, but loose commitment. The commitment is there mostly because you cannot imagine hurting the other. Relationship x lacks the publicity of a real relationship, whether it be on purpose or by chance.
The way you love someone in this 'relationship x' will show which side of the problem you are coming from. If you love them the same way you love your best friend, you see the relationship as an EXTREMELY strong friendship, and generally fear it becoming anything more. If you love that person in a romantic unconditional way, then you see the relationship as a hopeful future commitment.
Now everything is fine and dandy if both parties see this special in-between relationship the same way. It is when there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy that problems arise. One friend falls for another and that is when all emotional turmoil is released. Feelings are hurt, hopes are crushed, worries constantly hinder the mind, fighting happens. Because of all of the results of discrepancy in relationship x, only the strong can survive there. Those who's relationship is strong enough and both parties involved are strong enough can last through this state of relational being. Those who are not strong enough allow one party to settle on one side of the fence or another, leaving someone and eventually both people unhappy.
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