It really is a 'New Year'

In 2010 I...
Marched in the nations longest famous parade.
Played a Class B solo
Was second chair
Turned 17
Learned to stand up for myself
Decided to go into Music Education
Visited Colleges
Went to Washington D.C.
Cried
Said Goodbye
Became a Field Commander
Made some fantastic friends
Danced
Laughed
Smiled
Participated in many Marching Band lasts
Stressed out
Rapped
Organized many things
Stressed out some more
Got a one at OMEA State Marching Band Finals
Participated in two Musical Orchestras in one year
Applied to four colleges
was accepted into all four
Discovered new artists
Practiced
Learned the Tambourine and many auxiliary percussion instruments
Became part of the Chorale Bears
Celebrated all of the usual holidays
Practiced some more

In 2011 I plan to...

Practice a whole lot more
Audition at my four schools
Make all of them
Get my wisdom teeth taken out
Become an Adult
Make a decision
Dance
Go back to D.C.
Play a solo at senior concert
Graduate
Say goodbye
cry
smile
Enjoy my accomplishments
Give more lessons
Babysit more
Make money
Go to my decided college
Make new friends
Become a better musician
Start at the bottom all over again.
Miss my old friends
Miss my band
Depending on my choice... March in Macy's again, Not be in marching band, be in a great band, sit in Dr. Swearingen's classes, have a bird as my mascot, keep my school colors, be close to home, have a 3 hour drive to school...

Every time it is a 'new year' things don't seem too much different. The difference between this year and the next seems so great. So many changes and new experiences. I'm excited, I'm ready.

Making Excuses

You've made excuse after excuse, come up with lies and found truthful reasons for not doing something. You're out of excuses.... What do you do? Well I guess you can go about this from two separate perspectives.

1. You've been making excuses because you don't want to do something but it's not like you have to do it.
Its like someone asks you if you'll do something for them, you can say no, that is an option. But finding the reasons to say no without seeming mean are difficult. 'I just don't want to' can be a harmful answer, and you can only come up with so many scheduling conflicts. This one I'd say is the more difficult of the two.

2. You've been making excuses because you don't want to do something that NEEDS to get done.
You've pushed it off, you've made up reasons why you haven't gotten to it in order to justify yourself. If it has purpose and necessity in your life, stop the excuses, just do it and get it over with. I need to take my own advice in this category.

These two perspectives differ by whether you're making the excuses to someone else or to yourself. Its interesting that the one involving others is more difficult than lying to ourselves. Is it really that easy to fool yourself? I feel as though there is something wrong with that.

Week 4: The Person You Hate Most

I want to say something first. I don't really 'hate' anyone. I hate things they do, I hate the way they act, I hate who they are now, not them as a whole.

It seems odd that I'm writing this one the day after Christmas. Just doesn't seem fitting. I have a schedule to follow. Well there are a few people who I dislike for certain reasons. I don't want to single people out, so instead I will write about reason's I may dislike someone.

I may dislike you if...

You have a huge ego. I admit there are times that I think highly of myself, or at least seem to. Generally its overcompensation. I can't stand when people think extremely highly of them self and vocalize it. You may think you're the best, but I don't want to hear about it.

You assume you are liked, you are favored or you'll automatically be chosen for something prestigious. This goes with a big ego. Those girls who assume any guy who blinks at them is in love with them...OBNOXIOUS. Those people who assume they don't have to work for something and will automatically get it because of favoritism, age, or because they think they're great... That is why I love it when justice is served and the one who works hardest gets to be top dog.

You crave attention. There are those people who will do anything for attention. They'll even go for negative attention. Dressing like a prostitute, being extremely (and fake-ly) loud, and bragging all fall under this category.

You Like Drama. This sort of goes with craving attention. There are those people who are so nosy, lie to start crap, talk about others constantly and get involved in drama that isn't theirs... Its just stupidity in my mind.

You are immature. I can't stand obvious stupidity and plain old immaturity. If everyone would act their age and learn a thing or two, things would be ok.

I'm not saying that I instantly dislike you for having one or more of these qualities.
I'm not saying that I've never demonstrated any of these attributes. I'm guilty, we all are.

I'm simply choosing to write about attributes rather than a letter singling someone out and blatantly saying "You suck." There isn't one single person I dislike most and no one deserves to be written about negatively online.

I'm glad to get this letter out of the way. Hope next week is a bit more positive.

Awkward...

So many times we have these moments where one word, said in a drawn out high pitched tone, "Awwwkwaaard...."
I personally hate these uncomfortable situations. I do anything to avoid them, dread the inevitable ones and when they happen I hastily attempt to end them and generally, this causes more discomfort. Awkward greetings with those you know somewhat well, but not well enough to have a good full conversation with. That repetitive question that I am asked every time someone realizes or discovers I am a senior in high school... "Have you made your decision yet?" Every time I have to answer with the long answer of my four possible schools, why I haven't made my decision, when I will make my decision, What is my top choice. Why is it my top choice. Then there are those awkward situations that come up out of the blue. Something unexpected is said and you have no response. The way people feel is contradicting. I get uncomfortable just thinking about possible situations. Maybe just getting out of my comfort zone more and more I'll eventually become immune to the discomfort of awkward situations. Or perhaps it is just a personality quirk I'll have to suck it up and live with, or embrace even. Just a quick thought on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas readers. Thanks for reading.

Week 3: The Friendliest Person you only Knew for a Short Time

So there is a group of girls that I met one week, We all instantly became amazing friends and had an amazing time, while most of never expected to. I miss them all so incredibly dearly. Buckeye Girls State was awesome thanks to these girls:

Dear Abby, Ashley, Brooke, Bre, and Sarah,
I miss you all so much! Thanks to you guys I turned what expected to be a miserable time into one of the best weeks of my life. I have never laughed harder about so many silly things. I'll try and attempt a list worthy of being called our insiders:

-Brooke's look.
-My glare
-Pudding
-slushies
-Don't treat us like dogs.....you know the rest.
-Piano songs in the lobby.
-Hyphen
-Superheroes
-Imma lead em on a high speed chase.
-YEAH!
-Brooke should be in choir.
- "Guyssss!" - abby
- Frank, Tom, Govna, LLoyd, Leslie, bubbles, Minnie, Muscles
-CHOCOLATE MILK
-Prostitution.
-BSD
-The infamous kick.
- Clarinet beat boxing.
- Titanium Falcon
- Hitler
- Special late night bathroom time.
- Singing in the shower

You are each such amazing, unique, personable, friendly, hilarious, smart wonderful girls and I am so thankful to have met you that week. I hope that we will someday meet again.

Reminded of my Blessings

Today I traveled with our school's Chorale to the Nationwide Columbus Children's Hospital. Kids were wheeled down in chairs or on mobile beds, followed by the IV's and machines their frail bodies were attached to. Some of their faces were smiling, although you could still see the exhaustion and sickness. Other faces looked tired, defeated and worn. There were sleigh bells handed out by some of the staff and the kids happily jingled away throughout the show and many clapped along to the songs. There were some who could that even got up and danced, although held back by injuries and tubes. Each show at a hospital or school is ended with the song 'Because it's Christmas'. Some of the lyrics include:

"Tonight belongs to all the children, Tonight their joy rings through the air

And so we send our tender blessings, To all the children everywhere

To see the smiles and hear the laughter, A time to give, A time to share

Because it's Christmas, For now and forever

For all of the children, And for the children in us all"

As the chorale beautifully sang these lyrics to audience members, many of them teared up and my heart was struck. I was reminded of how truly blessed I really am to be healthy and have the life that I do. My life has been filled with opportunity and blessings, much more than most. The places I've gotten the chance to go, the achievements I've made, the good health I have, the family who have been healthy and happy, the friends who have been put into my life, and I'm now working to get to college and make my career goals come true. Some of those children may never get to do any of that, there are some who won't even make it to Christmas this year and yet they are joyful about getting to be dressed up and sung to. I cried today, I cried for the kids who broke my heart, and because I am so happy and thankful to be blessed.

Week 2: A Letter to the last person you kissed.

Oh awkwardness, how you love to follow me. I am so not putting any specific names in this letter.

Dear...(oh what to put here) Boy,
     I'm not really sure what to write to you, we haven't talked in ages so perhaps I'll say, "Hi, how are you, how's life, what's new?" Um, yeah you are the last guy I kissed, congratulations? Ha. You're probably not going to read this so I guess I'll just put it out there that it was new years eve and that really didn't mean much at all. Sorry. Our few months of talking were kind of pointless too. You'll find a nice girl your age, you're a sweet guy.

Well that was highly awkward and is an exact replica of how awkward a conversation would've been with this kid. (see, I said some of these letters would be fun!)

Social Surrender

I. Give. Up.

My academic life is pretty good. My grades are going up. As a musician, I am improving and I have many musical experiences ahead of me. Its exciting stuff. Well, that's my cup half full view...

Now lets take a look at how I really feel. Socially, my life isn't so great right now. I have friends that I have a great time with in school, or at band. Outside of school? Nope. My friends each have their groups whether its through a school group or through weekend social events, they've got their groups. I sometimes think that I'm the boring kill joy no one wants to invite. That's probably blowing things out of proportion, but I just needed to get some of those feelings out. I also think sometimes I only find myself interested in someone because they express interest in me. As soon as they seem to lose interest I give up on pursuing that person. (sounds conceited...oh great..)

So we've looked at the positive and the negative, lets do some learning. I think that we all go through up and down phases in each area of our lives and that gives us a time to truly focus on the other aspects of our life. I think this could definitely be a time for me to forget about climbing the socialite ladder and focus on my auditions, talent, grades and future. Sure I can be a negative Nancy at times but I'll find the lesson in it eventually.

Week 1: A letter to your best friend(s)

I consider multiple people my best friends. They are each my best friend for a different reason. Here we go...

#1 Miss Riana Upton, the oldest friend.
    Riana, you have done everything a friend could ever ask for and more. You are understanding, fun, helpful, hilarious, loving, witty, full of advice and beauty. I couldn't be more thankful to have you in my life for the past going on 9 years. I couldn't imagine life without you. Most of my greatest memories are with you. I've also learned in the past year that you are a forgiving friend, I really appreciate that. We've had our differences (took us long enough, we've never disagreed!) but that has made very little difference in our friendship. I think that exemplifies how true our friendship is.

#2 Miss Megan Payne, the friend I am most like.
        Melon twin, we are so much alike, which is why I think we clicked and became friends so easily and in such a short time. You are so freaking smart. You help me with everything from school to other friends to advice on situations. You even support me with advice when I don't even ask for it. I am so thankful to have a friend that I feel like I can let speak into my life the way you do. Goodness you are hilarious and I don't think I've ever had a terrible time with you.

#3 Miss Janaya Jones, the friend I cannot describe how much she means to me.
     Janaya, I can't exactly give you a label, because I can't think of a reason for the beginning of our friendship. It just, happened. Without explanation we grew so incredibly close and remain that way. Perhaps your label should be: the friend who shares the same dream. That's because we're both musicians, we have that performer's personality and passion for the arts, we both aspire for the same colleges and similar career paths. Dreams are important to people so when friends dreams are similar it makes them closer. I can tell you anything and you too like Riana are a forgiving friend. Thank you.

#4 Mr. Andrew Kovaleski, my most recent friend.
     Andrew, Andrew... What would I do without our daily 'debriefing's and your stress management. We've talked so much in the past year that you've really become an amazing friend. You have this talent where you can read my texts and instantly know how I feel. You are like my personal psychiatrist. I talk out almost all of my problems out with you. Thanks.

A Time for Change

Change affects us all the time. Each of us is constantly changing, mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything around us changes, the people we love change, the things we do change. Routines are also a part of life, and we become so accustomed to those routines that change bothers us. I am a routine, planned out, structured person so I personally am not a fan of too much change. As a senior in high school changes are huge. I'm ending the chapter of my life we like to call childhood. I'm ending the chapter of home. I'm ending the chapter of dependency. I'm ending the chapter of all that has been familiar to me for the past twelve years. That right there, is a lot of change. The people around me are discovering who they are and deciding where they will go, we're all headed different directions, thus changing who we will be around. I find comfort in my day to day, my family, my friends, my school, my church, my life. I'm going to have to leave that comfort and accept that in order to embrace the change. My days in high school are numbered, and so in the spirit of change, I'm starting a project. From now until Graduation day is 30 weeks. I am going to write one letter a week. Some letters will be fun, others will be hard. They will all be though provoking. I will continue to write as I do especially about my adventures of auditions, my college choices, friends and the other usual subjects, But I want to change up my focus on this blog and have a guideline to write.

Dwelling on the Past

I believe it is a good thing to think about the past. You learn from the past to help you understand the present. You learn from mistakes and success. The past also hold memories both good and bad. Dwelling on the past sounds like a good thing right? Wrong.
When I have lots of free time where I'm just relaxing, my mind often wanders all over the place. Often times it will travel back, to memories and feelings of long ago. There are situations I remember where the effects still last today, and feelings though not as terrible I still see in others now. Somehow a lot of the same feelings come back. I found myself extremely angry last night as I thought about certain things and people who have upset me so much. Things are better nowadays between thee people but I still see a little bit of what used to be in them, so I became angry. I had to tell myself that that was weeks ago, or months ago, or in some case at least a year ago. Maybe some of these things I still feel went unjustly, and I have no closure? Something from months ago shouldn't still anger me. I really should just move on and not think about it anymore. Whatever happened to turning bad situations into something "we'll all laugh about someday"? Ha, I noticed I even wrote a blog about moving on after being wronged. So yeah, months later it is the hard thing to do,  but by not doing it, it is negatively affecting me. Hm. Lesson learned even this much later.

Turning in the memories.

I knew this day would come. I knew I would be upset. You would think that would prepare me. There is nothing that could have prepared me for tonight's game. The game ended, we played the fight song one last time. We proceeded to march out of the stadium to the cadence we all had grown to know. I could not fight the tears and honestly did not even want to. I and the other seniors marched as PHSC Tigers for the last time. We marched with our family for the last time. I know that I will forever be involved in marching bands, so I am not upset because marching band is over. I am sad because it is my family that I am leaving. Once we got back to the school we were asked to turn in our uniforms. There were some that took it off and hugged it, holding it close, smelling the familiar smell and cherishing the representation of the memories and accomplishments made in those purple jackets and pants. We weren't just turning in some pieces of clothing we turned in our memories. I know that all the thoughts of what has happened in the last four years of being the the PHSC marching band were going through the head of each senior. There has been so much in the past four years. We've marched in major parades, made friends, made enemies, fallen in love, broken up, played our hearts out, experienced heartbreak and bad times as well as triumphant moments and major success. I don't know if the average high school student experiences the amount of things we did in the past four years. There is not a moment I would ever throw away or a person I will ever forget. Everyone means so much to me and that is why I am upset. I'll be cheesy and steal a Disney line:

 "Ohana means family, family means nobody is left behind."

 As a family we are not graduating and leaving others behind. We will always remain in a special place in eachothers' hearts. I know there is a purple paw print on each of our hearts.

Pickerington Central

High School

Marching Tiger Band

  2007-2011

Times For Thinking

Thinking is obviously an important thing. We do it constantly whether we like it or not. Thinking times, what I am referring to, are those times where you find yourself in deep, contemplative thought. I found my self in one of those moments this evening. It could have been because of the lack of sleep, mass amounts of caffeine in my system or simply because I am alone. When these moments arise, I feel immersed in ideas and feelings and sometimes its just so much at once, I don't actually get anything done in my head. I tend to analyze my feelings over the past few days and decide to change them if I find them daunting or unnecessary. I think of what I need to do in the near future, internal and literal. I wonder, I plot, and I even scheme. Never to actually follow through with most of it usually. Sometimes my thoughts leave me feeling content and other times I feel confused. There are often times where my reflective moments leave me with emotions running high, both good and bad. I think these moments are good for me. I keep myself so incredibly busy that having a quiet moment only broken by the sound of music is a relief for me and a way to debrief. Reflective moments provide a relaxation technique, organization and preparation in my life.

Relief

I just happened to check on my blog this morning and read my last post: "Well I'm sure I'll be posting tomorrow. (I can look back to those journal and blog entries too). " (NOV 6) Oops. I was just too tired, too happy, and too relieved to write. In case you hadn't already guessed it, we got a one. After last years terrible experience, we finally got a one. We did AMAZING. I am so proud and excited. Goodness I was nervous and stressed though. It was the most amazing night. After scores were announced we all walked back to the band everyone was cheering and jumping and, yes, crying. I didn't cry as much as I'd thought. I teared up at first but began to cry later. I was laughing and hugging and crying. It was a moment full of love, craziness and happiness. The next day we watched the tape. It was truly amazing. Some of the moves didn't even look physically possible and everything sounded amazing. The last move of the video is where the sobbing I expected earlier came in. The words our center snare, Ashton, said after states while he was bawling went through my head "Its all over, it is all done and over with, we did it and this is it." Then of course they had to show pictures and video from the past trips and I cried even more thinking of the amazing experiences I've had with this marching band.

Other than the obvious happiness, love, and nostalgia I felt after states the most prominent reaction for me was relief. I have been stressed out of my mind the past few weeks. The morning of states I finally cracked. It was bad. There are certain other reasons I was ready for marching band to end. I was tired of pretending to cooperate with certain people and that one was the entire world being taken of my shoulders. I'm going to miss it, but it was time for it to end. I'll always follow the marching tigers but I'm almost excited to sit in the audience and be marveled, stress free.

Content...really?

Every year for the last four years this night is sleepless and nerve racking. I can go back and read journal entries or blogs that I'd written on this very night in years past and its always the same feeling of fear, anxiety, nerves and tension. The night before state contest. I'm writing this on that very night, only for the last time as a Marching Tiger. Its sort of sad, but somewhat relieving. Well the relief won't come until tomorrow is over but still. It is still anxious but not as sad and nostalgic as I'd expected. Tonight was alos our last game in Tiger Stadium. Mr. Sewell had the band encircle the seniors and play Amazing Grace. Sure I teared up, but I always expected to bawl like a baby. I always thought that when marching band was over I'd be so upset and I'd be the one sobbing at ever last. Something about this season has proven otherwise. I am ready for it to end. I'm not happy that it is over, but I'm simply ok with it. Maybe it was the constant tension, anger, frustration, nerves and drama that has me feeling relieved that I will be done soon. Don't get me wrong, senior year has been amazing and so much fun. I've loved marching band so much. Maybe I'm timed just right and am simply ready to be over, because it is time to be over. I wish I knew, and I almost wish I was sad. Well I'm sure I'll be posting tomorrow. (I can look back to those journal and blog entries too).
States 2010. wow.

HIT

So much has happened lately as the class of 2011's final season of marching band comes to a close. We've voted and counted Senior Favorites. We've written our Senior Wills. I've read through those who have sent their's in and tonight at practice the seniors and DEADs alone marched the first song. The first 2 months have gone by so fast that I have had no time to stop and notice: We're seniors. This is the final year. This Is It. I read some of the more 'farewell' type Senior Wills written by fellow senior band members and began to cry. I can hardly believe I will soon be leaving my friends, and band directors who have all influenced me so much. At this time I also remembered back to my freshman year. I read the Senior Wills hardly knowing anyone who wrote them and thinking about how far away that year was for me. It was so much closer than I'd thought and now more than ever I want it to be further away. But I'm not completely upset. I am happy and comforted to be standing at the end of this road with my fellow seniors who I have grown to love so dearly. I picutre us all standing in a line, arms around eachother's shoulders, with our younger band mates behind us and in a line between us and the youngins with their hands upon our shoulders'. The directors who have taught us and influenced us to become the amazing group of people we are. Just a silly little illustration but so wonderful and true.

This wonderful, sad and nostalgic reality has hit me and I'm ready to let it motivate me to make the remainder of my time accompanied by the ones I love the absolute best.

Being Upset is Easy.

When you are wronged, your instantaneous reaction is to be upset. That is completely human, you have every right to be upset. Someone wrongs you, you should be upset with them for some time. Eventually, you must find it in yourself to be forgiving, forget it, and move on. Knowing when it is time to do so is another story completely but the time does come. Getting over it seems like the best thing, it means the problem is over. The process, though, is much harder than being upset. Being upset is just how you feel and want to feel and if feels good to just let it all out and complain. Getting over something and moving on takes hard, mature work. You have to think about what happened, confront the problem, fix broken friendships, and mend hurt feelings. Here comes that good ole' 'Easier isn't always better' lesson. It'd be nice to just be upset until you run out of steam, but that is what children do. By being upset and letting someone who wronged you upset you is only making it a problem.

"He who angers you, conquers you" - Elizabeth Kenney. The right thing to do, and what will benefit you in the end is the hard thing to do: Move on.

What Music Means to Me

It is mind boggling how much music can affect you. There are so many ways it will change your mood or what you think about. Certain songs bring up memories. If you remember something significant happening at the time a song was played that song brings up those memories. If there was an inside joke about a song or someone that song reminds you of you are filed with the same emotions those memories hold for you. I can listen to a song from an ensemble I was a part of and just hearing it reminds me of those I sat or marched near to. The things that were said, and they way I felt. I can imagine the relief, nerves, affection and enjoyment like I played the song yesterday. I can remember the exact way I felt at the time about everything.

Burried Feelings Overturned

The best way to completely change how you feel about someone is to burry and forget them and eventually they will go away on their own. When someone leaves and you aren't constantly reminded of those feelings the process is even easier. You don't see them, talk to them  or interact with them so you forget how you felt and move on with your life. All progress is lost, however, when the person returns. You miss the person regardless of burried feelings and you'd think you're happy to see them. At first you are happy to see them, but then the memories, thoughts, old feeling that you hid away and had forgotten come flooding back. It hurts, its like feeling all of the old feelings, good and bad, all at once. It is completely overwhelming. You miss them and want them back in your life and at the same time you want them to stay away and be gone forever. Overwhelmingly painful desires or easy but equally as painful seclusion..

Coming Soon

I have taken a leave from this blog and my writing. I want to write, I wish I could write and have the urge to write all the time. I just have no life at this point in the year and probably won't until after January. I apologize and I will write as soon as I find the free time. Stay tuned....

A Perfect Moment

Last night the band traveled to Zanesville in hopes of qualifying for State Contest. We did just that, and more. 

     Tyler, Ashley Ezra and I along with Drew and Caliegh all stood in a line waiting as trophies were awarded. We got through class c, class b and class A. Finally they got to class AA, Were were awarded best percussion, the look on our Drew's face was simply priceless, the pride and happiness radiated from him, even though we destroyed that salute. Fourth place AA was announced, then third.... we were surprised not to hear our names. Once second was announced we looked at each other with surprise and excitement. 1st place class AA, Pickerington Central. Pride swelled in our hearts and it was a wonderful moment. We finally got the salute that time and Ashley stepped forward to recieve our shining trophy.

      That night we also won overall best percussion and overall best music. Most importantly we qualified for states. When our first place and qualification was announced it was a wonderful and perfect moment. We were clear across the field from the rest of the band, but we still felt the happiness and heard the cheers as loud as if we were immersed in the sea of purple and white. After last weeks disappointment, this was relief, happiness, surprise, excitement and love. Moments like this we share with our directors, parents and fellow band members make you realize how much you love the people around you. The people we work with, play with, have fun, cheer, cry and succeed with.

     After all scores and awards were announced and the contest came to a close we headed towards our smiling directors, trophies in hand. As we made our way over the song 'Time of your Life' by Greenday played over the loud speaker. The chorus was perfect:

 "Its something unpredictable, but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life."

      Mr. Sewell looked so proud and happy. Mr. Joy walked towards us with the biggest smile on his face, arms open wide, hugging each of us as we arrived at the n-zone. Mr. Gorgas usually serious and quiet was beaming and hugged the Drew and each of the directors told us how proud they were. With how much they do for us seeing them relieved, proud, and happy was more reward than any shiny trophy.

     We continued on with the directors back to the cheering hugging band members. As we neared them we held the trophies in the air and cheered, they followed suit and we were greeted by hugs and cheers, some even kissed the trophies. From the time we won the awards to being reunited with our band was simply a perfect moment in time. It seemed there was not a thing wrong with the world.

We still have a long road ahead of us, but this perfect moment will fuel us with motivation and love for each other.

Drama is Poison

When you are part of a tight-knit group or family, being broken apart by something like drama can be detrimental to your purpose and soul. In the Marching Tigers, we have 200 members and there are people who do not like each other and people who do. That is expected. As a band we need to learn to put aside anything that is causing us to not get along aside.

Poison can be suprisingly fast. When it enters a body it spreads with each stressful beat of the heart, spreading further and further doing more and more damage to the body. If it is notstopped poison eventually destroys the body killing the soul and life that once inhabited it.

Drama works exactly the same way. Something happens between two people who are members of the band, more people get involved who really should not, and it spreads to lines, sections, rehearsals and eventually it will damage something very important to the band, such as a rating.

At a first look you would not expect drama to have anything to do with good rehearsals, but it absolutely does. When you do not get along with someone you do not work well and the band as a whole does not work well. We even get worse as the drama insues. Also, it is a common misconception that what you do outside of band functions doesn't matter. Absolutely worng. The choices you make when you're not with the band (or with the band for that matter) reflect on the band itself, as band students we are under a scope, that is just how it is. That is something we all need to understand: what you do affects 200+ people who are your family.

I said I would keep you updated, and no we did not qualify. We recieved a II rating. We will have to go out again this weekend and try and qualify. There is no way we will qualify unless this drama is stopped. There are too many situations that are affecting too many people. It is doing so much harm to our directors, friendships and most importantly, the band. As members we should all care about our success and one another. We go through a lot together. We deal with stress, worry, nerves and even exciting fun times.

Each of us needs to take some time and think about what is happening to our band. We need to realize that what we gain from drama is no where near as important as doing our best and qualifying for state. Mr. Sewell is right, we are a family, families do not just stop being families and stop working together just because of some disagreements, they learn to put them aside for the betterment of the family. This needs to happen for the sake of our family, especially the father figures, our directors. They do so much for us, the least we can do is work hard and TOGETHER for them.

Repeating Fears are Joined by New Ones

I remember writing a blog a little less than a year ago about what happened last year at OMEA State Marching Band competition, when we ended the legacy created before us by many years of Pickerington Central band members. In the days before that competition I remember being scared out of my mind as to what would happen. We had barely even qualified for the competition, we weren't supposed to go, we were then forced to go. Our only option was to do our best. We fell apart and I can remember very vividly the voice of the OMEA announcer, " Pickerington Central Marching Band, your overall band rating is....TWO!" I felt awful, I'm sure my feelings reflected everyone else's.
Now I sit here, the morning of the first competition of my senior year, full of fear. In the past few days the band has begun to fall apart. There has been fighting, complaining, drama and lack of hard work. We're all tired and stressed and it has resulted in some terrible rehearsals. Although it was used as a negative reinforcement tactic, our director said yesterday, "When you get a two tomorrow..." It was like a cold bucket of water being poured onto me. Then after rehearsal, I can hardly step into the band room without someone teling me, you're too slow, you're too fast, you need to watch center, you need to keep your tempo, you need to watch the percussion. It is extrememly scary and great pressure to know that if you mess up, it can cause the entire band to mess up.
I guess we're known to work miracles when we're put under that light and that pressure. Somehow when the white pants go on, the plumes up and the stadium lights hit us, we show who we really are. That's all we can hope for tonight. I will keep you all posted.

All Eggs in One Basket= Bad Decision...

I'm taking a somewhat new outlook on that statement. Normally people think of opportunities, jobs, or work ethic when they hear the phrase "don't put all of your eggs into one basket!" I'm taking it in a different context: Friends.

I drove home musicless due to a lack of radio today and was flooded with emotion. Sometimes I feel so alone, like I don't have a friend in the world. I've got friends sure, but no really good go to anytime good 'ole sleepover girlfriends. I thought to myself, 'this is what they mean with the whole egg/basket saying' You spend all of your time and love on a few really great amazing friends and when they fade away, what do you have left? No one... I am left to start my senior year with what seems like no friends. I spent my entire summer with my sisters. There is nothing wrong with that, my sisters are great, but everyone needs non-related friends in their life. It especially sucks when most friday nights you are at home, doing nothing at all. You hear of crazy fun adventures others have, including your freshman sisters who hang out with your friends more than you do. It just is a painful and lonely feeling I can't even stand. I'm sure once the business of school and applications and auditions begins I will feel less of this because I simply won't have time to. But what do I have? Work, School, Music... and thats it. Maybe I'm just being silly and I just feel like I should be super popular and have lots of friends, but I don't need to... But I shouldn't feel this lonely, there is no way that this is normal.... All my eggs are gone and I'm just left with empty baskets walking on broken egg shells.

You're gonna miss this...

Today a friend and I went through some yearbooks and other memory filled items. Thoughts of those who have gone before me and were the upperclassmen I looked up to and learned from passed through my head. I miss many of the oldest graduates who were the seniors and juniors my freshman year. I know how much I already miss and am going to miss those who just graduated. There are many that just knowing I won't see them for quite some time saddens me. Its just strange not having them around and I'm so used to seeing them. I guess I just took waking up to those I love each morning at school for granted. And now, it has come back to bite me. I miss people so much more than I ever thought I could miss someone.

All this thought about the people in the past I miss got me thinking about the future. I can only hope that I will be missed and remembered as I do these people. I hope that there is someone like me who will think about me when I'm gone and miss the things I had done. I guess I just want to leave a legacy. Nothing completely epic nescisarily. Just my prescence being memorable would be enough. Perhaps I won't be missed the same way I miss people now, but I want me being leaving making a difference. To someone.

Feelings lost...

No this isn't another blog about me feeling lost sometimes or alone.. Take the words in a completely different contex.. My feelings are what is mixed up and lost. I felt one way, very strongly, about someone. They were negative feelings. To sort out negative feelings I usually talk to people, or if its noticeable they talk to me... What a person says can really have a big impact on you and change how you feel. But what if one person who confronts you turns your feelings around one direction and another who you talk to turns them back around. These people aren't purposely toying with me, but its so confusing. I need to find out how I feel regardless of others influences in this situation... unfortuneately there are others involved so its a bit more complicated... It'll just take time I assume, as do most things...

Lost

Sometimes I can be in the most familiar of places and still feel completely lost. Even if I'm surrounded people I know I can't always find exactly where I belong anymore. It used to be quite obvious, I knew exactly who I would go to in a crowd of people. The people I hung out with, had a good time around and were my true friends. Its not that I don't like them anymore. Absolutely not! i just feel as though everything is mixed up and turned around. Everything has drifted apart and I'm left standing in the middle same as I used to be, but not surrounded by close friends. Why or how this happened I don't exactly know. I've lost touch with everyone. Maybe I just need to get out there, return to my old friends or make new and stop my belly-aching... I may have forgotten how.

Inconvenience

Everytime I think to write or have something to say, it is when i don't have time to write or should be doing something else. I have too many deep but invonvenient thoughts... I want to go to sleep right now but just feel the need to write things down and its been a while so I can't keep pushing these back:

People of my age have become so superficial and predictable. I sit at the pool tanning and can hear conversations around me and everything said is just boring and typical. I feel like I've heard it all before. Lets break the mold...

Somedays I just wish I could fall in love and it would be as simple as it was to write that down. I love musicals and almost every one has a wonderful love story. Even the sad ones make me wish I was in love.. I know its stupid because I'm in high school and relationships are absolutely pointless at my age but the idea just sounds so wonderful...

How is it that the people with one bad trait often have others. The bad traits aren't spread out through people, one person just happens to be arrogent, rude, selfish, concieted and terrible all at once... It sucks when you have to deal with that one person for months on end....

That is all.

Short Messages

#1 - I miss you, alot. But you don't even care, and that hurts. It has been a while and I still think about you all of the time... It sucks.
#2 - What made you decide to come out of hiding and start talking to me again? I hope you realize things didn't work out the first time and probably won't this time either, but whatever floats your boat
#3 - I miss who you used to be and the friendship we had. I wish we could hang out more. Hopefully we will, we need to. You've changed alot and we've changed apart. Regardless of who we are now, I still want you as a friend, same as I always have.
#4 - I know we talk alot, both fun and serious. I hope you understand that it is just friendship and nothing more. I like you, just not like that. It would be too awkward. I'm sorry.

Some Summer Thoughts

We're well into the summer months now. Plenty of heat, sun, band and my usual thinking. I thought I'd have some list format fun, mostly due to my lack of orginization in my thoughts right now.

1. This college hunt is thrilling! I'm freaking out even though the choice is far from this time. I'm excited for what lies ahead in the next few years. Colleges do a fantastic job of advertising themselves and this doesn't make my choice any easier but it definately gets me less afraid of the college experience.

2. The whole idea of friends has been rearranged, transformed and turned completely around. My sisters have now entered high school and I've found myself hanging out with them and their younger friends more often. As I've spent lots of time in meetings with the other field commanders, I've become closer to them as well. Those are the good friend transformations, of course there is a yin for every yang... I feel as though I haven't been around my friends who'm I've called my 'group' for the first three years of high school. Some I still talk with and would hang out with soon as the chance is thrown at me, for others it has been made apparent to me that they feel negatively towards me.. I personally don't feel as though I've changed must,  but they must think so... And then there is a friend who I fear sees our friendship through a different light, I wish I could just show them how I feel without hurting any feelings, but I also don't want to draw in any awkwardness of course.

3. I've developed this new love for musicals. I have no clue where it came from. Over the summer my sisters and I have watched many Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals and my mom has decided to start a collection for me to take to college, but picking up musicals on DVD whenever she's at Walmart or Target. She brought home Phantom of the Opera today :) I was so happy.

Missing Your Chance

It is the worst feeling that there is. You miss your chance and as soon as you know it, all the excitement for taking that chance is converted into disappointment and frustration. You wish you could do it all over and take that chance. You think of all the things you could have done differently. You become angry with yourself for missing that chance. Being so close just hurts that much more because you know that things easily could have been different. You become curious as to how things would be if you had taken that chance...Longing for that outcome seems to consume you.

Intense Writer's Block = Thinker's Block

Throughout the past few days I have had this extreme need to write out my feelings and thoughts, but I cannot seem to come up with anything. I know the exact topic of it all; I understand how I feel but only in my head. I cannot put it into words at all. I have had writers block, and just don't know what to write about. This is completely different. It is as though I can hardly make sense of my own thoughts. There is a battle of feeling raging inside of me. I tell myself I need to feel one way and stash away old feelings, but I am human and cannot help it. I wonder things that only make things worse and dream of things happening that destroy all attempts to extinguish silly feelings. Let’s just delete everything in my head and start over. That just seems easier to me.

My Thoughts Could've Inspired Lyrics

One of my good friends got me on this Rascal Flatts/ semi-country kick. It is so strange because before I always expressed my hatred everytime a country song came on, it just so happens that one song explains my thoughts better than I can....

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

There are countless lines in this song that just make me think, "EXACTLY!!" in my mind evertime I hear them through the stereo in my car. That good friend who got me started on this rode home with me yesterday, we both had reasons to just let it out and cry. It was a good cry, it was relieving and she went ahead and put this song on my stereo. It was perfect, I think Rascal Flatts is in my head singing my thoughts back to me. The past few days have been rough. Watching those I've become so close with succeed and leave...Graduation was yesterday, and there a quite a few graduates I'm not certain I will ever see again. You may wonder what that song and graduation have to do with eachother, but I'm just going to leave them together for my own sake, because it hurts, being so close, I really had and still have so much to say, I watched someone walk away and I don't think they saw that what I was trying to do was....well you can assume the rest.

You...

Make me smile
Make me dream
Make me laugh

Cause me to feel pathetic
Cause me to feel younger
Cause me to hope
Cause me to be dissappointed

Make me sad
Make me happy
Make me frustrated

Influence me far too much. I sound like a silly little 12 year old girl with a stupid crush and do not care because that is how I honestly feel. I tell myself a million times over that I need to forget you... I'm too pathetic and cannot. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

I Just Do Not Get It

There are many things I flat out do not understand or simply can't wrap my mind around. Some things are broad ideas, applicable to life, while others are specific happenings or concepts in the present time.

(As a side note, I think I need to find a new form of writing to express my ideas because these lists are getting old.)

1. Organic Chemistry. I have no clue how anyone understands all of the combinations and naming and special rules. It is a good thing that there are smart people in my class. The fact that I will never in life need organic chemistry also helps.
2. Why people automatically think the wrong decisions make you cool. Who decided that putting stuff into your body that could kill you is cool? Where did the idea of 'cool' come from in general?

3. The importance of sports vs. the arts in the eyes of school systems. Why is that schools fund sports more, care about sports more and give them priority over the arts? Sports are hardly beneficial to the students or even the community for that matter. Music, art and theatre do so much more.

4. The inexplicable quality of feelings. When you feel a certain way, often times, you can't explain your reasons for feeling that way. You find yourself falling for someone and there is nothing about them that would ever have hinted that you would before. You cannot pin-point the quality that drew you in, or what kept you admiring them. Maybe this irks me so much because I am a person who likes to have a reason for just about everything and know how things work. For me, simply because is not an answer. Maybe the reason you find yourself hooked on someone is the curriousity of the origin on your feelings in the first place. Once you discover that reason, what if the feeling just disappears?

Rainy Afternoon Thoughts

What is it exactly about rain that makes me think? When I am sitting in my bedroom either on the bed or at my desk and I hear the rain against my window, I begin to think. I do not think the usual thoughts of what I am doing next, or what needs to be done, but thoughts that are deep. Sometimes I reminisce, other times I think about my future. 'How I feel' will also cross my mind quite often when the wind blows. Although the storms are pretty noisy themselves, I will usually add music to the mix. My play-list for the rain consists of Coldplay, Michael Buble, John Mayer and Sara Barreillis to name a few. It is so nice to relax and just think during these times of mental content in the midst of atmospherically chaos. It can really open your eyes to ideas you had never thought of before. Intense negative feelings can be alleviated while the good ones are just intensified. The drive and fire in you can be stoked and can truly be beneficial. Painful thoughts and bad memories can be smothered by the relaxation brought on by nature's very own storm therapy. Bring on the wind, rain, thunder and lightning. I want my mind to keep going.

Dear _____, You Have Attacked My Unconscious and I Love It

When I sleep for a long period of time, especially if I have recently suffered a lack of sleep, I dream A LOT. I love dreams, I really do, but I hate it when you dream about something you want and when you wake up you are so disappointed that it never really happened. You dream about having a good experience and it makes you feel wonderful, when you awake you still feel a small glimmer of that feeling but within a few moments it is gone. It keeps happening for me. It is not that I am unhappy with my reality, but there is just something I wish would happen and so it reoccurs often in my unconscious. It makes me enjoy dreaming in a way. John Mayer has a song that I really do love. It is called "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" Here are the Lyrics:

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

Then waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?

No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Theses lyrics only slightly apply to how I feel. My heart isn't broken, and I have not lost a lover. But waking up is really the hardest part when what you dream about it what you long for. I often do wake up wondering if that really happened, and hoping that things really are the way they where in that dream.

 Maybe I just have to take it into my own hands to make my dreams come true...

Stupidity

This goes out to all of the people who make terrible choices regarding smoking, alcohol and inappropriate behavior.
You are making a terrible decision that is going to hurt your future. You do not need to drink and smoke; you can have fun without it. More fun even. It is a waste of your time money and most importantly life. You are going to hurt yourself in the end. Badly. You have already hurt those who love you and will only continue to do so if you persist. I do not understand why you think it is so cool or so much better, but it is not. You have created a terrible reputation and image for yourself. You have lost people that where once friends and once loved you. Learn to live a good life; you will enjoy it much more.

With power comes....hatred.

Apparently when one earns a position of respect and pretigue, one gains m
any people who are supportive and happy for you. You will also gain about one person who hates you for each of those supportive people... I guess thats the price of taking on an important role in an orginization. Especially one that comes with previously formed assumptions... Its just frustrating

Blessed

So many things have happened recently that have made me feel so entirely blessed.
I was inducted into National Honors Society
I made the All Ohio State Youth Fair Band
I was selected to attend Buckeye Girls State
My grades are good
I am surrounded by so many amazing people
The weather is gorgeous
I get to go to Washington D.C. over memorial day weekend
I am almost a senior.
I can also now say that I am a PHSC Field Commander.

The list of blessings both big and small go on and on. God is so good. He's alowed me to have all of this when I deserve none of it. Thank you so much, I will use all that you have given me for you.

My God is Amazing and so incredibly generous.

Message #2... pt. 2

" You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me care..."

I can't stand that you cross my mind this often. I realize I just need to get over it, because I have no chance. You don't even know how I feel and how I hold on to all the little things you say. I go through every one of our memories quite often. Those cute little looks you give me, the ones when I usually smile back, they kill me. You have no clue. i wish I could express this to you but where would that get me? I admire you and look up to you, and love being with you even though it is painful. I figured it was obvious, but I guess not...

Messages

Sometimes I just feel like I need to say something to certain people, but it would either be insulting or make things awkward. I guess I can still wrtie the message without it actually getting to them.. so her it goes.

#1 - You all need to grow up, its not cool to make bad choices (real or fake). Drama is not worth starting or even talking about. I don't understand it anymore. I don't want to be a hypocrite so I'll admit I was like that at one point, sure. But I've realized how useless and obnoxious it is.

#2 - You have no clue how you make me feel. You make me want to listen to sad songs all day. Some of the cute little looks you give me kill me and you don't even know it. I just wish things would change, and work. It sucks that being around you hurts, but at the same time I love it.

That's all for tonight...

Here we go again....

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in"
-'I'm not that girl' Wicked

This happens all the time: I am thrown a little bit of bait called hope and I hold on for dear life. I constantly wish, dream and even scheme. I imagine little scenarios of what could be. In the end, all of that dreamy 'what-if' mindset makes things worse. Sure it might be nice to enjoy the 'maybes and the 'some day’s and that cute little feeling you get in your stomach. It is all fleeting though once you realize that it'll never happen. Reality really is a slap in the face, but it wakes you up. Technically this is a good thing. It is important that you live life, real life, not the little dream world we all create in out heads. More can be accomplished and more can be experienced when we face reality. Reality is imperative; nevertheless, it truly does hurt. So perhaps its better to not wish and hope as much, that way the pain may be alleviated.

"Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart..."

I have R.L.S

You've all seen the commercial for Restless Leg Syndrome treatment...I've decided I have something quite similar. Restless Life Syndrome.


I sit here on my free nights and absolutely hate it. Sure my free time is rare and relaxing is good for you, but I just can't stand sitting at home with nothing to do. I want to be doing something productive, or with friends. I don't want to feel boring and useless any more. Sure we all think that life needs to slow down sometimes, but I'm honestly fine with the world moving full speed ahead. Perhaps this problem is due to my lack of patience. Or maybe it is just because not having plans makes me feel plain old pathetic. Whatever the reason, I either need to find something to do, or learn to chill and be alone. I don't know if I'm alone enough or too much, my boredom makes it seem as though I'm alone a lot. There is also the possibility that my inability to be alone is because I'm not used to it. Sometimes I even think writing in this blog is my cure to feeling pathetic, bored and alone. It makes me feel busy and as though I have something to do, although it really isn't important.

What a week

I just want life to be like this forever. These weeks come very rarely, but when they do it is sheer bliss. Great things happen to you, and they surprise you one after another. You receive astonishing awards and compliments. You experience joy and fun times with those you love. You achieve spectacular goals. These are the times when it seems nothing can bring you down.


This past week has been amazing for me. I feel as though everything that has happened to me has been at worst, normal. I had a pretty good idea of what the week had in store for me, and it was promising. It began with simple rehearsals but then came Tuesday morning. It was an exciting day; I was inducted into the prestigious National Honors Society. Another added surprise 'bonus' came along with the honor and exciting times. I had been told a week ago, by a good friend, that my name had already been chosen by a current member to induct me so they could not do it themselves as they were planning to. I had no clue that it was. When I got up on to the stage I would have to make a split decision as to whether I like this person, and whether to go with a hug or handshake. My name was called and none other than the friend who had told me my name was taken walks on to the stage. It is just like him to pull something like this. It was indeed a pleasant surprise. The next day I had rehearsals and meeting galore, but they held good news. In the rehearsals we were preparing for our OMEA State contest and in the meeting I was informed of the process I will have to partake in to become a field commander next year. Pure excitement for the future developed about the time of those meetings. Good things arrived by mail as well. I received my acceptation into the All Ohio State Fair Youth Band! I will live at the fair for two weeks to rehearse, make friends and perform! Another great honor and opportunity given to me this week. The last day of this week began with a trip with some of the marching band to the opening of a Wal-Mart. It was a little strange marching through the clothes, electronics and grocery section. It was almost like a very strange dream, but it was a fun time and we received a monetary reward. We went off to breakfast where we enjoyed each others company and relaxed away from school. I only had to go to three classes because we then began rehearsal for State Contest scheduled for 4:30 that afternoon. We then loaded onto busses and headed off. I was so incredibly nervous but we played our very best. It all paid off, because we got that I (superior) rating that Mr. Sewell deserved and did not get in the marching band season. I ended the day with a bus ride home with some really great guys.

Weeks like these make you wonder, what did I do to deserve such great things and such a good week? Perhaps I do not deserve it at all and it is just a gift. Thoughts can also reside on the other side of the spectrum: Is this the calm before the storm?

Even throughout all of the amazing times that happen over the course of a week, the image of the hard times, waiting on the horizon like a dark storm, sits in the back of the mind.

Drive

Nothing can be done well without purpose, passion and desire. You must be driven to complete the task at hand. My day-to-day of school work, tests, studying, cleaning, practicing and learning is quite dull. It is next to impossible to passionately do a math assignment or for me to desire going to school to take a test. I simply do it. There are some days though where I feel extremely motivated and ready to take on the world. I try my hardest, focus and am the absolute best that I can be. I really love those days. I feel alive, more intelligent and mature. It is as though I've finally grown up and am ready for the real world. Nevertheless, my future still frightens me.

Behind

Its time to catch up. I have so many ideas and no time to blog!
About a year ago, my friend got me this fantastic Vera Bradley journal for my birthday:

I'm not much of journal keeper, so I didn't have much use for it, but now because I'll think of ideas for a blog post in random places such as in class, at band or at church. I now carry my Night Owl patterned notebook and jot down little Ideas I get to post here when I get the chance!

A Lie for a Lie?

A Quick Thought:

Lying can be hurtful and terrible. We all know that. There are good lies though, ones that are used to cover up pleasant surprises for instance. So say that someone truly hurts another by lying to them. A few weeks later they lie once again, but this time to cover up a surprise... So does this mean a good lie can make up for a bad one? This idea humored me a little.

A Little Taste of the Future

Today I assisted my injured private instructor in her most stressful even of the year: The Junior High Solo & Ensemble contest. I got to take on the role of band director by handling judge’s copies, tuning students, making sure the accompanist got there and everything ran smoothly. This is everything I would do if I were truly a band director taking my own students to competition. It felt empowering, I felt mature and most of all, it felt right. Lately I've been lost and worried about my future and what I want to do with my life. I've become more and more confident that music education is the correct choice for me. Music and teaching are both my passion. What a reassuring day.

Choices and Preparations

My life, in regards to school, band and my future has recently been consumed with choices to be made and preparations to be had. As my junior year comes to a close I begin to visit colleges and research scholarships. For band, I have auditions to practice for and tryout routines to learn. I feel like my present is so wrapped up in my future. Haven't I always been told to live for the moment, and be in the present? I've also been taught that planning and being ready for what lies further down the road is crucial. Where is that perfect balance of the two? Does the happy medium exist?

In order to sort everything out, I think I'll use a list method...


Preparing...

In concert band, we have State Competition in a week, and we practice constantly, I really do hope we do well.

Very soon, we will hold clinics and tryouts for the position of Field Commander (commonly known as drum majors) for the upcoming marching band season. I've wanted this position for some time and I want it with just about every fiber of my being. I plan on working as hard as possible to do my best and hopefully receive this opportunity.

I need to do some serious studying. My ACT score is currently 27. My goal is a 32, but I'm going to need to do more than just go in and take the test. I also need to take the SAT sometime soon...

I've finally gotten my grades up to where I need to have them, but moving them further would be fantastic. I really need to pull the focus in and just work hard.


Choosing...

I really don't know where I want to go to college yet, I have ideas and what would be nice...but this is a choice that could alter the education I receive or the opportunities given to me. I need to know exactly before I choose

Next step, choose a major. I am quite confident that I want to major in music education, but what if I find out its not right for me, or its simply to hard? I would waste all the time and money put into getting me there.

I've noticed that when I line up my extra-curricular and credentials all I have is band and church.... I need some more. I need to be as impressive as can be... So now, what do I need to join or participate in? I need to find something I can be remotely interested in and looks good on all of those college applications.

Unintentionally Frustrating.

I know that they are not trying to upset me, they probably have no clue that I even care. They just frustrate me. They even hurt me, but have no clue that they do so. I have no right to get upset though. First off, they have no clue that they upset me, and you cannot get angry with someone for doing something they had no idea was wrong. Secondly, It is probably not worth being flustered over. Its all because I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. Things do not go my way, therefore I get upset. I can't control people's feelings, I get that, but I cannot let it upset me any more. Just a quick rant before bed.

Jealously Alone.

So I was texting this guy, who's my friend but not close enough that we hang out or anything, just someone I talk to, and he was telling me about his crazy adventures over this spring break (this involves climbing a grocery store and staying up there most of the night). I couldn't help but think 'I am so ridiculously jealous of the fun he has with his friends'. Things have run dry with all of my friends. We hardly ever hang out; when we do it always seems to be a bit awkward. I don't know what happened to us all; we used to have such great times. There never was a dull moment. And now, that is exactly what describes us. Dull. I have some ideas as to why this has happened, things have happened and we've gone separate ways. I also wonder if this is God making things easier for me, it may sound crazy but let me explain. I've always dreaded leaving my friends and family in Pickerington. I a little over one year left until I leave for college and so far I can't stand the idea of it. Maybe because I'm not as close as I once was with my friends it'll be easier for me to leave them next year. I'm sure I'll still get emotional but maybe it will hurt less. I just wish I could have some more of those good ole fun times to fill up my last 2 summers and last year here. I'm so jealous of the friendships everyone seems to have. Nights over at houses every night, Tping, other enjoyable rendezvous. Maybe not climbing to the top of abandoned grocery stores, but I just want to make memories to take with me wherever I go. Maybe it’s time to make some last minute high school friends. We all know how great I am in that department...

I'm Ready for Destiny: Looking Forward

I've sat through rehearsals listening to the words over and over :
 " Here I go, And there's no turning back. My great adventure has begun. I may be small But I've got giant plans To shine as greatly as the sun. I will blaze until I find my time and place. I will be fearless, Surrendering modesty and grace. I will not disapear without a trace. I'll shout and start a riot Be anything but quiet. Christopher Columbus I'll be Astonishing Astonishing, Astonishing..." (Astonishing, Little Women the Musical)

I've always worried about what I'll grow up to be, should I follow my dreams, or do what society tells me to do? Should I do what will give me money or what I love? I've thought and though so much, but I know now, I need to do what my heart and God tell me to do. Follow my love and passion. How can one truly be succesful in something without a passion for it? Sure a business woman makes tons of money, but if she doesn't love it, she won't do a good job and therefor will not earn all that money and have no succes, and most importantly...No happiness. I want to grow up and be happy and thats my plan from now on. To do what i believe is right, not society or others. Sure I'll take opinions into account, but it is I who makes my own decisions. I need to grow up and be independent. I've always been reliant on friends and family. Its my time to dream and chase that dream until it is mine.

Rethinking things

Its been a long and boring saturday, but it has also given me lots of tme to think. That last post was sort of a venting session about this latest situation, but after long hard thought I think my mood has changed about this whole predicament.
 I don't know if this is the TOO nice person in me letting someone walk all over me or not, but I've decided that that person was only lying to me so as to not hurt my feelings. Or at least I assume and hope that was why. I really thought highly of them, so I hope they were only doing what they believed to do the right thing. Whether or not I confront them about this, I don't know. Perhaps I'll take the chance if it presents itself. I feel as though I should express my hurt and disappointment but I don't know if its the right choice. Maybe I should just go on acting as though everythings ok. It'll be hard but less awkward and maybe we can fix things. I hope so.
I didn't think I wanted things to be fixed at first, but I was blinded by pain and anger. When I truly think about it, this person sort of deserves a second chance and I want them in my life...

Guys, Lies and the Element of Suprise.

I hate being lied to, I absolutely cannot stand it. What makes being lied to worse, is when you're lied to by someone you trust and don't ever expect to lie to you.

As I've said before I rarely share stories with real names or situations so not to 'bash' anyone via internet so I've written a little fictional story that explains how I feel right now.

Imagine you call up a friend and ask them to see a movie with you. You really want to see this movie with them and have been thinking about it for a while. They say that it is a stupid movie and would rather not go. Sure you're not very happy but its no big deal. The next day you find out that that friend went right after you called with another person to see that very movie they deemed stupid.

(now remember, I'm going to keep speaking about this situation as though it were the movie metaphor but thats not really the case. The real story is on a larger scale than some silly movie)

First off, is that really worth lying about? I'm not crazy, I'm not going to blow up at you if you had simply said that you wanted to go to the movie with someone else. You know we spend lots of time with all these people, I was going to find out sooner or later, it was honestly not a smart move on your part.

The part of this situation that really confuses me is that the friend who called the movie stupid isn't someone I'd expect this out of. There are the jerks you know that you just expect them to pull things like this, and you think nothing of. When someone who is usually thought to be trustworthy, a good friend and a person of integrity does something like this, the element of suprise hurts just as much as the lie itself. Ah, its just frustrating...

Build Up

Oh Boy, what a leave of absence! Due to a problem with the power-supply in my lap top, I have been without a computer for a few weeks. There have been so many instances where I've felt the need to blog throughout this unplugged time. I had no way of feeding those urges, it was quite frustrating. But I'm back for good, my dad found me a new laptop that I love.

I'm going to have to go with a list format to organize myself. So many times having to keep my thoughts for later means lots of different things to discuss.

1. This weather is wonderful! Spring has finally arrived. The sun is out, its warming up and birds are singing. I love being able to drive with my windows downa and stereo playing. My happiness level has dramatically increased simply due to the slight warmth.

2. Things have truly been looking up for me. The weather is wonderful. Many stressors have left my life. People just seem to be happier. My friends and everything are back to normal. We got a one at districts. I've got some money and new clothes. Prom is coming up.

3. Unfortuneately I have to post a not so happy thought. I don't understand how it always happens that there is a girl who ruins everything for you. You like someone, and he ends up liking her. You achieve something and she achieves the same thing or higher. She beats you to anything you aim for. Yeah, I have one of those.

Well theres a short update. I'll hopefuly be writing more often now that I have access to the blog all the time.

An Attempt, so far.

Every time my brain isn’t preoccupied with something else, it comes back. That one thing, we all have it. The moment we consider to be the worst of our lives. Every time, whether I’m lying in bed, driving home from school or just relaxing on a day off, my mind wanders back there to that situation. I beat my self up for what I did wrong. I realize I needed to grow a backbone. I should’ve stood up for myself. I question my decision. I thought it was the best choice, maybe I should’ve done it myself rather than leave it to others to do for me. But I did believe it was best. But the question comes back, was it really the right thing to do?


Most of the reason this situation creeps back into my mind is due to the fact that it still poses problems in the present. I miss the way things were, I miss who people where. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like thanks to this situation and the cause of the situation itself I’m losing the people I love most. I want to help, but I don’t know how to go about it. I was always the one helped. I don’t know what to do. They were always the ones to help me, now it’s my turn and I don’t know what to do. They won’t listen any way. My thoughts probably sound like a mess. They are, you’re not mistaken.

My feelings lately of being left behind in the changes are probably due to this whole situation too. The cause has taken my friends from me. It happens though; it’s just how things go I guess. My disapproval of the cause drove them off too. But honestly, how can I accept it? I just can’t. I can’t watch my friends do this anymore. But there we go again. Why I feel so alone…

Pathetic

Lately, I've honestly just felt pathetic. I have no life outside of school. Sure I go to Jazz bad, Orchestra, and youth group. Outside of that, I do nothing. Too many times I find myself sitting at home wondering what to do.


Because free time is sometimes scarce, I often don't know what to do with it, but eventually find things to do. I used to make plans with people all the time. We'd go to movies, have parties or go out to eat. I used to be so busy that I cherished those moments where I could just sit. Now, I dread being bored and feeling sad and pathetic. It finally got to the point where I was sad that orchestra practice was canceled because I know had nothing to do. It’s a little sad when the only thing I have to rely on is school functions and band.

Part of this I think is due to the drift that’s happened in my circle of friends. We've all changed, but not together. We all used to enjoy the same things and be able to simply pick up the phone and make plans. Due to past events, some friends don't get along with others. Also, each friend finds different things that they do for fun. Something one friend does for fun isn't something the others are willing to do whether it’s because of ethics, morals or legality. As I said earlier, we've all changed and sort of grown apart into separate groups now. This unfortunately leaves some of us behind. It’s sad that I don't feel as though I'm able to just pick up the phone and make plans anymore. Most of the time, everyone else already has plans. Sometimes they're exclusive and sometimes they're just plans I don't want any part of.

Maybe this feeling of having nothing to do is a sign that I need to find some new friends or a new hobby even. Both could go hand in hand. I just feel as if things will never be the same, so why sit around wasting my time hoping for the good old days to return? I've just had these friends for so long and done the same things for so long that I'm stuck in this routine. I guess that’s more to write about for another time though.

Perhaps I'll leave this at a”to be continued" due to the subject change.

Value.

Sometimes I think the value of a 'job well done' is forgotten. This happens for those individuals or groups even who simply are used to doing well. They take winning for granted. I think it takes a small failure followed by success to remind us how much doing well is truly worth.


When we don't do as well as expected it hurts, especially when all you've ever experienced is success. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you feel complete failure. You miss that all around good feeling. You miss the pride of being great. Usually, you don't know where to turn. Giving up, in this situation sounds like a fantastic idea. My word of advice: Learn, redeem

There must have been something you've done to receive not-so-wonderful results. It may be in your control or not. Learn from you mistakes. Sure, that’s what they all say, but something else must be learned: You can't be on top and great forever. You will always reach a point where you don't succeed. It is inevitable. It’s not something one enjoys hearing, but it must be accepted.

Throughout any 'losing' situation there's always the positive outlook. In that moment all you can think about is the negative experience, but the main thing you need to focus on is improving and redeeming your self next time. A loss doesn't have to be the beginning of a 'losing streak' it can be looked at as a simple drop in your long line of success.

Once you get past one and two, here is where the value comes in. In order to redeem yourself, you have to work extremely hard, focus more than ever and put your heart and soul into what ever you do. From this may come lack of sleep, stress, less focus on other aspects of life and tiring yourself out. If you truly love what you're doing, those costs seem much less then the benefit. What do you gain in this situation? Pride, success and that all around good feeling.

Next time something is achieved, really think about the hard work you put into what you've done and don't forget to appreciate those who've helped you get there.

For the sake of writing.

I just love it when you have a really great day. A day that’s not just good because nothing bad happened. A day where everything just turns out great. Everything from little joys to exciting accomplishments all occurring in a single 24 hours.


The inspiration for my discussion on happy days comes from Friday.

The whole week had been long, stressful and hard. We had this mock trial in English and I basically had to be a lawyer on top of being a student. Friday was the last day of the trial, and sure I wanted to win, but this simple fact that put me in the greatest mood possible was the fact that it was over for good! When it came time for the jury to deliberate, I sat and talked with my fellow prosecution team. I told them that no matter what happened, I was so happy to work with them and very proud of all the hard work. I ended with, "plus, the trial is over!" A member of the jury ran out of the back room and so we all sat down ready for the answer, honestly I thought we would lose. She told us all, "Its snowed so much they're letting us out of school early!" Wonderful! Another great thing to add to my day. When the jury actually came out with their answer we all got very nervous. They read their answer and we heard, “The jury hereby finds the defendant, George Milton, guilty of murder in the fist degree" We won! We were so excited and happy. We went through the day proud as can be. We got to the last class before the early dismissal and I got to enjoy an hour rehearsal. Excitement, Joy, Pride, Relief and fun all in one day.

It'd be nice if these days came more often, but I wonder if they would lose that special quality. The surprise of a random and occasional good day may be better than constant happiness.

Another Game of Tag

Do you remember when we still had recess? I miss those days of slides, four square jungle gyms and the infamous game of tag. The rules are simple, run around until the child deemed ‘it’ catches and tag you. The role of chasing rather than being chased bouncing around to the different players.


(I’m such a metaphor nerd)

Sometimes it really does feel like you play games of tag in life, with simple things such as that time you called someone, left a message, they called you back, left you a message and this cycle continues until you finally reach each other. Tag also occurs with more important things in life, such as relationships.

I guess (referring to more childhood related metaphors here) it’s the good old circle up for story time again.

There’s this guy (oh look, a cliché) and he liked me, a lot. It got a little annoying mostly because I didn’t really have feelings for him. Lucky for him, he was quite the sweetheart and he grew on me. I began to fall for his cute little compliments, and it happened, I actually liked him back. This lasted a little while, but that can’t be the end of the story, I’m writing about it obviously. He was it, he chased me, and I ran, he caught me, I was it, and I chased him back. No Catch. This really is a repeat of my childhood. I was very slow, therefore never winning tag and never catching anyone back
.
I'm gonna throw down some lyrics here that just simply work ...

"And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours

That I was so yours for the taking
I was so yours...for the taking. " -from 18th floor balcony by Blue October

Boys Will Be Boys

I chuckle to myself as I start writing right now. John Mayer is singing to me from my lap top, "Say what you need to say..." thank you John Mayer, I'm about to write a blog so I will indeed say what I need to say. Hah.


Oh my, these boys confuse me. I've had plenty of free time this past week due to my minimal exams. I love being able to relax but when given too much free time my mind wanders. Sometimes it wanders too far and I just get more and more confused. Lately the familiar topic of thought: boys. Oh so cliché...

Boy Number 1: He confuses me and makes me laugh all at once, I never expected to like him but here I am putting him in a blog. This must mean something. Maybe it’s the fact that he was there when I needed him most and I felt comfortable talking to him when I though my world was collapsing around me.

Boy Number 2: Oh dear, he's sweet and that’s nice until he gets too sweet. The constant compliments get old after a while and I can't help but think, let’s have a real and meaningful conversation. Please? Maybe its maturity that he needs, can't really expect that of him though can I? Age would explain that.

Boy Number 3: How did I end up thinking about you? I had no clue, but you always make me smile and always listen. We share common annoyances and hopes. I really appreciate it, but where did this feeling come from? I find it humorous for some reason.

Boy Number 4: You've been around forever, I've always liked you on and off, since the day we met. It’s on and off, but the only reason it’s ever been a fleeting feeling is because you always find someone else, or I do. I always come back to you though. What is it? Charm. That's my guess. Keep making me smile.

In the genius words of Mr. John Mayer, I took all my so called problems and put them into quotations...I said what at this time I felt the need to say.

Tired.

Lately I've experienced tired in every essence of the word. Physically exhausted, Brain dead, emotionally drained and simply bored.


Practices, performances, rehearsals, church, school, homework, personal life, packing, planning, flying, here there, waking up early, marching six miles. All of this, while most of it is fun, has deprived me of much sleep and worn my body out. Doing all of this travel and marching even drove me to eat a burger. (I haven't eaten one in 11 years due to a texture issue) I was that exhausted and hungry. I had no clue how confusing and tiring time changes were. California was beautiful but I much prefer staying up until midnight here rather than there.

Thanks to the wonderful world of Chorale Christmas I've had piles and piles of make-up work to handle. On top of this I've experienced tests, ACT, and now exams. Oh the joys of thinking. When you add the lack of sleep things get a little confusion up there in my brain.

So much has happened recently, I've experience changes that I never expected. Trials have struck me and drained me of all emotional stability. My emotions are being kicked around from the happiest I've ever been to one of the worst moments of my life. It’s surprising how many non physical things can tire you.

This last subsection to my experience with being tired confuses me greatly. I'm so excited about something, but I simply wake up one morning with the realization of, I'm tired of this. I'm Bored. It’s sort of sad that I got tired of this mostly because it was such a great part of my life. What I do now, I don't really know? Its just odd that it was sudden and this feeling may be upsetting to those involved, but I can't help how I feel can I?

This whole entry may seem like I am just going to fall over and die right?? WRONG. I have gotten much rest! An easy week back at school plus a snow day and easy weeks ahead have refreshed me. I've gotten organized and on task. I am ready to take on the world and move past the tiring holiday season.
Bring It On 2010.

Stand Up

I've finally learned a normal human skill that I lacked my whole life. Standing up for myself. I had to stand up for myself because not standing up for myself got me into the situation in the first place. I've found that its hard, you lose friends and it changes you. But Its worth it. Try it sometime.