Week 2: A Letter to the last person you kissed.

Oh awkwardness, how you love to follow me. I am so not putting any specific names in this letter.

Dear...(oh what to put here) Boy,
     I'm not really sure what to write to you, we haven't talked in ages so perhaps I'll say, "Hi, how are you, how's life, what's new?" Um, yeah you are the last guy I kissed, congratulations? Ha. You're probably not going to read this so I guess I'll just put it out there that it was new years eve and that really didn't mean much at all. Sorry. Our few months of talking were kind of pointless too. You'll find a nice girl your age, you're a sweet guy.

Well that was highly awkward and is an exact replica of how awkward a conversation would've been with this kid. (see, I said some of these letters would be fun!)

Social Surrender

I. Give. Up.

My academic life is pretty good. My grades are going up. As a musician, I am improving and I have many musical experiences ahead of me. Its exciting stuff. Well, that's my cup half full view...

Now lets take a look at how I really feel. Socially, my life isn't so great right now. I have friends that I have a great time with in school, or at band. Outside of school? Nope. My friends each have their groups whether its through a school group or through weekend social events, they've got their groups. I sometimes think that I'm the boring kill joy no one wants to invite. That's probably blowing things out of proportion, but I just needed to get some of those feelings out. I also think sometimes I only find myself interested in someone because they express interest in me. As soon as they seem to lose interest I give up on pursuing that person. (sounds conceited...oh great..)

So we've looked at the positive and the negative, lets do some learning. I think that we all go through up and down phases in each area of our lives and that gives us a time to truly focus on the other aspects of our life. I think this could definitely be a time for me to forget about climbing the socialite ladder and focus on my auditions, talent, grades and future. Sure I can be a negative Nancy at times but I'll find the lesson in it eventually.

Week 1: A letter to your best friend(s)

I consider multiple people my best friends. They are each my best friend for a different reason. Here we go...

#1 Miss Riana Upton, the oldest friend.
    Riana, you have done everything a friend could ever ask for and more. You are understanding, fun, helpful, hilarious, loving, witty, full of advice and beauty. I couldn't be more thankful to have you in my life for the past going on 9 years. I couldn't imagine life without you. Most of my greatest memories are with you. I've also learned in the past year that you are a forgiving friend, I really appreciate that. We've had our differences (took us long enough, we've never disagreed!) but that has made very little difference in our friendship. I think that exemplifies how true our friendship is.

#2 Miss Megan Payne, the friend I am most like.
        Melon twin, we are so much alike, which is why I think we clicked and became friends so easily and in such a short time. You are so freaking smart. You help me with everything from school to other friends to advice on situations. You even support me with advice when I don't even ask for it. I am so thankful to have a friend that I feel like I can let speak into my life the way you do. Goodness you are hilarious and I don't think I've ever had a terrible time with you.

#3 Miss Janaya Jones, the friend I cannot describe how much she means to me.
     Janaya, I can't exactly give you a label, because I can't think of a reason for the beginning of our friendship. It just, happened. Without explanation we grew so incredibly close and remain that way. Perhaps your label should be: the friend who shares the same dream. That's because we're both musicians, we have that performer's personality and passion for the arts, we both aspire for the same colleges and similar career paths. Dreams are important to people so when friends dreams are similar it makes them closer. I can tell you anything and you too like Riana are a forgiving friend. Thank you.

#4 Mr. Andrew Kovaleski, my most recent friend.
     Andrew, Andrew... What would I do without our daily 'debriefing's and your stress management. We've talked so much in the past year that you've really become an amazing friend. You have this talent where you can read my texts and instantly know how I feel. You are like my personal psychiatrist. I talk out almost all of my problems out with you. Thanks.

A Time for Change

Change affects us all the time. Each of us is constantly changing, mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything around us changes, the people we love change, the things we do change. Routines are also a part of life, and we become so accustomed to those routines that change bothers us. I am a routine, planned out, structured person so I personally am not a fan of too much change. As a senior in high school changes are huge. I'm ending the chapter of my life we like to call childhood. I'm ending the chapter of home. I'm ending the chapter of dependency. I'm ending the chapter of all that has been familiar to me for the past twelve years. That right there, is a lot of change. The people around me are discovering who they are and deciding where they will go, we're all headed different directions, thus changing who we will be around. I find comfort in my day to day, my family, my friends, my school, my church, my life. I'm going to have to leave that comfort and accept that in order to embrace the change. My days in high school are numbered, and so in the spirit of change, I'm starting a project. From now until Graduation day is 30 weeks. I am going to write one letter a week. Some letters will be fun, others will be hard. They will all be though provoking. I will continue to write as I do especially about my adventures of auditions, my college choices, friends and the other usual subjects, But I want to change up my focus on this blog and have a guideline to write.

Dwelling on the Past

I believe it is a good thing to think about the past. You learn from the past to help you understand the present. You learn from mistakes and success. The past also hold memories both good and bad. Dwelling on the past sounds like a good thing right? Wrong.
When I have lots of free time where I'm just relaxing, my mind often wanders all over the place. Often times it will travel back, to memories and feelings of long ago. There are situations I remember where the effects still last today, and feelings though not as terrible I still see in others now. Somehow a lot of the same feelings come back. I found myself extremely angry last night as I thought about certain things and people who have upset me so much. Things are better nowadays between thee people but I still see a little bit of what used to be in them, so I became angry. I had to tell myself that that was weeks ago, or months ago, or in some case at least a year ago. Maybe some of these things I still feel went unjustly, and I have no closure? Something from months ago shouldn't still anger me. I really should just move on and not think about it anymore. Whatever happened to turning bad situations into something "we'll all laugh about someday"? Ha, I noticed I even wrote a blog about moving on after being wronged. So yeah, months later it is the hard thing to do,  but by not doing it, it is negatively affecting me. Hm. Lesson learned even this much later.

Turning in the memories.

I knew this day would come. I knew I would be upset. You would think that would prepare me. There is nothing that could have prepared me for tonight's game. The game ended, we played the fight song one last time. We proceeded to march out of the stadium to the cadence we all had grown to know. I could not fight the tears and honestly did not even want to. I and the other seniors marched as PHSC Tigers for the last time. We marched with our family for the last time. I know that I will forever be involved in marching bands, so I am not upset because marching band is over. I am sad because it is my family that I am leaving. Once we got back to the school we were asked to turn in our uniforms. There were some that took it off and hugged it, holding it close, smelling the familiar smell and cherishing the representation of the memories and accomplishments made in those purple jackets and pants. We weren't just turning in some pieces of clothing we turned in our memories. I know that all the thoughts of what has happened in the last four years of being the the PHSC marching band were going through the head of each senior. There has been so much in the past four years. We've marched in major parades, made friends, made enemies, fallen in love, broken up, played our hearts out, experienced heartbreak and bad times as well as triumphant moments and major success. I don't know if the average high school student experiences the amount of things we did in the past four years. There is not a moment I would ever throw away or a person I will ever forget. Everyone means so much to me and that is why I am upset. I'll be cheesy and steal a Disney line:

 "Ohana means family, family means nobody is left behind."

 As a family we are not graduating and leaving others behind. We will always remain in a special place in eachothers' hearts. I know there is a purple paw print on each of our hearts.

Pickerington Central

High School

Marching Tiger Band

  2007-2011

Times For Thinking

Thinking is obviously an important thing. We do it constantly whether we like it or not. Thinking times, what I am referring to, are those times where you find yourself in deep, contemplative thought. I found my self in one of those moments this evening. It could have been because of the lack of sleep, mass amounts of caffeine in my system or simply because I am alone. When these moments arise, I feel immersed in ideas and feelings and sometimes its just so much at once, I don't actually get anything done in my head. I tend to analyze my feelings over the past few days and decide to change them if I find them daunting or unnecessary. I think of what I need to do in the near future, internal and literal. I wonder, I plot, and I even scheme. Never to actually follow through with most of it usually. Sometimes my thoughts leave me feeling content and other times I feel confused. There are often times where my reflective moments leave me with emotions running high, both good and bad. I think these moments are good for me. I keep myself so incredibly busy that having a quiet moment only broken by the sound of music is a relief for me and a way to debrief. Reflective moments provide a relaxation technique, organization and preparation in my life.

Relief

I just happened to check on my blog this morning and read my last post: "Well I'm sure I'll be posting tomorrow. (I can look back to those journal and blog entries too). " (NOV 6) Oops. I was just too tired, too happy, and too relieved to write. In case you hadn't already guessed it, we got a one. After last years terrible experience, we finally got a one. We did AMAZING. I am so proud and excited. Goodness I was nervous and stressed though. It was the most amazing night. After scores were announced we all walked back to the band everyone was cheering and jumping and, yes, crying. I didn't cry as much as I'd thought. I teared up at first but began to cry later. I was laughing and hugging and crying. It was a moment full of love, craziness and happiness. The next day we watched the tape. It was truly amazing. Some of the moves didn't even look physically possible and everything sounded amazing. The last move of the video is where the sobbing I expected earlier came in. The words our center snare, Ashton, said after states while he was bawling went through my head "Its all over, it is all done and over with, we did it and this is it." Then of course they had to show pictures and video from the past trips and I cried even more thinking of the amazing experiences I've had with this marching band.

Other than the obvious happiness, love, and nostalgia I felt after states the most prominent reaction for me was relief. I have been stressed out of my mind the past few weeks. The morning of states I finally cracked. It was bad. There are certain other reasons I was ready for marching band to end. I was tired of pretending to cooperate with certain people and that one was the entire world being taken of my shoulders. I'm going to miss it, but it was time for it to end. I'll always follow the marching tigers but I'm almost excited to sit in the audience and be marveled, stress free.

Content...really?

Every year for the last four years this night is sleepless and nerve racking. I can go back and read journal entries or blogs that I'd written on this very night in years past and its always the same feeling of fear, anxiety, nerves and tension. The night before state contest. I'm writing this on that very night, only for the last time as a Marching Tiger. Its sort of sad, but somewhat relieving. Well the relief won't come until tomorrow is over but still. It is still anxious but not as sad and nostalgic as I'd expected. Tonight was alos our last game in Tiger Stadium. Mr. Sewell had the band encircle the seniors and play Amazing Grace. Sure I teared up, but I always expected to bawl like a baby. I always thought that when marching band was over I'd be so upset and I'd be the one sobbing at ever last. Something about this season has proven otherwise. I am ready for it to end. I'm not happy that it is over, but I'm simply ok with it. Maybe it was the constant tension, anger, frustration, nerves and drama that has me feeling relieved that I will be done soon. Don't get me wrong, senior year has been amazing and so much fun. I've loved marching band so much. Maybe I'm timed just right and am simply ready to be over, because it is time to be over. I wish I knew, and I almost wish I was sad. Well I'm sure I'll be posting tomorrow. (I can look back to those journal and blog entries too).
States 2010. wow.

HIT

So much has happened lately as the class of 2011's final season of marching band comes to a close. We've voted and counted Senior Favorites. We've written our Senior Wills. I've read through those who have sent their's in and tonight at practice the seniors and DEADs alone marched the first song. The first 2 months have gone by so fast that I have had no time to stop and notice: We're seniors. This is the final year. This Is It. I read some of the more 'farewell' type Senior Wills written by fellow senior band members and began to cry. I can hardly believe I will soon be leaving my friends, and band directors who have all influenced me so much. At this time I also remembered back to my freshman year. I read the Senior Wills hardly knowing anyone who wrote them and thinking about how far away that year was for me. It was so much closer than I'd thought and now more than ever I want it to be further away. But I'm not completely upset. I am happy and comforted to be standing at the end of this road with my fellow seniors who I have grown to love so dearly. I picutre us all standing in a line, arms around eachother's shoulders, with our younger band mates behind us and in a line between us and the youngins with their hands upon our shoulders'. The directors who have taught us and influenced us to become the amazing group of people we are. Just a silly little illustration but so wonderful and true.

This wonderful, sad and nostalgic reality has hit me and I'm ready to let it motivate me to make the remainder of my time accompanied by the ones I love the absolute best.