Unintentionally Frustrating.

I know that they are not trying to upset me, they probably have no clue that I even care. They just frustrate me. They even hurt me, but have no clue that they do so. I have no right to get upset though. First off, they have no clue that they upset me, and you cannot get angry with someone for doing something they had no idea was wrong. Secondly, It is probably not worth being flustered over. Its all because I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. Things do not go my way, therefore I get upset. I can't control people's feelings, I get that, but I cannot let it upset me any more. Just a quick rant before bed.

Jealously Alone.

So I was texting this guy, who's my friend but not close enough that we hang out or anything, just someone I talk to, and he was telling me about his crazy adventures over this spring break (this involves climbing a grocery store and staying up there most of the night). I couldn't help but think 'I am so ridiculously jealous of the fun he has with his friends'. Things have run dry with all of my friends. We hardly ever hang out; when we do it always seems to be a bit awkward. I don't know what happened to us all; we used to have such great times. There never was a dull moment. And now, that is exactly what describes us. Dull. I have some ideas as to why this has happened, things have happened and we've gone separate ways. I also wonder if this is God making things easier for me, it may sound crazy but let me explain. I've always dreaded leaving my friends and family in Pickerington. I a little over one year left until I leave for college and so far I can't stand the idea of it. Maybe because I'm not as close as I once was with my friends it'll be easier for me to leave them next year. I'm sure I'll still get emotional but maybe it will hurt less. I just wish I could have some more of those good ole fun times to fill up my last 2 summers and last year here. I'm so jealous of the friendships everyone seems to have. Nights over at houses every night, Tping, other enjoyable rendezvous. Maybe not climbing to the top of abandoned grocery stores, but I just want to make memories to take with me wherever I go. Maybe it’s time to make some last minute high school friends. We all know how great I am in that department...

I'm Ready for Destiny: Looking Forward

I've sat through rehearsals listening to the words over and over :
 " Here I go, And there's no turning back. My great adventure has begun. I may be small But I've got giant plans To shine as greatly as the sun. I will blaze until I find my time and place. I will be fearless, Surrendering modesty and grace. I will not disapear without a trace. I'll shout and start a riot Be anything but quiet. Christopher Columbus I'll be Astonishing Astonishing, Astonishing..." (Astonishing, Little Women the Musical)

I've always worried about what I'll grow up to be, should I follow my dreams, or do what society tells me to do? Should I do what will give me money or what I love? I've thought and though so much, but I know now, I need to do what my heart and God tell me to do. Follow my love and passion. How can one truly be succesful in something without a passion for it? Sure a business woman makes tons of money, but if she doesn't love it, she won't do a good job and therefor will not earn all that money and have no succes, and most importantly...No happiness. I want to grow up and be happy and thats my plan from now on. To do what i believe is right, not society or others. Sure I'll take opinions into account, but it is I who makes my own decisions. I need to grow up and be independent. I've always been reliant on friends and family. Its my time to dream and chase that dream until it is mine.

Rethinking things

Its been a long and boring saturday, but it has also given me lots of tme to think. That last post was sort of a venting session about this latest situation, but after long hard thought I think my mood has changed about this whole predicament.
 I don't know if this is the TOO nice person in me letting someone walk all over me or not, but I've decided that that person was only lying to me so as to not hurt my feelings. Or at least I assume and hope that was why. I really thought highly of them, so I hope they were only doing what they believed to do the right thing. Whether or not I confront them about this, I don't know. Perhaps I'll take the chance if it presents itself. I feel as though I should express my hurt and disappointment but I don't know if its the right choice. Maybe I should just go on acting as though everythings ok. It'll be hard but less awkward and maybe we can fix things. I hope so.
I didn't think I wanted things to be fixed at first, but I was blinded by pain and anger. When I truly think about it, this person sort of deserves a second chance and I want them in my life...

Guys, Lies and the Element of Suprise.

I hate being lied to, I absolutely cannot stand it. What makes being lied to worse, is when you're lied to by someone you trust and don't ever expect to lie to you.

As I've said before I rarely share stories with real names or situations so not to 'bash' anyone via internet so I've written a little fictional story that explains how I feel right now.

Imagine you call up a friend and ask them to see a movie with you. You really want to see this movie with them and have been thinking about it for a while. They say that it is a stupid movie and would rather not go. Sure you're not very happy but its no big deal. The next day you find out that that friend went right after you called with another person to see that very movie they deemed stupid.

(now remember, I'm going to keep speaking about this situation as though it were the movie metaphor but thats not really the case. The real story is on a larger scale than some silly movie)

First off, is that really worth lying about? I'm not crazy, I'm not going to blow up at you if you had simply said that you wanted to go to the movie with someone else. You know we spend lots of time with all these people, I was going to find out sooner or later, it was honestly not a smart move on your part.

The part of this situation that really confuses me is that the friend who called the movie stupid isn't someone I'd expect this out of. There are the jerks you know that you just expect them to pull things like this, and you think nothing of. When someone who is usually thought to be trustworthy, a good friend and a person of integrity does something like this, the element of suprise hurts just as much as the lie itself. Ah, its just frustrating...

Build Up

Oh Boy, what a leave of absence! Due to a problem with the power-supply in my lap top, I have been without a computer for a few weeks. There have been so many instances where I've felt the need to blog throughout this unplugged time. I had no way of feeding those urges, it was quite frustrating. But I'm back for good, my dad found me a new laptop that I love.

I'm going to have to go with a list format to organize myself. So many times having to keep my thoughts for later means lots of different things to discuss.

1. This weather is wonderful! Spring has finally arrived. The sun is out, its warming up and birds are singing. I love being able to drive with my windows downa and stereo playing. My happiness level has dramatically increased simply due to the slight warmth.

2. Things have truly been looking up for me. The weather is wonderful. Many stressors have left my life. People just seem to be happier. My friends and everything are back to normal. We got a one at districts. I've got some money and new clothes. Prom is coming up.

3. Unfortuneately I have to post a not so happy thought. I don't understand how it always happens that there is a girl who ruins everything for you. You like someone, and he ends up liking her. You achieve something and she achieves the same thing or higher. She beats you to anything you aim for. Yeah, I have one of those.

Well theres a short update. I'll hopefuly be writing more often now that I have access to the blog all the time.

An Attempt, so far.

Every time my brain isn’t preoccupied with something else, it comes back. That one thing, we all have it. The moment we consider to be the worst of our lives. Every time, whether I’m lying in bed, driving home from school or just relaxing on a day off, my mind wanders back there to that situation. I beat my self up for what I did wrong. I realize I needed to grow a backbone. I should’ve stood up for myself. I question my decision. I thought it was the best choice, maybe I should’ve done it myself rather than leave it to others to do for me. But I did believe it was best. But the question comes back, was it really the right thing to do?


Most of the reason this situation creeps back into my mind is due to the fact that it still poses problems in the present. I miss the way things were, I miss who people where. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like thanks to this situation and the cause of the situation itself I’m losing the people I love most. I want to help, but I don’t know how to go about it. I was always the one helped. I don’t know what to do. They were always the ones to help me, now it’s my turn and I don’t know what to do. They won’t listen any way. My thoughts probably sound like a mess. They are, you’re not mistaken.

My feelings lately of being left behind in the changes are probably due to this whole situation too. The cause has taken my friends from me. It happens though; it’s just how things go I guess. My disapproval of the cause drove them off too. But honestly, how can I accept it? I just can’t. I can’t watch my friends do this anymore. But there we go again. Why I feel so alone…

Pathetic

Lately, I've honestly just felt pathetic. I have no life outside of school. Sure I go to Jazz bad, Orchestra, and youth group. Outside of that, I do nothing. Too many times I find myself sitting at home wondering what to do.


Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.

Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.

Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.

Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.

Value.

Sometimes I think the value of a 'job well done' is forgotten. This happens for those individuals or groups even who simply are used to doing well. They take winning for granted. I think it takes a small failure followed by success to remind us how much doing well is truly worth.


When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem

There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.

Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.

Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.

Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.

For the sake of writing.

I just love it when you have a really great day. A day that’s not just good because nothing bad happened. A day where everything just turns out great. Everything from little joys to exciting accomplishments all occurring in a single 24 hours.


The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.

The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.

It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.