The Music of Harry Potter

I just downloaded all 8 soundtracks of the Harry Potter Saga. These movies are such a big part of my childhood and the music gives me chills. I love it. I figured it would be fun to rank and comment on each movie’s sound track.

1. / 2. A Tie between Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban (John Williams) and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Nicholas Hooper).
Prisoner of Azkaban was so new and different after the classic (but still awesome) first two. It has such a great ‘native american’ more ethnic feel. While the Dementor themes had some great Williams classical moments, the inclusion of jazzier stuff for the Knight Bus scene and playful Waltz for Aunt Marge’s theme were also a nice touch. I am sure most of this came about due to the new director. It was a nice edge to the classic John Williams sound.

Order of the Phoenix was so fun. The music in this one is so memorable and you can remember each part of the movie as you listen. From Umbridge’s Theme to the Fireworks scene, the music is very fun and quirky. I just really enjoy the music of this movie. 

3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 (Alexandre Desplat)
This music makes me tear up EVERY TIME. Many of the pieces include ‘Lily’s Theme’. The most beautiful and haunting vocal melody for these movies. This theme is almost a reminder that the end is near, which for most of us Harry Potter fans is such a memorable feeling from sitting in the theatre at midnight one last time. I love Snape’s story, so the reoccurring ‘Lily’s Theme’ that appears in the look in to his past is my absolute favorite. One of the greatest musical parts of this soundtrack is the music that accompanies the epilogue. It is the same music used when Harry leaves Hogwarts for the first time at the end of the Sorcerer’s Stone. It is such a great touch to the end of the end. 

4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (John Williams)

This brings us back to the beginning. This is where it all begins and it is so classic. While much of this soundtrack is exactly what you would expect of John Williams, it is the music we all know and love of the series. Everyone loves the musical roots of the entire saga.

5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 (Alexandre Desplat)

While this movie lacked in action compared to some, somehow Mr. Desplat kept the music driving and epic. There are some great themes and and interesting pieces. This one is just unexpectedly good. One part of the soundtrack that once again gets me, is the ‘Farewell to Dobby’. It is one of those pieces that puts you right back into the movie and brings back the emotion of that scene. 

6. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Nicholas Hooper)

Half Blood Prince had such a great variety. There were so many different themes, some bone chilling and some exciting. Dumbledore’s Farewell once again puts you into the emotion of that moment. The quality of this soundtrack as a whole is just overall good. There aren’t many pieces I dislike. 

7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (John Williams)

This soundtrack is a little too similar to the first one for my liking. I love the classic music, but in comparison, it needed something more. The two themes that I do very much enjoy are Gilderoy Lockhart’s theme and the ‘Meeting Tom Riddle’ theme. Both are just memorable and interesting.

8. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Patrick Doyle)

Just because Goblet of Fire is last doesn’t mean I dislike it, somebody has to be last. This is also my least favorite movie, but only because every other movie and soundtrack stands out to me and comes to mind first. So Goblet of Fire is the forgotten treasure. The themes of the other wizarding schools in addition to the only soundtrack with rock music are nice additions. My personal favorite part of the soundtrack is the new opening. It is a change from the ‘Hedwig’s Theme’, it is much more foreboding and I love it. 

This is the music of my childhood. I went to many premieres and loved every minute of it. John Williams, Nicholas Hooper, Alexandre Desplat and Patrick Doyle are musical geniuses. 

Prayer Power

My God is So Good

I am so amazed at how powerful prayer is and how great and mysterious God is. He can take an awful situation and make it work out for the better, he can teach you a life lesson that can change your entire outlook in a situation you see as terrible and negative. 

It is so mysterious that you pray about a situation, asking him to guide you and fix things, and then things end up better, or you learn through it. Prayer working is mysterious, but think about it. God puts many bad situations in your life in order to teach and guide you, so even before you prayed, he had the plan to teach you and has your best interest ALWAYS. 

I have never been so thankful for how wonderful and amazing my God is. I could just go on for ever, but it is class time. 

Bliss, Awakening, Comfort

Today, some friends and I went downtown to north market and Stanton's. I really love downtown columbus, I am not sure why, but I just love the large city, but still cute atmosphere. I love the upscale businesses and restaurants mixed in with quaint shops and markets. But I found myself imagining future life.
I wasn't the girl who had her whole life and wedding planned out of anything, I did not think much of my dream home or dream job, so thinking about this was odd for me, but kind of fun. I wondered why it is so pleasurable to think about your dream future and came to this conclusion:

 It is pleasurable to be in complete control. 

That's why little girls think about their weddings and some become 'bridezillas'. That is why people love games like the SIMs and playing with barbies or dolls. Any sort of role playing game in general. Even playing pretend. It allows for kids to create and control their own 'dream life'. And for those of us who are too old for things like that, we day dream and imagine exactly how we would prefer life to be in the future.
Now of course reality sets in and we realize how little control we have. That is when those of us who have faith in God who does have control feel comfort. I could not imagine not knowing who has control of my life, I cannot imagine the discomfort or fear associated with that idea.

So even after the rude awakening of reality after a daydream of my ideal future life, I can still be joyful and comforted because of my God. How good He is.

The Difference

I feel the need to put disclaimers before each of my posts... I am not sure if that is a bad thing or not. Oh Well.... DISCLAIMER: I love college, I do not really get home sick, I love the friends I have made, there are amazing people here.

I was at the high school football game where the marching band seniors are features. They get to dress up in costumes, play a show written by one of their peers, and a song from their freshman year. It is such a memorable night. Seeing it all happen for them makes me miss making all of those memories last year, miss my marching family, and talking to my old director made me miss him terribly too.

I want to do a little comparing now. My current band director is a really cool guy. He's amazing at what he does, is very musically and generally intelligent and all around great. My high school band director was great in a different way. He knew a lot about music and was a great leader, sure. But he was more to us than that. He was willing to listen if we had a problem, even not band related. He really showed that he cared about us. We could spend time with him in his office and it was no big deal. We could joke around about anything.
I am sure my new director cares about us as a band, and as a teacher cares about us as students, but it is not the same. Now, maybe because I am a freshman and don't exactly know the guy, I do not see that extra 'care factor' yet, but I don't see it between him and other students either.
 Maybe the transition from high school to college means that teachers go from educators+people who care about you, to simply just amped up educators. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. We became socialized as well as educated through k-12 school, but we came to college to get the education we need to successfully pursue the career we want. In the same way teachers in high school want you to learn but some also care about you as a child, and the professors here at college mostly just want to prepare you to be successful in a career. (More disclaimer: some do seem to care beyond our academic and career success, but I am going by the faculties as wholes. ) 

That extra factor that I saw in my directors and teachers, that I want to show to my future students, is just another thing to miss.

Surprises and Not So Much

It is not surprising whatsoever that I am writing randomly after a long break of forgetting, business, lack of concentration and other lame excuses for not writing. The topic of my post however is extremely surprising. I usually write about deep thoughts inspired by struggles or conversations. I usually vaguely reference certain people in my life, or discuss worries about my future.
To make things more surprising, you must know something about me. I have always absolutely despised math. I have been terrible at it, I dread doing it and I have just never understood the concepts.
If you are able to put two and two together (Ha! math reference), you have now realized that I am writing about math. (take this moment to gasp, reread to make sure you saw correctly, and hopefully be extremely intrigued to further read).
Not to be disappointing, but I am going to write a post inspired by math, rather than spitting out a bunch of numbers and fancy mathematical terms.
I am currently taking The Nature of Mathematics, and so far I have enjoyed the class. We have studied the background information of mathematical concepts and abstract ideas. I have begun to realize that in order to keep from losing your head in that class, you must simply accept what the professor says as complete truth, even if your logic screams otherwise.
This idea of just dropping all of your logic to better understand the class has shown me what my problem was with math all of these years.
As I've probably touched on before, I rely heavily on logic and reasoning, I cannot let it go, and as you can see: I solved my math failure problem. I'd call that a good day.

Looking Back; A Reminder

On October 4th, 2009 at 2:29 PM I began this blog. Today, September 15, 2011 I went back and read nearly every post. 

I had been thinking a lot about some things and needed to go back and reference some dates. Well that mission turned into some homesickness towards my beloved high school marching band, so I read many of those band related posts. This mission resulted in looking back at posts that really show who I was, who I have become and how that all happened.

It is so interesting to dwell on that. How different I was, what I've done, what I've worried about, what I've enjoyed, what I've struggled with, what I've thought. Noticing little changes in my thinking, temperament, and overall life. I have developed in how I view people, how I feel about many topics and my confidence in my beliefs and feelings is so much stronger now.

Some things still remain the same though. My writing style has always been the way it is now. I use lists, metaphors, hypothetical situations and cliches ALWAYS. I guess that gives my writing it's own little personality though. I'm a Music Ed. Major! What does it matter anyway? (That was some of my 'grown up' college sarcasm for ya!).

While many things changed, the things that remained the same and just became stronger and more confident grew even more after reading. Going back and looking at my life is a reminder of who I am and who I have become. I forget and lose myself in the rush of life and whatever my current problem or struggle is. It is the little reminders like this that I need to bring back my confidence in who I am:


1. Sarah Elizabeth Shively
2. Christian
3. Daughter and Sister
4. Friend
5. Musician
6. Student


I am driven, strong, loving, confident, organized, fun-loving, talented, passionate, and now that I remember that, I do no plan on forgetting it and I am going to take on the world... But first I'm going to take on my Music Theory homework....

And in case my plan goes astray and I do forget a bit of myself, that's what this blog is for. Take that for writing motivation!

"Here I go, and there's no turning back, my great adventure has begun!

I may be small, but I've got giant plans, to shine as brightly as the sun.

I will blaze until I find my time and place, I will be fearless! surrendering modesty and grace.

I will not disappear without a trace. 

I'll shout and start a riot, be anything but quiet. Christopher Columbus, I'll be Astonishing.

Astonishing.

ASTONISHING...AT LAST."

- Jo March, Little Women the Musical

(Somehow this Musical has meant so much to me in every situation)

Call Me Emotional But...

There is something about marching in my college band and not with my Tiger Band family that stirs up swelling emotion inside of me.
I sat in the bleachers at our first performance today, thought back on competitions before and looked down at my red uniform. All I could think was that I wished it was the purple and white I'd worn before. Thinking about the love I have for the family that gave me my first 4 years of musical experience, I teared up. Right there in all of the excitement and fun, I just teared up and thought back on the group I love so dearly.
I went to a Tigers game last weekend too. Watching the show was cool, hugging old friends was great, but the rain drove the band inside and I followed. They began to play pep tunes as loud as they could in the cement tunnel rousing up the student section. It was little spontaneous moments and memories like that I miss so much. Once again, amidst excitement, I began to cry.
I don't understand how I can adjust so well to school, and not feel one bit of homesickness, but once I'm in a band rehearsal here, a new form of home sickness happens and I can't help but wish my High School director was up on the tower, and I was amidst a sea of purple, not red.
Now before someone here at school gets upset, I don't have anything against this college band, it just isn't my family, or a replacement for my family. I can say, "maybe one day", but right now that seems impossible. The Tiger Band is my band family; past, present, and future.

Back Again.... I Hope.

This happens so often, I go on a blogging kick and write almost daily, and then I forget about it for a month or two. And here I am back again with the desire to write.
Ironically enough, I want to write about cycles.
 I feel like there are so many cycles in our lives that never change. Some cycles provide good routine and create good habits, but sometimes cycles have a negative hold on us.
Sometimes the mundane and usual cycles in life bore us. Other times we get too comfortable with a cycle and we become too afraid to break free and try new things. The worst scenario is when you are stuck in a cycle that is a constant movement from positive to negative and you have no clue as to how to get out. You know you should and would love to break free of the cycle, but you just don't know how to go about that. I guess it takes a lot of effort, thought, and prayer to find your way out of cycles like that.

Well, we'll see if I can break this cycle of writing-not writing-writing-not writing-...etc. as well as some others.

Heartless = Hurt-less?

Today, someone told me I am heartless and have no emotions. Of course, it was not as harsh as it sounds, because they were just speaking in reference to the fact that I did not cry at some silly 'tear-jerker' movie. But still, there may be some truth to what they said. I have never really been one to express emotion or become easily upset or excited over something. Emotional movies or sappy sad love songs have never really gotten to me, I am not affected by them. Sad true stories will rarely bring up strong emotion either.

Perhaps part of the reason is that I have never experienced extreme troubles in my life, so I do not relate so much. I have never lost a loved one, I have never had my heart broken, and nothing too terrible has really happened to me. I consider myself extremely lucky, but I also wonder if that is what leaves me lacking that emotional and sympathetic nature.

Being less-than-emotional is part of who I am, and I do not think it is an all bad part of my personality. I believe it is evidence that I am a strong person. I think it is a good thing I am not reduced to tears just because a character in a movie died a tragic death. I think if it is difficult to upset me, that will be good for when I do face trials at some point in my life that I can remain strong and not get upset over things. By not being upset and emotional, I can keep a clear head and continue to think logically while others may be blinded by raw emotion or too upset to even function.

While I do believe my ability to surpass emotion and remain level-headed is a strength, it still hurts a little to be told I have no emotions. I definitely think I have PLENTY of emotions, I feel like in the past few months especially I have felt a wide range of very strong emotions. I think I just have found emotions to be very dangerous when they are too strong or uncontrolled. I have found that you should be the one in control of your own emotions, not someone else, and your emotions should never have total control over you. So maybe my restraint of emotion comes off as being 'heartless' to others, but in the end I do believe it benefits myself.

What is This Feeling?

I've opened this page, stared at the blank text box and closed it about seven times now... I have a heavy feeling to write something, but I cannot seem to put what I want to say in words. The only words I can think of sound too extreme for how I feel, but it is all I have. I guess what I am trying to say is take how I describe my feelings lightly, it is not quite as severe as it sounds, but here I go...

I am a pretty easy going person, I can have a good time with just about anyone. There are definitely those people who just get on my last nerve, but i can usually handle it. Not only can I have a good time with just about anyone, I can have a really great time with my usual group of friends that I am beyond comfortable with. They are so much fun on all occasions. I have been having great times with them and still do, but something is just different. While I am having a wonderful time and enjoying myself, I feel like I do not belong, I actually feel alone in a crowd of people. I don't even know where this comes from but that is how things have become. I guess it could be that I am in a transition period from the same people all of the time to beginning again with a whole new group of friends and the fact that I am so comfortable with this leaves me uncomfortable with the old. I still like being around them and crave to do so more often, but as they grow closer (and will continue to do so), I drift.

I am about ninety percent sure this all has do with change. We are changing direction, as people we are changing and therefor our friendships are changing. I have gone through this before, change is difficult but good. I feel like I know that well enough now I should not even notice the difficulty of change, but here I am again. I will enjoy my time with friends as much as possible in the short amount of time I have left, and still have great times. I can only hope that this feeling of loneliness subsides.

Happy Fourth of July

I know, it is not July 4th just yet, but my state's capital is celebrating today so that is why I chose the title. And no, I am not going to write a generic entry about pride or patriotism, not exactly.

The Fourth of July was never a big deal to me or my family really. We would go to the parade, have a cook out, watch fireworks and play with sparklers. It was still an exciting day for us kids. Especially as summer started to get boring, it was a break from our monotonous visits to the pool, lazy days around the house, and nights of kickball in the court.

Today, fourth of July is even less exciting. Fireworks hardly are impressive, and my over-exposure to patriotic music in high school has caused for lack of appreciation in that area as well. As a music person I can listen to a well played Sousa march or American jazz band classics, but I have played my way through 'Stars and Stripes Forever' and 'Armed Forces Salute' enough times that I could sing you my exact part, note for note.

There is one part of high school that kept the frail and faint flame of patriotism alive in me: The annual Jazz Band & Chorale trip to our nations capital. We kept plenty busy visiting sights and museums, which is interesting but the main goal of our trips was to go into the retirement homes and centers for veterans to spend time with them and entertain them with patriotic pieces and tunes from their era. The appreciation those veterans had for our visits was so touching, after all they had done for us and their country. I can still remember the final performance my Junior year, we played a show on a cramped stage in one retirement home. Our director spoke about how those older folks in the audience are part of "The Greatest Generation", and one feeble old man struggled to stand and declared, "NO! I believe that they", pointing to us, "Are the greatest generation." Tears filled most of our eyes at the endearing statement from someone who chose to put his life in danger so that we could safely grow up and learn the music we were playing that day. It is small memories like that, not necessarily fireworks, floats or flags, that keep patriotism alive for me.

It Has Been Far Too Long...

I have taken a break from writing (excluding the post a few days ago), well it has been more than a break, it has been a full blown long period of neglect. The end of my high school career, including many events taking place in celebration, came and went and I hardly said a thing of it. It was a stressful month or two, resulting in bronchitis and lack of sleep. It was all well worth it in the end.

Now, my plan isn't just to update the 'ole blog, but to start it up again. It is summer time, I do not have much to do, and I want to at least be semi-productive. I also feel the need for a creative and intellectual outlet again. Something I've missed lately.

To kick off my 'new beginning' I'm just going to post random thoughts that have been on my mind, nothing I will really elaborate on, just things to jot down and maybe pull out on a rainy day. And it is sort of a jump back to the old routine, writing in list form again ;)

1. Learning about yourself can be more interesting than any subject. Not in a vain way, saying that one should believe they are more interesting than someone else, but when you learn something about yourself you are learning and realizing something that has been true all along and right in front of you. The revealing of that one thing can be mind-boggling.
2. Type A personalities, such as myself, really need to take time to learn and relax. I couldn't handle a week of nothing but going to the beach, but it would be good for me if I could.
3. Voices of reason are all around us, in other people. It is extremely hard to know which to listen to. One voice of reason people often overlook is themselves, such as the warnings they give themselves. The one voice you can always know to listen to, and therefor can be used to compare all other 'voices of reason' to is none other than God. And boy, does that make things easier when you learn to just listen.
4. When you do the right, but most difficult, thing in a situation it is so painful, we all know that. The feeling that comes after that pain is what is so rewarding. You feel empowered, relieved, stronger, wiser and that you've learned something and grown from that experience. It challenges you to keep your eyes open for the harder but better choices in all situations.
5. Before, I always thought new beginnings, changes, and being away from home was the scariest thing I could imagine, but as college draws closer and I only know 3 other people going to the same school, I could not be more excited. I am actually thrilled by the fact that I am going to be finding a new group of friends and starting over. I have some of the greatest friends in the entire world now, and they have really made me who I am today but I am ready for the next chapter. This feeling of readiness has made the drifting of some friendships and complete breaking of others alright for me. I am at peace with what has happened and is happening because I am actually okay with the transition.
6. As you change, you surprise yourself. In continuation of thought 5, I never ever thought that I would be good with change. I thought that would be a problem I would always have, but I have really surprised myself with how content I am in this change. I am relieved that I feel so prepared, I did not want to struggle with all the change going on around me. I hope that is a sign of growing up and not just lack of caring.

I will hopefully write more, and hopefully gain some more habitual readers. I'd really appreciate feedback. If you don't want to comment you can always email me too. seshively@insight.rr.com

An Over-Used Metaphor: The Roller Coaster of Life

The metaphor has been used billions of time: "Life is like a roller coaster, it has ups and downs, low points and high points, etc.", but it is interesting how this same metaphor can be used in much more specific aspects when thinking over life concepts. It is pretty neat how the way to describe something can be revealed to you in the idea and psychology of a theme park ride.

For me, roller coasters have not always been 'okay', I used to be mortified and would not ride a single one. I have finally gotten over that fear and will ride NEARLY all of them. There are certain 'hills' I just cannot seem to get myself over. The slight fear of heights and uncomfortable feeling of going uphill may do the trick. The thoughts going through one's head throughout the entire ride do a good job of putting into perspective the idea of fear.

 For me, the long line leading up to a ride I have not ridden in a while or at all begins to psych me out, but I feel comfortable because you can back out at any point, you are still in control. Sure you might get laughed at for chickening out, but you are not at the mercy of the coaster just yet. The closer you get the more nervous you get due to the closing window of escape, yet that window seems more and more tempting. Once you have entered the station and sit down in the car, buckle the seat belt and wait to be slowly dragged up the treacherous chain hill you are at the point of no return and that is when fear hits a high point. I become on edge, I require that my riding partner talks to me the entire way up the hill to distract me from my increasing fear and discomfort. Once the hill is over and the train is sent plummeting towards the earth and twisted and flipped every direction I am able to fully enjoy the ride and adrenaline rush that comes along.

I would consider myself a mental and emotional claustrophobic, I need to always have an escape route or plan b. I need to feel in control of myself and the situation at hand. That, not only on rides, but in life is what psychs me out. Conquering fear takes getting over that first hill. It may be good for some to just get over all fear at once and do it, but I have found that slowly testing my tolerance levels have been a better method of enjoying rides. Some hills I am just not ready to get over yet, and it is the same way in life. I am just not ready to get over some of those fears yet, I have tried and will continue to test tolerance levels and inch towards buckling down and sticking it out for adrenaline and excitement hiding behind that tormenting, steep, stressful, hill.

A look at my written past

It is 10:00PM on May 25th, 2011. Tomorrow is the last day I will go through my 9 period day as a high school student. It is completely surreal. I cannot even wrap my head around the idea or acknowledge that it is happening. I'm taking some time to reflect on some things. I plan on spending my day tomorrow, going through all of the memories each location and thing in the school holds.

I found some journals today that I had written in my early high school years. I thought I'd post some excerpts.

"We had our first football game, it was the most amazing night of my life. I just love all the band kids. I can tell that we're going to become so close." -Boy was I right.

"Our first away game was AMAZING. I actually enjoyed the game. The bus ride was hilarious and the BEAT was sooo funny. We won in double overtime. After the win, it began to rain. The lights made it look like snow. The football players kneeled in a group as we played amazing grace. It was one of those perfect moments in life. In that moment, I realized how much I love this band. " - I still remember this moment clearly to this day. I stopped playing and let the sound of the rest of the band I have grown to love and the sight of the purple around me, 'snow' rain falling under the stadium lights and football team huddled in celebration. It really was a small perfect moment in time and I realized what I love. I didn't know it then, but that's when my slow and subtle journey towards my decision to follow music began.

"States: Amazing, scary, nerve racking. "Pickerington Central your overall band rating is....ONE!" Pandemonium, it was amazing!. I will forever remember this moment." - Yes, I do, vividly.

I wrote those statements a little over 4 years ago. And those feelings still remain the same, perhaps stronger. Tonight at the dedication of our Rose Parade plaque, I was reminded of how much I love the family and how even after we leave, we are still a part of that family. I was moved close to tears, I know I will loose it and bawl like a baby, probably on senior night, but to leave the family I have had and loved for 4 years as well as my true family is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do

Boiling Frustration

I have four days left. I have completely checked out and that attitude has creeped into every aspect of my life. I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I am so ready to be done that I do not even want to be around the people I have been around for years. I have developed this inexplicable irritability that I cannot seem to get rid of. I feel overwhelmed, I am so done, and it is hot outside, all of this is driving me crazy and I just want to SCREAM. At no one in particular, but I just want to let it all out. I just want to live one month with nothing to worry about at all.

Morning

I hate mornings. Some people think of them as the new beginning, sunrises, getting the day started, etc. I think of mornings as a rude awakening, exhaustion, awful reminders, and monotonous routines.

Here is how my usual mornings go: Wake up, look at my phone and read messages I missed from the previous night (this is usually because I fall asleep mid conversation), remember things I should have done yesterday, add those to my list of things to do today, go through my schedule for the day, get ready, yawn around 40 times, go on my way.

It's the same boring routine every day, and there isn't much I can change. I instantly have a very negative outlook on things in the morning, even things I had a positive view on the night before. I don't know where it comes from, maybe being tired or half awake and lazy, but it's there; Plenty of negativity to go around.

Summer mornings are a little different, because I get to lay around and do nothing most mornings and just let the negativity and hatred for mornings simmer away and disappear completely. Thank goodness summer is coming soon.

Simple Happiness

Different things make different people happy. When those things conflict, happiness is so hard to reach and it is one of the most frustrating, disappointing and even depressing things. When that point of simple happiness is reached it is so relieving. It isn't that you are the happiest you've ever been, but that fact that you are able to be happy after a long period of unhappiness is what feels so wonderful. Just to be able to have a simply happy good time feels like the most wonderful thing in the world. One must be careful to not  let happiness blind you from underlying problems and subtle issues, but also not be so aware and defensive so to not enjoy the happiness.

Discrepancy

We all get friendships. A friend is someone who is there for you, you enjoy their company, spend time with, talk to, laugh with, trust, respect and love a certain way. We all have friends and some have what they consider "best friends". Some have a circle of close knit friends, while others have many friends that they do not truly know.

Relationships are also quite common to those young and old. In high school there are boyfriends and girlfriends, later in life, husbands and wives. There relationships are defined by a more physical and emotional commitment. You have the same trust, respect, enjoyment as a friend but there is something deeper in the way you feel towards that person. By saying you are their 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' you commit to that deeper part of the relationship with them and only them. The same goes for marriage, except that is life bonding. (Should be that is)

Now it seems like there is a basic fundamental line between being in a relationship and a friendship, but it seems there is such an in between state, but is it ok? Let us call it 'relationship x'. You do not quite have a relationship but you are definitely more special than just friends. There is commitment, but loose commitment. The commitment is there mostly because you cannot imagine hurting the other. Relationship x lacks the publicity of a real relationship, whether it be on purpose or by chance.

The way you love someone in this 'relationship x' will show which side of the problem you are coming from. If you love them the same way you love your best friend, you see the relationship as an EXTREMELY strong friendship, and generally fear it becoming anything more. If you love that person in a romantic unconditional way, then you see the relationship as a hopeful future commitment.

Now everything is fine and dandy if both parties see this special in-between relationship the same way. It is when there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy that problems arise. One friend falls for another and that is when all emotional turmoil is released. Feelings are hurt, hopes are crushed, worries constantly hinder the mind, fighting happens. Because of all of the results of discrepancy in relationship x, only the strong can survive there. Those who's relationship is strong enough and both parties involved are strong enough can last through this state of relational being. Those who are not strong enough allow one party to settle on one side of the fence or another, leaving someone and eventually both people unhappy.

Communication, Change, Credence

Everything happens for a reason. Certain things happening are God's way of communicating with us, teaching us a lesson, or guiding us in the right direction. While you may seem upset about something, and emotions run high and pain cuts deep, finding meaning and a message through painful change is what makes you a better person.

As I near the final days of high school, so much change is happening, and more on top of that. Being a scheduled and organized person, I hated change. If it was not in the 'routine' I would freak out and not accept it. I think God has used the many changes in my life to communicate that change is good, and starting anew in the next chapter of my life is a good thing. I have no need to be sad. He has used inspiration through others and situations among some to place a few realizations in my life and I could not be more appreciative.

Change can absolutely be scary. Not knowing what happens next, how to handle the next situation, not understanding the massive amount of emotions swelling in your heart. Change is stressful, trying to cope and make smooth transition is a difficult thing. Faith is necessary to make it through change. A leap of faith may be better than creating a 'smooth' transition in change. Change is hard to understand, but finding the purpose in change helps.

Credence is another word for purpose, meaning, or reason. I just needed another 'C' word for the title (thank you thesaurus.com). Finding that purpose and meaning in all of the change is what makes the pain and emotion worthwhile. Even the simple fact of knowing there is reason for pain or change, even without knowing what that is, is comforting. Finally connecting the many changes and understanding, or what I think is understanding is the most refreshing, comforting feeling of relief I may have ever felt in my entire life. I am happy.

The Missing 'to-do'

I have spent my day getting things done and going about my usual routine, and yet, something seems wrong. I have checked my 'to-do' list twice and everything that can be done this evening is finished. I have practiced all afternoon, I do not have any homework, what could be left? I feel like something needs done, but I cannot put my finger on it. Something about my day feels incomplete. I think back and I have completed every part of my routine, I left nothing out. This inexplicable feeling is not a great one to have. Hopefully I figure it out and do whatever needs done...

Reality Slap in the Face

61

Think about that number. It seems like a pretty big number when you talk about how many pairs of shoes you own, or in comparison to the number 4. Now think of the number in terms of dollars or days. That makes the number 61 seem so small and insignificant.

For a while I have been saying that graduation seems so far away and I cannot wait. Today it hit me that having only 61 days left is startling. I have a short 61 days to live out anything I ever wanted to do in high school, to have the luxury of waking up and seeing the people I love. I have 61 days until I am no longer under the shelter of being a student. I know I do not really gain much responsibility by graduating, but it is just that feeling though. I have to wonder, am I ready? Have I done all that I wanted to do? I started out the year thinking, "oh, I'm going to be that girl who cry at every last...", then I changed and caught senioritis. Now, I'm back to dreading the idea of it all being over. There are people I cannot stand the idea of leaving. It is going to be so hard. I am excited for the future, but I just want to hold on a little bit longer. 61 days does not seem long enough to make the best of what I have left. But I will try to make the best of it.

Lack of Patience

I am the post impatient person. I want immediate results, I do not like to wait around, and waiting is the most frustrating and aggravating thing to me. The fact that I have to wait for my mouth to heal so I can play my clarinet is driving me insane. Waiting for financial information from colleges is obnoxious to me. Worst of all, after choosing to do something a certain way, or handle a problem, I cannot stand the idea of waiting to see if what I did was the right thing. I wish as soon as I make a decision either a giant buzzer would go off telling me 'BEEP YOU ARE WRONG!', or confetti would burst out of no where telling me, 'Correct!'. I know it is stupid, but I am impatient, that is one of my endless list of flaws. More of those to come.

Problems

How do you find solutions to life's problems? It has always just happened before. I always seemed to stumble upon the solution, figure it out with ease, or just move on because the problem became insignificant to me. How do you know if a problem is even worth solving? How do you know that the process of finding a solution and fixing things is not going to be harder than the problem itself? I have never really been stuck with no idea how to solve something. There are some options, but none of them seem right. How do you know a solution is the right one? Do you really have to try in and just wait, hoping and praying that you chose correctly? Is there no way to solidify your decision. A process of elimination maybe? What if the answer as to whether a solution was a good one or not doesn't come for ages? Then the possibility of being wrong eats away at you constantly for such a long time. I guess that is how you know if a problem is worth solving, if the solution and finding it really bothers you that much.

 I guess this is all how you learn from new experiences. Just making a decision to fix something a certain way, if it doesn't work, you know not to do that next time. Too bad it could just ruin everything forever.

Sarah Lesson #87: My ideas, my Feelings, interpret your own and leave mine alone.

It angers me so much when someone tries to tell me how I feel or what I mean. You can take what I say however you please, but when you try and tell me how I feel about something, that is completely ignorant. When I say something, I generally have a reason to say it, even if it is because I am acting on emotion. Usually I try and refrain from saying anything too important when under the influence of extreme emotion. When I feel a certain way about something, I have certain reasons as to why I feel that way. (Using my head to think and heart to feel for 18 years now, I think I have pretty good knowledge about myself)I have those reasons, you don't get to choose what they are just to send me on a guilt trip, change my mind, or make me sound awful. Putting words in to my mouth, thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart is one way to get  on my bad side. If you would like to be a friend of mine, that is a good lesson to learn.

Time for Healing

In the process of emotional or even physical healing, the one aspect you absolutely need is time. Sure, other things will help and make the process a little less painful(although the phrase "no pain, no gain" cannot be forgotten). Without allowing for time, you can never heal. Everything else that feels necessary, those are just catalysts for the process. Love, therapy, medicine, dialogue...

Time can be a test in your process though, and you need certain things to withstand that test. Emotional strength, patience, trust, an outlet or someone to confide in are things to help you survive the time it takes for healing. You need to be able to remain stable emotionally and mentally, you need to let the time go by and relax, you need to trust that healing will come. Your outlet or source of confidence can be a pen and piece of paper, prayer, even your cat if you don't have anyone to talk to. Bottling up emotions over time is  counter-productive to the time given for healing.

Even if it seems like the healing will never be complete, and you will never be ok, be patient and strong. Time will bring peace and healing.

Bliss is a Mask of an Ignorant lifestyle.

Reality is painful but you cannot just run away. By running away and living life in a fantasy world, you will only cause the pain to worsen once the harsh reality sets in. When I tackle a to-do list, I do one thing at a time to slowly get it done. I don't ignore the reality of what needs to be done and let things pile up. You cannot sit in the happy corner of your brain and live ignorantly forever. Eventually the problems you've been blissfully ignoring will pile up and when the time comes, you will not be able to handle them.

Living ignorantly is self-destructive behavior masked by bliss.

Time: The Blessing Turned to a Curse

Time is one of those things that is just so complex and yet so simple, so important and yet so silly, so perfect and yet we hate it. I was told once that you know something is important to a culture when there are so many words for it, or ways to describe it. Time is so important to modern, especially American society. We are always worrying about what time it is, when we will do something, how fast or slow our day seems to be going, how we plan out our time, how long it takes for something to happen. We worry about timing, or lack there-of, and everyone, myself included, is so extremely impatient. Other cultures take time for daily siesta or self-reflection time, while us Americans refuse to give up our precious time for anything that seems 'unimportant'.

Has no one come to the conclusion that all of this worrying and thinking about our time, is actually taking up more time than taking the time to relax and do nothing? We are only given so much time of this earth. We are blessed with a mere average of 70-some years, we curse ourselves with constant business and monotony. What is the problem with taking a moment to just enjoy something whether it be nature, thoughts, the company of another, time to pray or meditate, or even a little extra sleep? Sure it takes time away from, 'important' things, but in the end, what is 'important?

I feel terribly hypocritical writing this, because I am the most guilty person I know when it comes to being busy, scheduling every moment of my life, never being spontaneous or choosing enjoying myself over 'important' things. But I am not writing just to other people or American society, I am also writing to  myself. Taking leisure time and stopping hustle-and-bustle is a lesson I, most of all, need to learn. Scheduling, planing and organizing, (three of my favorite every-day words) will help me be successful, but will it help me be truly happy? The funny thing about that is, as I write I argue with myself, saying, "I am happy when I schedule, plan and get things done! I get a thrill from it!", and sure I do enjoy those things, but my happiness lacks the simplistic, fun, spontaneous, warmth that comes from doing something unexpected, relaxing, and enjoying life as is.

So Much in So Little Time

It has been about 3 weeks since I have last written, and I can hardly believe how much has happened in that short amount of time. Yes, in comparison to how often I usually write, that is a long time, but the amount of things that have happened, both good and bad, seems like it should have been a year. To fill you in, I even need to take out my planner to remind myself and get the timeline straight!

1. Senioritis is worse than ever. I find reasons to NOT do everything... I have zero patience for immaturity, stupidity, high school, or anything for that matter. I long for college. I can hardly stand the amount of wait I still have.

2. I feel like with certain friends with whom I thought I was drifting from, things are getting better. I have had chances to hang out, we talk a lot more and do a lot more. I think we have all sort of realize the slowly dwindling amount of time we have left with each other and we are learning to cherish it.

3. College decision is close, I can feel it. I have gotten all of my scholarship offers and after this week will have experienced a little bit more of some schools. I cannot wait to send in those papers and be able to answer the commonly asked question: "Where are you going to college?". That will be one of the biggest reliefs I have ever felt.

4. I am surprised I did not write last weekend. I was more frustrated than I have ever been. I got my wisdom teeth out, was in so much pain, could not eat anything, and on top of that I was the most emotionally stressed I have ever been. I guess it was too much to write and the situation was still developing, and I did a lot of sitting and thinking and took lots of medicine. I now can eat normal foods, now I only wait to play the clarinet again! It is driving me mad.

5. I learned A LOT over the last few weeks. I learned that friendship is one of the most important things you can have. I learned that texting is not proper communication. I learned that without face to face conversation, our generation doesn't know how to properly communicate. I learned that you need to get past reputations and accept people for who they are and what they mean to you. I learned that the phrase 'I Love You' is scary and gets tossed around way too much. I learned that I panic easily. I learned that relationships and commitment scare me. I learned that I am an indecisive person. I learned that sometimes  planning ends up in disappointment. I learned that you shouldn't just act on raw emotion. I learned that you shouldn't over analyze feelings either. I learned that there are certain people I need to be more thankful for. I learned that crying can be good. I learned that I am not a great friend. I learned that I take advantage of certain friends. I learned that emotional situations can do bad things and good things.

Regardless of the crazy, emotional, stressful, hard, awful things that happened this week, I will take so much from it and grow as a person and mostly as a friend. 


Thank you, you know who you are.

A Nation of Frustration

I have been so frustrated lately, with so many things, large and small and so many people, close and irrelevant. What is happening in our state now that Senate Bill 5 is on its way to being passed, important aspects of education that discourage my future are being demolished, I am being kept from doing what I want, I cannot make a decision to save my life, no matter what I do, I am constantly tired, I feel a little bit jiped in my senior year, certain people continue to get on my last nerve and get what I want, people are just doing little things, that frustrate me in a BIG way. I guess I just love to complain and maybe I am looking for things to complain about so the frustrating things are extremely evident to me. Maybe I am just upset because things do not go my way, and I am a control freak... I just had to vent. What's new?

Letters

In case you haven't noticed, I failed the letter project. I am so far behind I would have to write about 3 letters a week to catch up. I have come to the conclusion that the letter project was draining to my creativity. I have almost every aspect and moment of my life planned out..It is how I am. I need to loosen up a bit and I figure, why should my creative outlet be planned and organized? Creativity cannot be planned or structured, it is full of spontaneity. So I will discontinue the letter project for now. I may use a few of the prompts in the coming months as graduation approaches. There are some good ones I was saving for last.

Conflict

I feel like every influence, thought, and part of my life is in conflict with eachother. It isn't that anything is wrong or bad, but I just feel like I am being told different things. It all mostly relates to this whole college thing. I have gone to many people for advice. I have asked directors, teachers, parents and peers about what they think... Top answers include: Make a pros and cons chart, Go by who has the best _____, I would pick _____, then of course there is the ever so popular: Go with your gut. Well I started out with the pros and cons chart. This was an extremely detailed and organized pros and cons chart of epic proportions. Any category you could think to rate a college on, it was there. I was proud of my work until I added everything up... It wasn't very helpful. Different people told me to base my choice off of different things, and each of those conflicted. One college has my favorite clarinet professer, the other my favorite music program, another has the best price, the other has the best location... and the categories go on and continue to conflict. So the most popular answer... Go with your gut, listen to your heart, trust in your instinct. I am convinced I do not have a gut. There is no organ inside of me that holds unconcious secret truths that I actually know, but don't know I know... Yeah that sounds clear right? Another problem with that decision making process... When did I become a college expert? How do I know where the best place is? I do not exactly feel qualified to be trusted to make the perfect decision. That is just it, whichever college I choose won't be the perfect choice. There is no perfect choice, no matter where I pick, I am going to have reasons I could have and should have picked another college. I will just have to be happy with whatever I end up with and find the positive in that choice. I will be fine once the choice is made and the next chapter starts... but getting there is the hardest part. I probably stress over this more than I should. I have said it before, I am too planned out and organized, I can't handle being spontaneous or living  without my choices and future completely planned out. That is something I am going to need to grow out of... I would be less uptight and less of a perfectionist too.

Gotta love a good Sunday night rant to start the week...

Targeting Built-up Frustration and it's Source

In a bad situation, it is usually easy to know who you are angry with. Sometimes, it isn't so easy to discern between who you choose to direct your anger to and who you should direct your anger to. Many times, this is because it is hard to be angry with the person you should be angry with, but being angry with someone else is easy, especially when justifiable. If you're angry, you'd think it is easy to be angry with anyone involved, but that is not the case. When someone you love, look up to, respect and care for is who you should be angry with, you don't want to be angry, so you direct your anger elsewhere. If someone you've never liked, who has wronged you time and time again and has many times before been the source of your anger is part of the situation, they become a very easy target. One would read this and think, why just not be angry? If it is harder to be angry and the 'culprit' then why redirect it and be angry at all? Answer: I am human. The anger and frustration has to come out somehow and if I don't care how much my relationship with the target crumbles, then why not? It isn't like I act out irrationally in anger, or cause any harm. I just personally relieve stress and frustration to myself. No harm, no foul

Indecision 2011, Update

I am extremely happy that I am done with auditions. Going from school to school each weekend, playing pieces and taking tests was one of the most stressful, tiring and time consuming things I have ever done. Unfortunately the ending of that process leads to the beginning of a new process, that has the potential to be even more stressful. Making the decision.

I've done all a future college students is supposed to do prior to picking their school, and I feel just as far away from a decision as before, if not confused even further. I have loved different things about each school so far, there are very few cons to them. I even did a chart with different categories and ranked each school... All of the scores were too close to make a call. I hate pros and cons lists with these sorts of things. Something that seems like a con can actually be a pro if looked at differently, I would just over-analyze those lists.
I know I can't make a final decision just yet, I am missing one very important component...Scholarships. It has to play a part in my decision, but I just want to make it already! I guess I'll be checking the mail a lot in the next few weeks.

As I've written this and spewed out my feelings on the whole situation, I thought about something. When writing papers I find it best to write it, leave it alone for a day or two and come back and you will notice so many things to edit and improve after taking a break from it. What if I try that with my decision? I've done my chart, what if I try taking a week off of college thinking, and come back to my chart and re look over things. A week would give my feelings about colleges a chance to sink in, as well as some scholarship letters to arrive. Plus, I am done with auditions and it is my birthday this week. Why not relax and have a great time? I think I have earned it.

Boys wear blindfolds, Girls wear glasses

It is an interesting metaphor, and maybe I came up with it out of frustration, but it seems so true. I feel like I and most other girls I know have great people-reading skills and intuition, while with guys it seems like the most obvious things are invisible. This observation could come from the fact that I am an over-analyzer and so in comparison to myself, most boys seem blind to the blatant facts. Its pretty frustrating to constantly drop hints about something, and you want to ask, "Do you not understand how I feel?", but you have to stop and realize, 'no, they don't know how you feel.' No one told them, you hold the missing piece to the puzzle and that's why it seems so obvious to yourself. Because us girls over-analyze and make effort to understand people, we have to be patient and tolerant of those who are not as quick and observant.

Excuses

I am behind, I know that. I rarely post anymore and haven't written a letter in ages... I know I shouldn't be making excuses and all but I'm gonna have to... I need to justify myself.

I have been busy. I am 3/4s of the way through my audition process and decision time is coming too fast. I am not ready to make a decision yet. School is piling up and my schedule is refilling itself from the past empty month.

I have no motivation. I feel completely unmotivated in not only the blog but EVERYTHING. I cannot get myself to get up and do my hair or make myself look nice for school. I cannot get myself to clean my room or do assignment. Senioritis is bad.

I am lazy. Senioritis also does this to you. Sorry.

My Current State of Mind: A Diagnosis

Something got me thinking today, I don't really see what because there is no clear correlation between things said or done that could have provoked it. I could not focus on anything today because my mind was constantly running on self-evaluation mode, the way a computer is so much slower when it is virus scanning or backing up. My brain was going through each idea, thought, event and area of my current life and I was assessing every situation, feeling, possibility and idea. Here is some of the diagnosis brought to my attention.

Senioritis, it is real, it will infect everyone, I have come down with it bad. I never expected myself to be the one counting down the days, constantly saying I cannot wait for college and complaining about how much I dislike high school. I always thought I had a very strong connection with PHSC and I am such a sentimental memory loving person. I used to cry at all of the 'lasts', even when they were not my own. I am straying more and more from this nostalgic state of holding on, I have begun to move on. I strive and hope for bigger and better things. I feel ready, I even long for time and motivation to practice, freedom, music classes and mostly for something new. I think I have grown bored with my current school life.

I long for love. Yes, tomorrow is valentines day and I will most likely post something sappy tomorrow. It is only to be expected. I do not plan on elucidating much on this, but I am lonely. I know I do not need a guy to be happy, because I am happy. I have got my eyes set on some, but I just wish it were easier. No need to console or poke fun at me here. Just a thought.

I need to be more decisive. I am in the midst of making one of the biggest decisions of my life, and I am the most indecisive people I know. I can hardly make a decision as to which top to buy at forever 21, let alone which institution will provide me with the rest of my education and shape who I am as a person and hopefully director. I am ready for the decision to be over with, I am tired of answering the 'Have you chosen your college' question with, 'I do not know yet, I am choosing between _____, ______, ______, and ______. I have not chosen because __________ and I like _______ because of _______' and so on.... I am ready to have made a decision, but I am not ready to actually make the decision.

This is the biggie, and the concept the mostly plagued my thoughts today. I want to throw in a disclaimer as well. I do not want to come off as arrogant or seem as though I feel superior. These are my feelings raw and real, straight from my mind onto paper...well computer screen. I feel that in the past year I have matured a lot. I have grown away from drama, the unimportant high school issues. I have discovered a lot about myself, who I am, and who I want to be. I feel like in the sea of immaturity that surrounds me I do not belong. In just about everything I do, I am one of the oldest of the group. Sometimes, I feel like I get along better with adults than high school students. I am tired of hearing about the latest gossip, who is supposedly fake, and who is calling who fake. I am tired of seeing girls attack each other on facebook about what they heard the other did. I feel like because I moved past that, others should too, but I have to realize that we all mature at different rates and not everyone has learned their lessons. I have also been privileged with a fantastic and speedy upbringing by my parents and those who surround me. I have also been blessed with decent common sense and intelligence which has aided me in becoming more of a young woman and less of a child. I think that is the hard part about growing up at different rates, once you mature, you cannot stand the fact that the person next to you is judgemental, rude, over dramatic and completely immature. With younger sisters that bring their experiences and feelings as freshman to my knowledge, it makes it even more difficult. It produces a window into what I am tired of seeing.

Good Day

I find it funny that I recently wrote a post titled 'bad day'... and then today happened.
I thank the sunshine, the breeze and the temperature. My day began with sunlight filling up my room. I am so tired of the snow and cold, so the weather was a nice pick me up. I also got to talk to a friend today. I would have said an old friend, but the friendship never really ended, we still hang out occasionally, I see them every day, but we have not just talked, the way we used to, in so long. Today we got to, and we talked non stop for nearly two hours. It is only 2:30, there is plenty of time for the day to keep getting better. I am counting on it.

One of few unimportant posts

Every morning I look into my closet and I am bored... I have one cycle of 'go to' outfits I just wear because I can't mix up something new to wear. I have plenty of clothes. I have a lot of pieces that I just haven't been able to find a time to wear, I haven't worn in ages, or I am just not sure what to do with them. I see so many people who wear these outfits that are adorable and I just cannot seem to create something good enough. I have been getting some inspiration from other blogs and websites, which has helped some. I find a big problem to be that I have quite a few pieces that only work in one outfit. I need to get some more generic mix and match pieces that I can wear many different ways. I also need to be more brave, I will try a combination that would look pretty good, but I chicken out because I lack confidence in my fashion sense. I know this is not really a life lesson or value like most of my posts, but It is something I think about. I think I will take a few fashion risks this week.

Bad Day

So, those days when everything goes terribly wrong... Those suck. They especially suck when you were having a perfectly fine day then all of a sudden after the high point, it drops down to every little thing going wrong. I had a great day, I taught a lesson, went to school, had jazz band. Then my day was going wonderfully, I went to Chipotle with some great people and got home and relaxed with my sister. Well my debit card decided it did not want to work, so my friend had to pay for me. Then my phone went insane. It decided to go crazy at the worst of times, when I am out and about and trying to contact people. I now have a total of 4 numbers in the temporary phone. It is so frustrating. Things were going my way and certain things were really looking up, and now I cannot even call my new student or his parents to schedule lessons... I had to vent it was the only way to keep me from crying. Goodbye.

Week 10: Your Dreams

I really am a dreamer, I constantly think, "What if.." and I make up little fantasies and ideas of what I wish was happening. Sometimes it makes my thoughts a little more exciting, other times, it hurts. I think about something happening, and in reality, it never will. I have a few basic dreams or goals for my life. The rest I try and leave up to God, of course with my personality I always have a problem with this. I am a perfectionist and a control freak. I have to be sure in the outcome before I do anything, and I feel like everything needs to be planned out. Well that is a discussion for another post but here are my current 'planned out' dreams.

1. Become a High School Band Director:
This dream motivates me going to college, majoring in music education, and focusing on my music. This dream brings worries, fears, excitement and hope. Hopefully it will define me, in a vocational sense as well as part of my personality.

2. To Get Married:
I am your average girly, high-school, love-struck, gal. What more could you expect, than me wanting to one day find Mr. Right, and become Mrs. Right? It is that happily-ever-after idea that inspires and haunts most girls. Other than wanting it to happen one day, I do not have my dream wedding, home, or guy planned out. I have ideas but I am too young for any of that and I am not THAT girly.

3. To be Successful:
I am a 'failure-a-phobe'. (I know that is not the correct term). This comes from being a perfectionist, but the idea of failure is my worst night mare. I want to be successful as possible. The definition of success isn't too intense for me though. I don't want to the be billionaire with a perfect job, 2.5 kids, and man. Being successful for me looks like being happy with your job, family and experiences as well as being the best follower of Jesus I possibly can. Always striving to improve myself, and working, loving and following to my true potential.

It is a weird thing to think so far into my future, it is nice knowing that it is so far away that the 'decisions' I make in my dreaming as to how things will be aren't set in stone. One can never know about tomorrow, and that is enough spontaneous and un-planned future for me!

Week 9: Someone Who taught you a Suprising Lesson (LATE)

Dear _______,
     Over the past week or so with all the happenings in our school district, I have been discouraged and scared when it comes to my career choice. I was to the point of tears when I thought about dealing with what you are going through. Thanks to you I have been able to learn a valuable lesson, that even though I have been taught it for years it has never stuck until now. I said I was feeling hopeless and you showed me that I should not feel hopeless, but faithful. Faithful that God will lead me to where I need to be and I should not be afraid that by majoring in Music Ed. I am doing the wrong thing, but following my heart and listening to my God. Thank you, for the rest you've given to my worries.

Week 8: The person who gave your favorite tangible gift (LATE)

Dear Mom and Dad,
     I can't really think of which gift is my favorite over the years, but every one that sticks out in my memory is from you. Statistically speaking, that makes sense because a large percentage of the tangible gifts you given me are from you. But that leads me to something else, all of my life lessons, physical attributes and personality traits are basically gifts from you as well. I am extremely thankful for all you have provided me with, both tangible and personal. So for fun here is a list of my most memorable gifts:


Boom Box: This is the earliest gift memories, I was so excited when I got this for my birthday. It began my ability to play the music I wanted to hear and was a representation of becoming a true American teenager; I began to blast my N*Sync and Britney Spears in my room and dance and sing like a crazy fool.

Clarinet: This wasn't Christmas or my Birthday, and technically it was 'school supplies' but I remember when we bought my clarinet I wasn't supposed to use it until school started. I have a confession: Whenever I was home alone that summer I got that clarinet down and played it, well tried. I had the mouthpiece on backwards...Oh how far I have come. Well if you guys had never gotten me that clarinet, I never would have become the musician I am, marched in major national parades, or chosen the career in music I have.

Fuse: This seems like sort of a silly gift, but the fuse to the radio in my car has made my life to and from destinations so much less silent and boring. I was so excited when I got the tiny little plug. It is just one of my favorite gift stories.

Reality Can Be Disappointing

Dreams are great, they provide some entertainment in your unconscious hours, they make you think, they reveal a little bit we do not know about ourselves. The worst part about them is waking up from a good dream. You will have an amazing dream, and in that dream you will be so excited and happy that something happens. Many times this happens and I wake up smiling, then reality sets in. The feeling you get in that moment when you realize, "I was only dreaming, that did not actually happen" is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. What makes it worse is when what happens in your dream is completely possible, you just do not know how to make it happen. It teases you, because you feel like it is so close, but only happens in dreams. Dreams are a common theme in great songs... Here are two quotes:

"...Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in..." - I'm not that girl, Idena Menzel, Wicked.

"...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe..." - Dreaming with a Broken Heart, John Mayer. 

Hopeless

There is turmoil in our school district. It is such a sad and painful situation for teachers, administrators and those students who actually care. Loved programs are being cut and the teachers who have changed our lives are losing their jobs. I was speaking with a teacher who will most likely lose their job. They are considering going back to college and getting a degree in something else. They have the degree I plan to pursue. I look up to this teacher. I watched them go from college, to being part-time, getting their master's, and becoming an amazing educator and truly improving the music program at the junior high. Because of this I have considered them 'my hope'. What they are going through now is very similar to my future. I go to them with my college, music, career, and life questions. They are not only a teacher but like an older brother and friend to me. When they told me they may go back to college and pursue another career, I couldn't help but cry. Thinking about them giving up leaves me no hope. The very same thing could happen to me. There are very few jobs out there and I could have to go back and become a business woman. I have to wonder if there is even hope. Is it even worth my time? There is no other profession I think I could love. Sure, I have back up plans but it is not what I want. I can't stand to see these cuts happen to music teachers, it scares me. I don't want to be at that end of the rope, I cannot be ignorant to the fact that it is a real possibility.

Early Spring Cleaning

I hate cleaning...usually. I love to be organized and neat in just about everything but my room. My drawers and closet are normally a mess and you can rarely see my floor. Today I just felt like the unbearable task had to be done. My floor is visible and has that clean 'just-vaccumed' look. My shoes are in line in my closet, and it is color coordinated. My drawers are neat and orderly, my shelves look professional and impeccable. I organized my college stuff, papers, books and my dry-erase calender is updated and also color coordinated. I didn't write all this to brag about the great job I did, I promise. I am so tired of this cold, dark, snowy winter. I have been craving the open-windows, sunshine and free feeling of spring. I think I felt the urge to clean because my mind is already in the spring mindset. Clearing the cobwebs and stress of winter and starting anew. Having my room clean makes me feel like I can think clearly. It is a silly little thing, but even though mother nature is not ready, I am. Lets start spring already!

On a side note, I am behind on this letter project. The topics leftover are either not too exciting, hard, or I want to save them for the end. I'll catch up eventually. Next time I have lots of time to think and write, I will post two letters to make up for last week. I promise.

Mirror Moment

I am pretty sure everyone has those days, weeks, months or even moments were you learn about yourself. Throughout my chaining life, preparation process, youth group and thinking over the past few days, maybe even weeks, I have had a good amount of time to self-reflect and learn a bit about myself.

1. I am so incredibly predictable. In youth group over the past few weeks we've been digging deeper into our spiritual gifts, abilities, heart and personality. We've been given quizzes and just looked through and self evaluated ourselves to discover what God has given us to make us who we are. Every time, my results are completely obvious, not only do I guess them but so do others around me. At first I thought that I was boring, and I needed to be different, more surprising and spontaneous. Last night I came to the conclusion that being predictable is not necessarily a bad thing. I think it means I am sure of my self, I have discovered a large chunk of who I am and I am confident in that. That is reassuring, because I love to be confident and sure of things.

2. I am a memory person. I was looking around good 'ole facebook today and noticed that I have so many more pictures and status updates than most. I took some time to think about why that is, I sure hope it is not because I'm conceited or anything... But I think it is because I love memories. I love reminiscing and going through old pictures and notes. I bring up old inside jokes and memories a little too often. I hold tight to memories, and that is where my dislike of change comes from as well as how emotional I get when memorable things end. While it is nice to be sentimental and such about my life so far, I don't want to continue living in my past, I will completely miss my future.

3. I am a perfectionist. Striving towards perfection improves me, but I am so hard on myself. I constantly criticize and find things I need to change, I hate knowing I am wrong and knowing that I didn't succeed. My perfectionist ways are not necessarily something I need to change about myself, but I need to keep my confidence up, otherwise I won't succeed, I will be critical of myself and then I am back to square one.

Now the best part of metaphorically looking in the mirror is the chance for self-improvement as well as self-appreciation. You find out what you need to fix in order to be a better person, and what you have that makes you who you are in a positive way. The self-appreciation really boosts your confidence and helps you exemplify who you are to others, being confident in yourself is extremely noticeable to those around you and makes you someone who is enjoyable to be around and you'll be much happier with what you see in your reflection

Just Layin' It Out There

Today everyone has been talking about the PLSD Board of Education meeting that happened last night. We all knew this meeting was coming and we knew it would be hard. When the levy didn't pass we knew that jobs would be lost, programs would take a hit and emotions would rise. Everyone has been saying this and that, conversing, discussing and interpreting. I don't know everything about the situation and I'm not going to pretend like I do. I've heard different ideas and conclusions others have drawn from information and news. I'm just going to lay out my opinion on this one, from my understanding, with completely honest feelings:

It is not plain and simple, things seem to be 'unsure', opinions and interpretation of the BOE's decision clash. We can't know for sure what will happen come spring if the levy returns to the ballot.

The blame can't be placed in one area. The BOE, voters, and government can all be blamed.
          No one person can find one person or group to blame for our current economic situation, but that situation has led to selfishness and struggle, hence our levy. The levy was brought about because there were money problems that needed to be solved, and those similar money problems caused it not to pass.
          Many people voted no simply because they cared about themselves, and not the future: CHILDREN. They just didn't want to pay taxes. The voters should have realized that voting yes could potentially fix money problems and the consequences were not worth saving the small $200-some in extra taxes. The voters created a terrible situation for the BOE, they had to choose cuts, they had their hands tied.
          Choosing fairly is a different story. Programs such as music and PE were cut for the younger students, real people lost their jobs who had just begun their career. There is less learning time and less opportunity for success is available to future students. People who aide the school in so many unrecognized ways lost their job just because of a seemingly unimportant title. The work load is going to be too much for certain positions to handle alone. One person cannot handle the jobs of three. Now my question is where are the higher-level job salary cuts? Where are the BOE salary cuts? I think things could have been a bit more even spread.

Now I have to mention some things so I don't seem uneducated, crazy, hateful, disgruntled, ranting or biased

I admit that I don't know everything about this horrid situation, I may be wrong about some things but I have an opinion and I'd like to express it.
I've done as much research as I can so I know as much as I can about this situation.

I have nothing against BOE, I personally know 2 members and they are wonderful people who have done a lot for me.

I understand this is hard on everyone, I guess I am just discontent. As a hopeful future educator I can't stand to watch this happen to a school district, education is one of the most important things in one's life, without it we are nothing. As a community, we fail without education. I guess I'd just like to see it protected in every subject. This is going to have consequences in the lives of teachers, administrators, citizens and most of all those who don't even have much of a voice in the matter: STUDENTS.

Coincidence? I Think Not

We began our new semester today and it seemed like the longest day of my life. I was completely bored and in a bad mood, yet not. I feel like my mind is filled to the brim with thought. I came home today with one of the biggest headaches I've ever had and I'm just ready to sleep. I highly doubt this is a coincidence. Thoughts definitely give you headaches just as much as physical causes. I am going to go to sleep soon, but I just had to unload some feelings first.

1. I'm sitting in my room shivering as I write this. I can't stand the idea of 0 degrees, let alone experiencing it. I'm listening to my favorite beach music band, Best Coast, and picturing driving around with my windows open with the sun beating down on my skin. I miss summer more than anything right now.

2. Sometimes I forget where I fit in, and it seems to happen to me after long weekends. I spend a lot of my long weekends hanging out with my family and sisters, I talk to different people than I normally do and I have a different agenda. I get back into my routine and find myself with inner conflict. I don't always know just which group I belong to.

3. How is it that some of the people who are the greatest to you can make you really feel like crap. Maybe they just have that leverage to create guilt, or you know just enough about them to be jealous of them. They're close to you so they're in your life enough and you know them well enough to provoke those feelings.

4. I shouldn't be writing now, I have a few things I should already be doing. Homework, practicing, organizing, reading, cleaning. Somehow I convince myself that writing takes precedence over other things. If I am able to reverse that idea I won't be writing as much, I'm sorry but it is for my betterment.

A Day for Thought

I feel like I have thought about anything and everything today. I've reflected on the results of my audition on Saturday, I've been challenged, I've thought about music, I've thought about guys, I've thought about friendships, I've thought about arrogance, I've thought about possibilities, and I've thought about every aspect of my future one could possibly think about. I'm not sure why it has been such a thought provoking day, but I have definitely felt led to reflect and think about things. It has been refreshing and at the same time burdening. A lot has been on my mind, but much of it has been good.

Nothing Really

I'd like to start out this post by thanking The Decemberists for their new album The King Is Dead. It is wonderful and it is putting me in the absolute best mood right now. I highly suggest you download it right now. Regardless of your musical preferences.

There isn't anything in particular I would really like to write about right now. I just feel like writing. We just finished exams and I'm enjoying a night of 'me time' because we don't have school tomorrow. It has been kind of a crazy week with exams and studying accompaied by practicing and preparing for my audition this weekend. Other random things have been tossed into the mix, such as snow storms, getting hit by a bus, and senior pictures. Yeah I said hit by a bus, but it is definately not as bad as it sounds. Well anyway, this 'me time' is well deserved and necesary. It is kind of crazy to think I'll be doing my first audition in short two days. I have been told about the nerves, stress and excitement that comes with these things and it always just seemed so far off. So did senior year, turning 18, graduating and college... But that all is too soon for me to be comfortable with. Handing out senior pictures, although a bit early in the year, has been a strange experience as well.

So the usual topics, I got stress, school and music covered along with some senioritis and nostalgia. I don't really have anyone I'm too interested in to write about, or anyone who is 'significant' Nothing too catastrophic or life-altering has happened recently. Life is just happening, the exact way it is supposed to. A few small suprises here and there, but mostly routine simplistic living. I'm content with this right now. I know if I wish for excitement, trauma is headed my way. I enjoy the relaxation that accompanies routines though, it is a nice break from all the change and stress. Thank you God for the life you've given me, as it unfolds all around.

P.S. random thought, but I LOVE when I go through and spell-check my posts and NOTHING pops up as misspelled, I am so proud of myself right now.

Week 7: Someone you wish you could meet.

Goodness, there is quite the extensive list of people I'd like to meet. I love meeting people and there are so many people I appreciate, admire and have curiosities about. There are also those people who I would like to meet because it would be cool to say I did....

Andrew Bird
Matt Berninger
Albus Dumbledore
John Phillip Sousa
One of the 12 disciples
Zoey Deschanel
Natalie Portman
Christian Bale
Paul Jeanjean
Batman
Joan of Arc
Colin Meloy
Helena Bonham Carter
Glen Miller
J.K. Rowling
President Obama

This group consists of celebrities, leaders of groups I listen to, authors, historical figures, actors, actresses, fictional characters, composers and musicians. They all represent a part of what I love. Music, both listening and playing it. Movies, books, stories, history and government. What a party it would be if these were all included in that guest list. If I ever have that party, I'll invite you all too. Thanks for reading.

The Single Minded Focus

This week is an important one. We have exams to study for, and hopefully pass. I have my first college audition on saturday. I will be practicing constantly, and doing anything I can to prepare myself. I need to get better. I've been sick and continuing to cough, sniff and feel achy all over will hinder me. I thought to myself, what is my one and only goal this week? First the thought came, "To get better!", then I thought, "To pass exams!". Of course the more important one came into mind, "Kick butt on my audition!". I thought further and noted, "Don't over stress!". Ok so the whole one and only goal to focus all energy on idea didn't go so well.... I love to organize, categorize and plan. So I thought, now how can I create a single focus for my week to keep me pepped up and going... Everything can be grouped together under one powerful, exciting and perfect word: Succeed. that is my one and only goal this week is to succeed. I need to get better and not stress out in order to do so. I have multiple things to succeed in, but that is the goal. Bring it on week, I'm taking you down.

Week 6: Your Current Crush

To Whom it may concern,

You're a great guy, you're so incredibly gifted as well. You're going to go far in this world and be amazing at what you do. Your taste in music is spectacular, I feel like anytime we talk about music my horizons are doubled. You're a little bit more outgoing than me, and yet you're quieter than me. I don't get it but you're the perfect balance of fun and chill. I don't know if it will happen, but it would be awesome if we ended up at the same college, I think we'd have fun. I don't know how long this little crush will last, lately they haven't been. But I sorta hope it does. Lets just get through the next few months and see what happens. Maybe we have a future, maybe we don't. Regardless, you've been a great friend.

Exhaustion

I don't know if it is that dreaded return to school from winter break, stress, exams, practicing or a combination of all of that, but I have been exhausted the past week and a half. No matter how much I sleep at night or naps I take, I continue to feel tired and crave sleep. I use the word 'crave' in the most extreme way. There is nothing I want more than to feel rested right now. I honestly look forward to sleeping everyday. I almost want to describe it as aching for relief... I'll let you know when I find it.

Musician's Lull, Like a Writer's Block

As a musician, you will have days where you can play anything, play it fast, expressive and perfect. Why everyday can't be one of those days I don't know, but I'm having the complete opposite today. I've been working on a piece for my auditions and contest for months now, for some reason I can't seem to get a single run, I've hit so many wrong notes it hardly sounds like the same piece and I've reverted back to old habits with rhythms and fingerings. It is so frustrating with my first audition in 14 days and I feel further away from being ready than I did yesterday. What if one of these days happens the day of my audition? I'll be done, I won't get in, let alone get scholarships. These stupid musician's lull days put me in a terrible mood. I could just scream right now.

Week 5: Your Ex-Crush

Ooh, a good old cliche letter, that will be fun. So I am a high school girl, I have liked tons of guys. Time for a list of short anonymous letters? I think so. Let's go with reverse chronological on this one.

1. Ah, you were short lived, probably because of current situations. I only really had feelings for you because of possibility, similar interests, and you led me on.

2. You were just one of those, aw, wouldn't it be nice to date him, sort of deals. You're a cute kid, a nice guy and completely ideal. It's just best we remained friends, plus I don't think you date.

3. Oh goodness, this went on for ages, I am not even going to say it has gone away completely. I just felt like you were the perfect guy for me. I was apparently delusional, yet I could not stay away. I loved spending time with you and talking to you. You're hilarious, smart, and talented. Most of all you were a good friend, I think that was the catch: friend.

4. You're the perfect guy, that is completely it. You are what every girl needs. You're considerate, funny, handsome, endearing, cordial, polite, sociable, smart, talented, you have a great future, you're mature, friendly, a leader, a good listener, you have a good taste in music and you are the ideal guy. You've been my longest crush, and it never really disappears with each new guy, it just gets put into the back of my head because I hardly see you. We should change that.

I could go on longer, but these are the most recent and most important honestly. There will always be a long list, what else would you expect?

Ultimate Comfort

I am big on comfort. Being comfortable is one of my most favorite feelings EVER. My love for comfort probably explains why I love keeping my schedule packed and predictable, and why I hate awkward situations. I am most at peace when I'm comfortable. My favorite way to be comfortable (Which I'm experiencing as I write), is to have the house to myself, listen to some of my favorite indie bands, eat comfort food, put on pajama pants and just think... A lot of time these moments of relaxation and thought turn into my entries. My thoughts just flow with so much ease when I'm comfortable. Maybe it is something to do with the fact that there is nothing demanding my focus when I'm comfortable. I might be having a casual conversation via text or facebook, but otherwise my thoughts have the liberty to wander every which way. I can debrief my day, think about future days or just concepts on my mind. The longer I relax and enjoy comfort, the more developed and in-depth my thoughts grow. Everyone should take some time and by comfortable, it is good for the soul.

Something

There is something...
There is something bothering me and I can't place my finger on it, I can't seem to figure out what it is. There is something that is putting me on edge, making me wonder and worrying me. I just don't know what.
 I have this feeling that something is wrong, something is going to happen, something happened. I have no clue what could be causing this completely irrational feeling. There is nothing extra exciting happening now, recently, or in the near future.
I have to tell myself there is nothing wrong. I can't help but wonder, is this some sort of intuition that something may happen, or did something happen and I subconsciously know about it?
 This feeling completely irks me and I can't push it aside and out of my head.
Maybe something was wrong and I need to go back and think about it. Maybe I have to retrace my mental steps a bit. I'm sure it will take some self-reflection, thinking, and some good music to put my thoughts to rest.

A Brand New Day, Just Like All of the Others

The first entry of the New Year, and I have nothing to write about... I just woke up and have this terrible need to write something. Perhaps it is just in the spirit of new beginnings and such, Everyone else is making resolutions and talking about change, including myself. I already wrote about change. Multiple times even! So why am I drawn to this page with my hands on the keyboard at the ready?

I wrote that top part and took a break... I listened to my current favorite band, The National, and thought for a bit.

I find it interesting that as the sun rises on new years day we look for immediate change, we expect something new and exciting to happen right away. One year ago today I marched in the nations longest famous parade, Pasadena's Tournament of Roses Parade. We played 'A Brand New Day'. It was one of the most exciting and memorable days of my life. I had my big excitement last year. Not every moment of my life is going to be exciting or unexpected. We have to accept the monotony and predictable day-to-day we are all going to have in our lives. Exciting change is good for us, but sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the comfort of the norm. Regardless of the day that is so similar to yesterday and tomorrow, it still is a brand new day. Yeah I did it, I made a lyrical reference, what more would you expect than my comforting predictable way of writing?